Abaccus
by Living in a Casket
Summary: Set in 1852, Bella Swan, daughter of rich businessman Charles Swan, takes on the duty of care for a foal who's mother sadly passed on. Jasper Whitlock is the stableboy who called her out on her lack of knowledge on horses. Despite the worlds they came from, they find friendship in one another. But is it enough as they grow? Jasper/Bella DARK NON-CON TRAGEDY SENSITIVE TOPICS LEMONS
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Bella has had expectations she has to meet, from the day she was born. In a world where very few may touch her, she lives separately to those not deemed _worthy_ of her company. Taking on the large responsibility of a foal at only twelve years old, she requires the help of a lowly stable boy with a chip on his shoulder but the skills she needs. Meeting as children seems so simple, they had no hatred for one another and saw past the prejudices of adults.

A tale of fighting against society, and the expectations of women at the time. Bella has to overcome adversity, cruelty, longing and heartache...but, in their spot, their worlds meet and become one. What a fine world to live in.

**A/N PLEASE READ: ** I suck at summaries guys, but this one really has to be read to be believed. If I give away too much, you'll just hate me for ruining the surprise. I'm not going to sugar-coat it, this story is very dark, very sad, but the feelings are very real. I'm an experienced writer, but this is the first story I've ever finished and I'm posting it all today to just get it out there for you people.

I'm really worried about posting my first full story on here, but I'm confident that it's like nothing you've read before in the Jasper/Bella section (I know, I've read them all!) I'd liken it to **Leaves of Grass**, which I recommend that you ALL READ because it's SHAMAZING for Jasper/Bella lovers.

Please, let me know of you find it along the way. I'm not the best receiver of flames...so if you could keep it constructive, I'd be really appreciative.

All of my warnings I'll put here (please do not read if you're sensitive to any of these, they're described very deeply):

**_Non-con_**

**_Dark_**

**_Tragedy_**

**_Death_**

**_Cruelty_**

**_Abuse _**

**_Sensitive topics_******

**DISCLAIMER: **As always, I do not own any of the characters you recognise in this story. Any characters I have created myself that bear any likeness to someone alive, or dead, is purely coincidental. Also, I just really like the name Mrs Lovett, but this isn't a crossover.

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Abaccus

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Chapter 1

The world around me was fascinating, nothing like the land of the Swan Estate and I couldn't get enough of it. My eyes were wide as we walked through the busy market streets and I heard Mrs Lovett chuckle beside me. I turned to her with a wide grin.

"Like what you see?" She asked, moving that particularly pesky little bit of hair, which would always escape the perfect hairdos the maid's would do for me in the morning, out of my face.

"It's such a wonderful place." I replied, pointing out to the world I had not seen much of before. "Why does Papa hate it so much?" I asked, my curiosity piquing as I took in the landscapes of Texas…I could see nothing to hate.

"He is protective of you, little Miss. Not everything is as beautiful as this." She told me honestly. I was a well educated girl, I knew of what she was speaking…but I needed the clarification from someone who had seen the world I had not seen.

My father had never been keen on letting me out into the streets of Houston, Texas, at the tender age of twelve, but my stand-in Governess had convinced him otherwise…with a little persuasion from myself. Mrs Cove would never have helped me like this.

My father wasn't an overly suspicious man, but he felt that he needed to keep what was left of his family within safe distance of what had caused my mother to leave us so abruptly. She had fallen ill shortly after my fourth birthday and I remember little about her…but paintings all around the Manor ensured that I never forgot her beautiful face.

She had been an exotic beauty from France when my father first met her, as he travelled the world in search of new things to bring to America. That being how he had made his fortune and provided us with the life we were used to living. France, being the pioneers of world trading, under the supervision of England, was just somewhere he _had_ to go. He met my mother and the rest was truly history.

It was not to be, unfortunately, and an illness that the doctors could not identify took her from my father too soon. He was not risking that with the little piece he had left of her with the knowingly diseased parts of the city. His paranoia was legendary among the staff at the Swan Estate, but no one blamed him.

I watched out the window as the countryside flowed past the carriage in a blur. I wondered what could cause such a beautiful world to be soiled like it was in the newspapers…where had all of the dangers and evils come from? I supposed it was that naiveté that allowed children like me to be so carefree and forgiving, and I learned that when I got older.

Amongst the songs of the birds, and the green foliage, I noticed something seemed amiss along the road. I squinted my eyes and furrowed my brow, trying to concentrate exactly on what it was. It sounded…_pained_. Then, I spotted it.

"Stop the carriage!" I called loudly, pulling the door open and shocking poor Mrs Lovett half to death.

"Miss Bella, get back in here!" She called as I climbed down and out of the still-moving – yet slowing – carriage and fell onto the grass.

With little thought to my pretty blue dress, or the expensive shoes I was wearing, I ran back to where I had spotted what all the fuss was about.

"Miss Bella!" I heard several people call from behind me, catching up. I ignored them as I ran further into the trees. I heard the coachman and Mrs Lovett calling after me frantically, and the branches behind me being moved out of the way.

I was frozen as my eyes fell on the wheezing, painful sounds of a mare lay on the ground. My large brown eyes, innocently took in the sight before me. The mare was struggling to breathe, but watched me with her equally large, interested gaze.

From what I could assume, it was a wild mare. My father had warned me about them, but this one looked no more aggressive than any other animal I had seen, although…she didn't look well.

"I won't hurt you." I said softly as I stepped forwards into the clearing that seemed very natural in its setting. Just then, Mrs Lovett and the coachman arrived, but daren't get as close as I to the wild beast.

"Miss Bella, come back here!" Mrs Lovett snapped in a whisper, her eyes wide as she watched the mare wheeze and pant heavily.

"I just want to see if she's alright." I called back.

"You'll get yourself killed, girl!" The coachman called, stepping further than Mrs Lovett dared.

"She won't hurt me." I said, looking back to him. As they could see, I was only a few feet from her and she only seemed to watch me curiously. Calm in her dazed state.

Looking over her body as I stepped closer, I could see that she was covered with a fine sheen of sweat on her beautiful chestnut coat and she seemed weak. I furrowed my brow as I stepped a little closer, for I could see something.

"She's not long for this world, Miss Bella. Come, let's leave her in peace." Mrs Lovett whispered, stretching her hand out to me.

"I see something…" I said softly just as the mare lifted her head up and whinnied. I jumped backwards and fell on my backside with a huff. Mrs Lovett and the coachman gasped, but I shook my head not to worry as a foal emerged from the safety of her embrace.

Though obviously freshly born, its features were profound and its markings were distinctive…like none I had seen before. It had a diamond on its forehead, under a matting of black mane and only one boot, muddy from the ground below it. From the looks of it, it hadn't taken its first steps yet.

"Oh my…" Mrs Lovett said quietly.

The mare lay her head down next to the foal, her eyes half-lidded as she did so. I felt my heart break a little at the sight before me. She would not make it, even with our help.

"Come away now, Miss Bella." The coachman said and I nodded, getting up off of the ground.

As I stepped away, still watching the mare and the foal, I felt my chest tugging in their direction. Life was cruel sometimes.

"What will happen to the foal?" I asked as I took the coachman's hand.

"Nature will find a way, little Miss. Everything happens for a reason." He comforted me, bringing me in front of him as we moved away.

I could not help but look back at the scene, and I noticed the foal watching us. The mother's eyes closed more and more with each passing second until they weren't in sight anymore.

The journey home was a long, silent one. When I returned home, I went straight to my room and began to paint an image of the scene I had witnessed today. My first vision of the world at it's cruellest. I wondered how many more I would see before the end of my life.

I had not thought to liken the foal to myself at all…for I still had my father and it was alone in the world by now. I wondered if it would survive, if it would be happy, whether it would stay with its mother until it finally passed on itself…these thoughts kept me up the _entire_ night.


	2. Chapter 2

"Mr Coachman!" I huffed, trying to catch him before he set off. He stopped momentarily, confused at the sound of my voice. Before yesterday, not many people had come into contact with me.

He furrowed his brow as he looked down at me, out of breath and clutching my painting, standing at the edge of the carriage.

"What is it, little Miss?" He asked, turning around in his seat to face me properly.

"I want to go and find the foal." I said firmly, holding onto my rolled-up painting as though it were a lifeline.

"Miss Bella…" He sighed.

"Please." I begged, looking up at him. "You said we weren't to intervene, but it is our duty." I said profoundly and he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger.

"What has you figurin' that?" He asked in his thick Southern drawl. I knew he was reluctant, but I couldn't go another day without at least _trying_.

"We are the stewards of the Earth, Mr Coachman. We were put here to care for it. The mare was asking for help by not attacking us." I explained.

"She was too weak to. It wasn't a sign from God, girl." He sighed, though I could see he pitied my tired-looking self. I was passionate about this.

"Please, Mr Coachman. I won't ask for anything else. You were going out anyway." I sighed, without another argument. I had conceded to appealing to his kinder nature.

"Your father won't allow it. Yesterday you were chaperoned." He said.

"Wait here." I said, clicking my fingers and running off inside.

"Miss Bella!" He called after me, but I was already inside and heading for my goal like a bat out of hell.

Sliding down the corridors, giving no notice to the funny looks I received, I headed straight to the servant's quarters and was quickly apprehended by the person I needed.

"Slow down, Miss Bella, you'll hurt yourself!" Alice said, grabbing under my arms to stop my slipping. "What has you in such a fluster?" She asked, exasperated.

"I need your help! No time to waste, come with me!" I said, grabbing her arm and pulling with all of my might. She protested, but couldn't pull back or she would injure me.

I managed to get Alice outside and let out a breath when I noticed the coachman still there.

"I have a chaperone!" I called to him. "Alice will look after me, won't you?" I said, turning to her with a wide look of innocence and pleading.

"This is what was so urgent?" She huffed, putting her hands on her hips.

"It _is_ important, Alice!" I sighed, rubbing my temples. Why did no one understand the urgency and importance of this? "_Please_ do this for me. I swear on my mother that it's the most important thing to me of all time!"

"Slow down." She sighed, kneeling down to look at me on the same level. "What is it that you need to do so badly?" She asked.

"Yesterday, when we were on the way back from town, we found a wild mare and foal, but the mare wasn't going to make it. We just left the foal there, when we could have helped." I sighed, tears coming to my eyes. "Now Mr Coachman says he won't take my unless I have a chaperone and it's really important." I sighed, wiping my eyes roughly. I didn't want them to see me cry.

Alice looked up at the coachman with a sigh, rubbing my back. I looked down at the floor for a few moments before being slightly jolted. Jumping, I realised that the coachman had reached down at was picking me up from under my arms and sat me next to him at the front.

The door to the carriage clicked a moment and I couldn't help a small smile as I realised that they had agreed to my request after a silent conversation of looks. I didn't want to manipulate them, but I really did genuinely want to go and find the foal. It deserved a chance.

"For the record, my name is Edward." The coachman leaned over and said as he flicked the reigns and got the carriage moving.

"Thank you, Edward." I said in a small voice. I felt victorious, one step closer to saving the foal.


	3. Chapter 3

The coachman, Edward, was filled with interesting facts over the half-hour journey to the road where I had jumped out of the carriage. Turns out that he worked in the stables as a stable boy before being promoted to driving the carriage. He had a keen interest in horses and had travelled with my father across to France several times.

"What are the animals like there?" I asked, finding some courage. I was a shy girl usually, but my interest in this man's life piqued when I found we had a common interest.

"I mainly work with horses, little Miss." He answered with a chuckle. "The breeds there are more long-haired, workin' horses, than here." He answered. "It's not too hot over there for them." He supplied a little extra knowledge.

"Are they treated well?" I asked.

"Of course. A man's wellbeing relies on his workin' horses in Europe. Farmin' land, mostly. Unless the horse is fit and healthy, he won't live." He told me.

"That's good." I smiled.

"We're comin' up to where we were yesterday." He told me.

I nodded and kept my eyes peeled, and my ears.

"What's that you have there?" He asked, nodding to my roll of paper.

"A drawing I did of the mare and foal…so I wouldn't forget what they looked like." I told him.

"Can I see?" He asked.

I nodded and unrolled it. He glanced at it and smiled.

"Yer' mighty talented." He told me, running his fingers over the watercolour painting.

"Thank you." I grinned up at him.

We pulled up on the side of the road, Edward hopping down in order to help me down and then he opened the door for Alice. They greeted one another before turning to me.

"Alright then, Miss Bella. Where do we start?" Alice asked.

"If I may…" Edward said meekly. Alice turned to him and nodded with a smile I had not seen from her before. Alice was shy, like me, but she seemed to like Edward's company. "Foals and their mother's are very attached, even after death." He said, his eyes flicking to me for a moment to assess my reaction. I didn't flinch, I knew the ways of the world and I knew that the mare had sadly passed on by now. "It would make sense to begin where we left off yesterday." He said.

And so, we did.

The search went on for a few hours. We found the site of the mare's passing, and Edward had kindly set down some flowers for the body of the mare and covered her with a heavy branch and some leaves, as a burial for her, upon my insistence. We went into the surrounding area, but found no signs of the foal. As much as Edward knew about horses, he was not a hunter and didn't know how to track an animal. We searched nearby streams, rivers and open areas, but it all seemed rather hopeless.

I heard, in passing, Edward mentioning to Alice that perhaps wolves had gotten to the foal in the night, but I chose to ignore the comment. The foal was a survivor, strong…for some reason, no one – but I – seemed to believe that.

"Miss, it's going to be dark soon. Your father will wonder where you are." Alice said.

Alice was right, but it didn't mean that I wanted to stop searching. I would take whatever punishment my father thought fit, if we were to find the foal. Saving a life was more important than no dessert for a fortnight.

The sun was getting lower and lower in the sky, and I could almost feel the conversation coming that Edward and Alice would have with me…it would be time to leave. They would promise me another outing to find the foal, but it would never happen.

I sighed and turned to them just as Alice opened her mouth. She gave me a sympathetic look as she reached out for my hand.

"Perhaps he has a new family now." She offered in consolation.

"Perhaps." I agreed weekly. I would rather know the truth than comfort myself usually, but the words did make me feel better. I wanted to believe that the foal would be okay.

We walked back on ourselves, or so we thought, for a long while before reaching the road. The coach was a little down the ways, Edward told us, and we followed him along the path. We had done well finding the road again, Edward had mentioned, as it was getting more and more difficult to see where we were going through the shadows of the trees.

I kept stealing glances back at the forest, hoping to see the foal, but nothing came of it. I shivered as the wind blew around me, tangling in my skirt and making it difficult to walk at tomes. I felt a pang in my chest for the foal out there, all alone, in what seemed to be a brewing storm.

Edward was a little ahead of us when Alice began to offer me another trip out to find the foal. I nodded, but said very little, as I could almost hear the empty promise. I was a perceptive child, always had been, and I was not as accepting of what I was told as other children my age.

"Yer' not gonna' believe this." Edward said, coming down the road and grinning.

I lifted my head from the road, that I had been intently watching, to see the gangly form of something beautifully chestnut behind Edward. There, standing by the carriage, as inquisitive as it was fearless, the foal stood. I knew this because of the markings, the diamond and the single boot on its front leg.

"Are you sure it's the right one?" Alice asked, questioning my thoughts. She obviously didn't want to take another foal from its mother by mistake. Alice was always sweet and thoughtful like that.

"It is!" I grinned, showing her the picture I was clutching. "It's him!" I called, running for the foal.

Edward caught me up in his strong arms and held me off of the floor.

"Careful, little Miss. Remember, he's still a wild animal at the moment." He told me quietly.

"Oh…" I said, nodding as he put me down. "What do we do?" I asked.

Edward went into explaining how to approach the foal; not at all dissimilar to the way I had approached the mare the day before. I kept low and slow as I approached, holding my hand out to show that I held no harm for it.

"I won't hurt you." I said quietly, softly.

The foal jumped back from me slightly, but Edward encouraged me to just wait there until he came to me. The foal was sceptical, naturally, having only been on this Earth for a day and losing its mother all the same. I looked into his eyes and knelt down on the ground below me. Edward had stayed back and I could hear him and Alice talking softly.

"Are you sure she'll be alright?" She asked.

"Too many people will spook him. The little Miss was close to 'im yesterday; he might remember her scent." Edward explained.

"But you're not sure?" She hissed.

"Well, he _is_ a wild animal." He replied, I could almost hear him shrug. It made me smile.

The foal took in my expression, or seemed to, for a long while. It stepped sideways, and back, and sideways again, before taking a single step forwards.

"Come on, it's okay." I cooed, reaching a little further.

He was so small compared to the other horses I had seen, even the ones pulling the carriage. His legs looked too thin and long for his body, and he was _very_ clumsy and wobbly…kind of like myself. I smiled at the thought and the foal came a little closer.

After a few more steps, the foal was within a finger's reach of me. I pushed forwards, and he pulled back. I had to do what Edward said and wait for him to come to me. I had to be patient. My arm was beginning to hurt, but I had to keep this up…I didn't want to scare him, I wanted to _help_ him.

In a single step from the foal, he touched his nose to my hand and I felt the smooth coat he already had and smiled, letting out a breath I hadn't known I was holding. Alice and Edward did the same behind me and I turned to look over my shoulder to grin at them.

The foal seemed a little braver and began to nuzzle my hair and my ears, I giggled and stroked him back. Alice and Edward watched me, a little shocked, but laughter in their eyes.

**Okay, guys, how do you think it's going? Let me know in the comments! Please, no flames, just some constructive criticism...or maybe even a nice word!**


	4. Chapter 4

"Persuaded your father to let you keep him, eh?" I heard Edward say from behind me.

I turned from the foal, which I had released into his own pen on the Swan land, and smiled at him.

"I'm surprised, considering he nearly booted me for taking you out without his permission." He sighed. He looked anguished and I felt a pang of regret and shame.

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" I gasped. Had my father really tried to fire him for helping me?

"Apparently though, a maid from within the house stood up for me…quite a respected one at that." He told me with a wink. "So, I'll let it slide."

_Mrs Lovett_.

"What are the conditions of you keeping him, then?" He asked.

Of course, my father had told me that all of the care that the foal needed would be down to me; if he didn't make it, it would be on me and I would have to take that responsibility like an adult. As I had when I acted today, without my father's permission. I could see his point, even at such a young age, but the foal _would_ make it. He had beaten all odds so far.

I explained all of this to Edward and he nodded in agreement. Smiling at my faith in the beast. He said that he could see a lot of himself in me, in my love of horses, and it comforted me to know I had a friend in on this.

"So, what are you goin' to call him?" Edward asked after a while. I looked up at him in confusion. "Don't tell me you haven't even thought of it?" He gasped in mock-horror and I giggled.

"To be honest, I was so preoccupied with finding him and being happy with that, that I really hadn't." I admitted with a blush.

"You'll need something strong. Not just any foal could make it through its first night alone." He said, tilting his head in thought as he leaned against the pen that the foal was now walking around inquisitively. We had made sure he had milk, solid food, hay and water…anything his instincts called him to take. Apparently, he was fond of all of them.

"And smart." I added. Edward gave me a sideways glance and I rolled my eyes. "He knew we were looking for him, that's why he waited by the carriage." I explained, as though it were obvious. He let out a chuckle. I wasn't sure why he was laughing, it seemed all rather logical to me.

"Alright then, something strong _and smart_." He smiled. "Anything spring to mind?" He asked.

"Hm…" I thought for a moment. What would suit an animal like this foal? It had to be smart, like I had said; also strong, like Edward had said. What denoted all of that into one being? "Abaccus." I said. "With two _c_'s." I clarified.

"Oh right." He said, chuckling. "Why two, may I ask? Not that I'd know the correct spellin'." He said, tilting his head, weighing out his reply.

"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

"I don't read too good, little Miss." He shrugged. "Not a big thing for someone like me."

"Oh…" I felt bad for how I had been so thoughtless…a lot of people from Edward's kind of background weren't literate in the sense of reading and writing, and I must have sounded rather callous making a joke of that nature to him.

"I'm sure if you explain, I'll still find it mighty funny." He said, shoving my shoulder with his arm. I looked up at him and found a new kind of respect. He knew we were different, and that it was my place to say we could be friends, but he offered it anyway. He didn't patronise me, or treat me like I was someone he shouldn't speak to. I could learn things from him…why couldn't he learn things from me as well?

"An _abacus_ is a historical device for mathematicians, it's for adding numbers. But, it's also a part of making a building strong in architecture. I said to put two c's in it for style…because he's so beautiful. They're also a sign of good luck in some cultures." I informed him.

"That's mighty interesting…and clever, little Miss." He congratulated me. "It suits him." He said, motioning out to the foal in the pen. He was trotting towards us, but staying more to my side, avoiding Edward.

"Do you like that, Abaccus?" I asked, stroking along his small nose and placing my small hand on the diamond design on his head. He lifted his head a little and I took it as agreement, laughing.


	5. Chapter 5

I struggled to climb the fence into Abaccus's pen, especially in a frilly dress, but the maid's would not allow me to wear anything besides that. _Little Ladies wear dresses!_ I could hear the voice of Mrs Cove ringing through my mind and I rolled my eyes.

"Morning!" I called to Abaccus, but he ignored me. I huffed, frustrated, but not deterred as I went to the stable where his food was.

I had been reading, over the past few days – as I let him settle into his new environment – as to what exactly was needed when looking after a foal…especially a wild one. Thankfully, the library was filled with books on care for horses and held what I believed to be the answers.

After a week of studying, and allowing him to become settled and know the area, I was to make sure he was used to constant human contact. And so, I started taking my books to the pen and reading in there. Each day, he had ignored me as he had today, but would eventually come over and try to eat my book. I had fun when I was with Abaccus and he seemed to enjoy himself, as well. He was naughty, but then he was only a baby.

The next step was getting him to come when called, but it wasn't going all too well. I sighed when the food didn't work, and I grumbled when I found he was faster than I was…so I couldn't catch him and get him used to the sound of my voice in order to call him – none of the tips from the books were working.

After the third day of trying, and the fourth hour of trying everything I could think of from my own mind, I had given up. I lay under the tree, panting, with my hand over my face.

I could hear movement around me and then a huffing sound as Abaccus started to snuffle around my face and through my dress pockets.

"Now you decide to come." I sighed, rolling my eyes. I removed the hand from my face and looked up at him, he seemed almost smug.

I reached up and stroked across his neck as he continued to nudge my side, making me giggle. It tickled, and I was sure he was aware of it.

"What do you want, Abaccus?" I asked through my laughter, rolling over onto my front.

"He wants yer' apple." I heard a voice that I didn't recognise call from behind me.

I shot up, a little embarrassed that I'd been caught talking to a horse. I mean, it didn't bother anyone I knew, but this voice I didn't know. I had always been taught, from an early age, that image was very important…I had to present myself as a lady to anyone upon first meeting. First impressions were everything.

"Pardon?" I asked as I turned around.

Stood, in the barn, was a boy a little older than me, perhaps fifteen or sixteen, setting down a bay of hay. His hair was to his shoulders, long blonde locks that shone in the June summer sun. He wiped his hand across his forehead, leaving a rather grimy mark there. I grimaced slightly; apparently, the _first impressions rule_ didn't apply to everyone.

"He wants yer' apple." He repeated, standing a little way a ways from me.

"How do you know I have one?" I asked suspiciously, standing up. Abaccus was still nuzzling my pocket and I tried to shoo him away, but he wouldn't listen – _as usual_.

"Horses can't resist 'em; even the young'uns. It's second nature to them to find 'em." He said as he walked over, smiling at Abaccus. I stood a little taller, feeling silly that I had missed this little fact in the three books I had read about horses.

"I've never read anything about that." I told him, holding my chin high. Who was this boy? I certainly had never seen him before in my life.

"It's an old stable boy's trick to get the foals to behave." He said with a little smirk, tilting his hat at me. "If you'd be so kind as to hand it to me, I'll show you." He said. I couldn't help but hear the smugness to his tone and it set me on edge.

"I don't need any _help_." I said stubbornly. "I don't even _know_ _who_ _you_ _are_." I huffed. Abaccus was still nuzzling at my pocket and I pushed him away. _Stop it! You're not helping…_

"Pardon me, ma'am. I'm Jasper Whitlock, the stable boy here on the Swan Estate." He told me, lifting his hat once again politely.

"Oh." I said, taking a step back from him. Noticing my step, he stopped moving yet gave me a disapproving look.

"I've noticed you here a few times now, havin' trouble and what not." He said, putting his hat back on. "But I guess it's nothing a _stable_ _boy_ could help you with." He said, looking me up and down. "My apologies." He grumbled, turning around, putting his hat back on his head roughly and hopping the fence in one fail swoop, flawlessly, and leaving the pen.

I watched him go, mad that he had assumed whatever he had about me and been rather rude. However, I also felt bad that he had just been offering me help and I had been rather rude myself…and I really could do with a hand, but there was nothing I could do about it now.

Abaccus came back to nuzzling me and I sighed, rolling my eyes. I took the apple from my pocket and handed it to him. He chomped it down quickly and I was shocked…it was like he had never eaten before. Smiling as I watched him enjoy himself and then nuzzle me some more, I looked back to the now very tiny figure of the boy who had informed me of horses' love for apples and let out a half smile.

Perhaps I had been a bit presumptuous about Jasper Whitlock the stable boy.

**I know that my chapters are short, but the breaks are needed to break up the scenes. Please, bear with me!**


	6. Chapter 6

The weeks passed and though I could finally get Abaccus to come to me, with at least an hour of chasing and three apples, it was slow progress. Abaccus was growing bigger and stronger everyday, and it was getting to the stage where taming him would begin to be the next priority…and there was a long way to go and so much to do.

I had looked to Edward for help, but he had gone on a trip with my father to France again and wouldn't be back until the fall. I felt very discouraged and disheartened as I sat under the oak tree in Abaccus's pen with a pencil and pad, drawing him grazing. I had many drawings of him now, and he looked bigger, older and stronger in each one. I wanted to track his progress through his life, and so far I was documenting it well.

As I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of the sun on my face, I heard a thud by the stables and opened my eyes slightly. It was the boy from before. _What was his name again?_ He was delivering some fresh hay for Abaccus.

I watched him look at Abaccus for a moment, and then myself, before huffing and turning to leave.

I knew what caused me to do it, but I would regret it for the smug look on his face the moment I asked. Getting up from the grass, I called out to him.

"Hey, you there!" I yelled, unable to remember his name. He ignored me and kept walking, jumping the fence again as he had before. "Hey, wait!" I called, running after him.

I got to the fence and huffed, I had enough trouble getting over it when there wasn't an audience, but this was for Abaccus's sake…if he couldn't be ridden by the time my father returned, he was going to sell him. I had neglected to tell Edward that little condition, as it didn't seem like a problem. After all of this palaver just trying to get him to come to me, it seemed the worry was a little more real now.

Climbing over the fence, my dress got caught and I fell from the top. The world span, but the floor was definitely getting closer. I let out a yell as I fell, preparing for the contact I would have with the ground. I landed on my side, clutching my arm as I groaned.

"That hurt." I huffed, unimpressed with my own clumsiness.

Rolling over, I saw Abaccus at the fence lifting his head up and down, as though he were laughing at me.

"Shut it, you." I growled.

"Well, that's not a very ladylike way d'talk." I heard from just above me. I was still sprawled out on the floor; dress dirty and torn as the boy stood over me with a smirk on his face.

I had not neglected to notice that he did not offer me a hand up. I pulled myself up off of the floor and held my arm up, it was a little bit sore but I didn't think it was broken. Being as clumsy as I was, I had had enough broken bones to know the difference by now.

"If you would've listened to me, this wouldn't have happened." I huffed angrily.

"Why would I listen to _you_? So you can look down on me again for trying to help?" He shot back. It was definitely out of line for someone of his position compared to mine, but I found myself ashamed at his mention of how I had behaved…I let my pride overtake my manners; my mother would not have approved. _Manners are for everyone, not just the privileged. It works both ways_. My mother's words hung in my mind.

With the thought of my mother in the forefront of my mind, I stood up a little straighter and took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry for how I spoke to you before; it was callous of me. I was just frustrated because of Abaccus." I explained, flushing. I really didn't like apologising, but this boy definitely deserved one after our first encounter. I had been so preoccupied by the way he had looked, and what he had been, that I had let my mother and her ideals down.

He looked a little shocked that I was apologising, but he gave me a stern look for a moment, rather than accepting it, and then reached out to my arm. His hands were dirty, but then so was the entirety of me. It seemed neither here nor there anymore. Once he reached my arm, he pulled it away from my body and I winced.

"Don't be a baby, it's not broken."

"I know!" I huffed angrily, snatching my arm back. I took a deep breath and calmed myself. "It just hurts." I said.

"I'm not surprised, you went a right pisser." He chuckled.

I was taken aback by his language, yet felt the childish side of me giggle at the word. Of course, I had heard words like this from the coachmen before at times, but it was still an oddity for me. _What a peculiar saying._

He noticed my smile and it seemed to thaw him slightly. He was silent for a moment before huffing and putting his hands on his hips.

"Yer' want help with the horse, don't ya'?" He asked, not looking at me, but Abaccus, who was straining to reach the two of us over the fence.

"_Abaccus_…please." I sighed. "I've tried everything, but he won't even come to me for an apple anymore." Abaccus whinnied and I rolled my eyes. "He even _mocks_ me." I said, frustrated.

"He's a proud horse." The boy nodded, looking between Abaccus and me. "You've just got to treat him with respect."

"The books said '_horses_ _need to know whose boss_'." I told him, furrowing my brow. The boy moved to pet Abaccus, and I watched him curiously.

"They do, but not in the way that you're tryin'." He told me, hopping up onto the fence and jumping it as easily as he had every time I saw him. I felt a pang of jealousy at his grace, but listened to him carefully. "Horses and humans need to build a mutual respect. They'll respect you when ya' respect 'em back. You can't be their mother, you have to be their friend." He said, petting along Abaccus, who was only as tall as Jasper at his ears, but still taller than I. He had grown so much in such a short time.

"Does that mean I have to treat him differently?" I asked, watching the boy interact with Abaccus in a way I never had. He made it seem so naturally occurring.

"Just yer' body language. You seem to talk to 'im 'nough." The boy shrugged. "Yer' too skittish around him, he can see you don't know what yer' doin' and it makes him nervous." He said.

"How do you know so much?" I asked, climbing up onto the fence the way I had seen him do, but getting my legs over was overly difficult in my dress. I fell again, but managed to catch myself on my hands. I heard the boy chuckle.

"My Pa taught me." He shrugged. "It's also part of my trade. I'm sure you remember I'm just a lowly stable boy here." He said, turning his back on me to walk around Abaccus, he seemed to be admiring him, inspecting him almost.

I felt ashamed for the way the boy thought of me, and of how I had acted. I wasn't the person he thought I was, though I'm sure he had come into contact with that kind of person before.

"I'm not how you think I am." I said.

"Daddy's little rich girl gets bought a horse she can't control and refuses all and any help from anyone below her, even though they know more, thinkin' she can do better. Thinks someone who don't read or write like a poet in their spare time ain't worth shit." He shrugged, his top lip curling as he faced me with narrow eyes. There was a lot of bitterness in his soul towards people like me.

"Papa didn't buy me Abaccus." I said sternly, angry with him. "He's a wild foal, I found his mother _dying_ and went out to save him. We searched for _hours_ to save his life." I argued, walking around to the other side of Abaccus to catch his attention.

"Bought, _captured_, it's the same thing."

"He would have _died_ without me."

"But you won't give him the best start in life because of how _you_ feel about gettin' a little dirt under yer' pretty fingernails." He said offhandedly, as though he didn't care about my words, that whatever I said wouldn't change his mind.

"I don't believe any of those things you're saying. Why are you judging me on one encounter?" I asked, frustrated.

"You did." He snarled, finally looking into my eyes. I could see the heat there; I could see the hurt. I may not have hurt him, but my reaction had. He had experienced it before, perhaps every day from some of the people in town. The world was a very different place to the little bubble I lived in on the Swan Estate, and I was ignorant of the hardships that some other people had been through. I had a lot to learn about socialising, and the ways of the world outside of my father's land. As I thought of this, I remembered something my mother had told me long ago.

"My mother always said that your first thoughts are what society conditions you to believe…your second thoughts, what you choose to act on, define you as a person." I told him, my voice soft as I looked at Abaccus. What I had said applied to him as well.

"So, yer' some saint for askin' me to do something for ya'? As if I ain't got enough work to do as it is." He shot back, but I could see his resolve was wavering. My words were having an effect.

"I'm not that rich girl that thinks '_you ain't worth shit_' and I certainly _can't_ do a better job than you. Hell, I can't do this _without_ someone like you. I can read as many books as I like, but it's not the same as _actually_ having _raised_ horses for years…or being in the trade of it." I told him, sighing. I had completely given over my self-pride and stubbornness for the sake of Abaccus and I wasn't even sure it was going to work. "I'm not afraid of getting a little dirt under my fingernails if it means Abaccus can stay here…I mean, look at my dress." I offered, letting out a weak laugh as I picked up the skirt to the side and showed him the impressive muddy stain on the cotton-white frock.

There was a long silence between us, only filled with the noises Abaccus was making, which were few and far between. The boy examined his coat and his mane carefully for a moment.

"Your dress _is_ a state." He said, nodding and pursing his lips before turning and hopping onto the fence.

I sighed, figuring that it was all for not, as he was leaving, and turned to Abaccus.

"I'll find a way to keep you." I murmured to him, stroking along his face. He nuzzled in my pocket for the last apple I had left. "You'll eat me out of house and home." I chuckled, reaching for it.

But before I could give it to him, a hand gripped mine and I jumped. The boy was beside me once again and took it from my hand. I watched him with wide eyes as he threw it in the air a few times before taking a knife out of his pocket and slicing it in half. I winced seeing the blade press into his hand, but he barely took notice of it. Apparently, he hadn't even nicked himself.

He made clicking sounds that I heard the coachmen make a lot around the horses and smiled slightly. _How is he doing that? Fascinating._ Abaccus took notice straight away as the boy walked, keeping the apple slice in view of him the entire time.

"C'mon, boy." He said, still clicking. "If you want it, yer' gonna have to work." He said, walking backwards with ease and smirking at the horse.

I watched him in wonder as Abaccus followed him, drawn in by the sound and the scent of the apple combined.

"You can do better than that, wait there." He said, walking towards him and pushing either side of his neck, on his shoulders and making a few more encouraging noises. As he stepped away, he held the apple in front of him to show what it was all about.

To my amazement, Abaccus stayed where he was put and the boy got a good hundred yards away before he made the same clicking sound and called his name. Astonishingly, Abaccus did as he was told and retrieved the apple. The boy also gave him a pat and some deserved attention.

When he was finished, he walked over to me with a smirk.

"He _wants_ to learn." He told me.

"How did you do that?" I said, my mouth still agape.

"Years o' practice." He said, throwing the other half of the apple in the air in front of me. I caught it, barely, and looked at him bemused. "Give it a go. He's shown yer' he can do it." He said.

"I don't know…I can't make that noise." I said.

"Which one?" He asked, tilting his head to the side like a puppy waiting to receive information. I chuckled.

"The clicky noise." I said.

"Which one?" He asked again. I knew he was teasing, but I was actually smiling, so I tried. I ended up dribbling slightly down my chin.

He laughed aloud at my attempt and I blushed a brilliant shade of red, wiping my chin. _How embarrassing_. He sighed after his laughing fit and turned me to face him a little more.

"It's all in the side of the mouth, in yer' cheek." He said. "He ain't gonna' come to anythin' less, so yer' had better get it nailed. Now, press your tongue to the top of your mouth, at the front, and puff out your cheek a little.

"Like this." I mumbled, barely legible words escaped my mouth and he smirked.

"Summat' like that, yeah." He nodded. "Now, just take in a little air with your mouth and drop the side of your tongue down." He said.

First attempt, and I dribbled a little down myself again. That had him in hysterics. '_Rich girl being a lady as per'_ he had said. It took a while, but eventually I could make a half-decent sound and he nodded in appraisal.

The boy, who introduced himself again as Jasper, spent the rest of the afternoon teaching me the trick he had done in a few minutes. However, by the end of the day, I had Abaccus coming to me without the need for an apple and I laughed, giddy with accomplishment.

It looked as though I may be able to keep Abaccus after all, thanks to a certain stable boy who I would not underestimate again.


	7. Chapter 7

The day had passed quickly, teaching Abaccus different calls and such. Jasper had helped immensely over the past week and we had come to tolerate each other much more. When I put my mind to it, I could see why he would perhaps make good company. He had let go of me being the typical rich little daddy's girl and I had let go of him having such a big chip on his shoulder. At the end of the day, we were still children and the world didn't yet have to define who we could and couldn't have as friends…if we could consider ourselves that. He still laughed whenever I fell over and never offered me a hand up. He had argued that it build character to pick yourself up, I just found it rude.

I had learned a lot about him in the past seven days, more so than I had expected to. He was the apprentice of Edward, and missed him as much as I did. Apparently, he was a childhood friend of Jasper's older brother, Emmett, who had gone away to the army some time ago.

He, too, had lost his mother, but his father had remarried to a beautiful and kind lady whilst Jasper was still young. Her name was Esme and Jasper respected her dearly for taking on two much older children than most women did, apparently she could not have her own. It was sad, but Jasper was content knowing she was happy to take on a different family that needed a wife and a mother. He said she did brilliantly.

In turn, I had told Jasper about myself. He knew about my mother, as he had asked what I meant by 'used to say' when I had mentioned what she had said about people's thoughts and actions. I could tell that he came to respect my mother, as I painted her in a very true and loving light. Being a stable boy, apparently he had escaped the praise of the maids, who had all known her personally.

He had asked me what caused me to go and find Abaccus when I wasn't even sure he was alive. I had answered that I knew he was alive; it was just a case of finding him. He seemed pleased with the answer and asked about the meaning behind Abaccus possibly not being able to stay on the Swan Estate. I explained my father's conditions for my new friend; he had to be able to be ridden upon my father's return in the coming fall.

"How long do you think that will be?" I asked him. Of course, I could read a book on it, but Jasper seemed to know even more than any I had read about how horses really worked and their mindset.

"Not 'till he's full size, but exercise will start to become important for 'im when that happens, so yer' best bet is to get him saddled about five months." He told me.

"He's two months now." I informed him, watching Abaccus play with a butterfly. I giggled. "It's apparent, I know." I noted.

"I think that's just his personality." Jasper said.

"Do you think?" I asked.

"Think what?"

"That he has a personality."

"Definitely. All horses are their own person." He shrugged. "One o' the workin' horses yer' 'av here, Hercules, he's a devil for the ladies." He chuckled. "Bad temper, as well." He shook his head. "Yer' Daddy's prized show horse is a cheekly lil thing." He shook his head.

"Nanook?" I asked.

"Yeah." He answered. "Damn fine horse." He said, respect evident in his voice.

"Do you have a horse?" I asked him. It seemed like a perfectly logical thing to ask, considering his trade was horses.

"My family does." He said. "But not my own."

"Would you like one?" I questioned. It seemed strange that the family would share a single horse, if the son and father tended to them daily.

"You offerin'?" He chuckled. I rolled my eyes and he seemed to think for a moment. "Yes and no." He eventually answered.

I waited for him to explain what he meant by that. We were sat under the tree of Abaccus's pen, and had been for a while, for it was too hot to be out training horses.

"It's nice seeing different ones every day, but still the same, if you know what I mean? That and it would be hard to see one grow old and have to let it go. This way, I can move to other jobs and can kind of assume they all went to a field to enjoy their last days together." He shrugged. "Should stop hangin' around with ya', yer' makin' me go soft." He chuckled, getting up from the grass. This time, he extended me his hand.

"That's not soft, that's a sign of someone who respects what he works with. It's a nice thought." I told him, taking his hand to help me get up.

"Perhaps, Miss Swan, but I'd better get back to the stables that yer' Daddy's paying me to maintain." He smirked before letting go of my hand and heading off to the end of the pen.

As I watched him go, I felt Abaccus nuzzling my pocket, looking for the apples that had long since been eaten by him. I chuckled and gave him the attention he wanted, giving no more thought to training for the day.

"Bella, this is the third dress this month that you've ruined!" Mrs Cove hissed angrily, tugging my ear.

"I'm sorry!" I squealed. It felt as though she was going to rip my ear off.

"Sorry isn't good enough. Your father pays good money for these dresses and you treat them like they're nothing! You take everything for granted." She growled, throwing me into my room. "That horse can wait until you learn to behave like a lady!"

"Where have ya' been? Not gotten bored with the idea of your own horse already, have yer'? Jasper said, crossing his arms as I approached, raising his eyebrow at me.

"It's Mrs Cove!" I huffed angrily. "She locked me in my room for three days because of the last dress!" I grumbled. "And she put me in a yellow one today, knowing it'll get dirty so she can put me in there for longer tonight!" I huffed, kicking the dirt with my shoe.

Abaccus came to the gate, seemingly excited to see me and I sighed, walking over to him.

"I could've told yer' wearin' a dress was a bad idea from the start." Jasper shrugged, but I could see he empathised with me. We have spoken before about how I didn't choose what I wear, when he had first questioned my strange clothes for horse training.

I knew that Jasper probably thought my silly, at first, complaining of my privileged life, but I actually found myself envying his freedom. Jasper took for granted what he could do with his life, and I believe he thought I did the same. It was always the way; you wanted what you couldn't have and by the time you appreciated what you did, it was too late.

"She wants me to be a _lady_, and I _can_ be when the time calls for it…but a lady can also be useful." I huffed angrily.

Jasper pricked up at my statement and I saw him screw up his face slightly in thought. The last time he had done that, he had come up with the idea to get Abaccus to run a lap of the pen on command.

"What are you thinking?" I asked him, curious.

"Wait here." He said, taking off at full pelt towards the house.

"Jasper! Where are you going?" I called after him.

"You'll see! Have a chat with Abaccus while you're waiting!" He shouted back.

I huffed, as confused as I had been before and turned to the horse next to me.

"I never will understand that boy." I told him. He whinnied back in comforting understanding and I chuckled.

Nearly an hour later, after resigning myself to sit on the fence, I spotted something in the distance. Putting my hand above my eyes to block out the sun, I noticed a running figure that could only really be Jasper. Sighing with relief, I dropped down from the fence and started walking towards him.

"_Please_ tell me yer' dress is still clean." He huffed, out of breath as he came to a walk towards me. He was sweating, and looked very flushed.

"It is…but I don't understand…" I said, tilting my head like he often did when he didn't understand something. It was a habit I had learned from him.

Without warning, he thrust a pile of something at me and I barely caught it, nearly falling over. He chuckled, but steadied me as he arrived by catching my elbow. Furrowing my brow, I looked through what he had given me. There was a light brown shirt, which was probably white at some point and a pair of dark brown trousers that looked like they had seen better days, and fitted somebody with the legs of a giraffe.

I held them in my hands and looked at him sceptically. Why had he given me men's clothes?

"You said that the She-Devil loses her shit when you get yer' dresses dirty…now you won't. Just change into these when you're here." He offered as a solution, shrugging as though it were the simplest idea in the world. In a way, it was.

At first, I was shocked that he expected me to wear men's clothes…it simply wasn't done, at least, I had never heard of it. But then, I thought about the fact that this boy had just run for an hour, taken something of his own – he who had so little – and given it to me, the girl who had everything, just so that I could have just that little bit more.

I smiled to myself at the thought and placed them on the fence. Jasper certainly wasn't expecting it, but I wrapped my arms around him tightly.

"Thank you." I murmured into his shoulder. Even though he was only a little older than me, he was still over a head taller than me and I almost had to hang off of his frame to reach his ear.

He was shocked for a moment before placing his arms around me. He didn't say anything, but in that moment I knew that he recognised my gratefulness and we shared a moment that I had never had the likes of before. As a twelve year-old girl, I felt giddy at the thought of what this boy had done for me, and how far we had come from arguing only a fortnight ago.

Having forgotten myself, I blushed as I realised the inappropriateness of our embrace. We were children, but we were stupid.

Letting go, we headed to the pen where Abaccus was waiting for us and I chuckled. It would be strange to wear men's clothing, but it would certainly help with the messier stuff…like cleaning out the stables. It wasn't fair to expect Jasper to do it all the time on his own.

As Jasper hopped the fence, I took it very carefully in order to keep my dress pristine. Managing that okay, glad for the practice I had had, I went into Abaccus's stable and shut the door in order to get changed. Thankfully, the dress I was wearing wasn't too difficult to remove on my own and I was changed within ten minutes. I kept my underwear and corset on, for I would never be able to do that back up again on my own.

Stepping out, Jasper laughed heartily at my appearance and I rolled my eyes. It felt strange to feel such loose clothing around my shoulders and legs, but the lack of layers really did help with being able to move properly…though the corset was still annoying.

The shirt was a little too big, but I had tied it up at the front to make sure it didn't fall down. The trousers had been the same, but the belt worked wonders if I pulled them high enough and the belt tight enough with the shirt tucked in. Thankfully, my father had indulged me in riding boots before he left and I could tuck the baggy ends of the trousers into them so that I wouldn't trip. It wasn't the fashion statement of the century, but it would do for the job at hand.

"Oh, shut up." I rolled my eyes at him.

"I'm sorry, I've just never seen a rich girl like you in boys clothes." He chuckled, still petting Abaccus.

"See a lot of girls in boys clothes, do you?" I questioned, raising my eyebrow at him.

"Quite a lot, actually. Us poor-folk find it easier to do our work in the same kind of clothes. Even some of the rich women riders wear trousers now…obviously prettier pairs." He said, nodding to the questionable stain on the leg of the ones I was wearing. I grimaced, but couldn't help a chuckle. I felt a little better that I wasn't the first female cross-dresser ever.

The day was a lot easier in Jasper's clothes, and I had a lot of fun being able to roll on the floor when Abaccus knocked me over for the apples in my pockets. Although Jasper couldn't stay very long, as usual, I continued to have fun until the sun started to set.

I would miss Jasper when the time came that he had to go back to work, but the time that he did spare to help me was something I would appreciate for years to come. My father, and Mrs Cove, always reminded me of how much power and influence I would have when I was the Lady of the House and I would find a way to repay Jasper for everything he was doing for me now.

Perhaps, I could get him promoted like Edward, so that he could be with him. He could see the world then…he always talked about how he wanted to go to Germany and father would be going in the following summer. If it were possible, I would make it happen.


	8. Chapter 8

The weeks passed and turned into months. Some weeks, Jasper wouldn't be able to come out to the pen to see Abaccus and I, but he would always make up for it the following week. We spent hours making sure that Abaccus knew what he was supposed to be doing for what sound. I came to see Jasper as my most unlikely best friend, the person I would most hope to see whenever I was around the main stables. I liked to think that he saw a friend in me as well. Sometimes, he would arrive at the pen and we wouldn't teach Abaccus anything, it would be simply to spend a few hours sitting and talking.

I learned a lot more about Jasper over this time than I had about anyone else. He told me about where he wanted to go in life, and what he wanted to be when he grew up. It didn't escape my notice that he had a lot of ambition, but it didn't mean he couldn't do it…if anyone could climb their way out of their situation it was Jasper. I had faith in him.

He had changed his opinions on me quite a lot, he had told me so himself, since we first met. He applauded that I was able to break away from what I had been told about people like him and to find out for myself what people had about them. I smiled at the thought that he saw us as friends. I liked to think I had done the same for him and privileged people.

I would always wear the clothes that Jasper had given me, hiding them on one of the shelves in Abaccus's stables whenever I wasn't wearing them.

It came to the time when Abaccus could be ridden, and Jasper had been preparing him, making sure that he was safe and wouldn't get too spooked. However, Jasper had been very clear that I had to be the one to tame him. As much as Abaccus liked to socialise and be petted, that was not _tame_. To be saddled would be the ultimate test of whether he trusted us or not…and Jasper wanted him to trust me most out of everyone. He wanted Abaccus to know that I was his rider and he was my steed. It all sounded rather fairytale to me.

We watched him run the perimeter of the pen at blinding speed. Every day, he had gotten bigger, faster and stronger. Jasper had noted just how fast he was and smiled whenever he said so.

"He could be a racing horse, y'know." He told me, smirking. "Not that you'd know how to race 'im." He chuckled, shoving my shoulder.

"I'd _learn_." I told him defiantly.

"How? It takes _years_ of training." He rolled his eyes.

"Five months ago I didn't know how to train a horse." I told him playfully and he nodded.

"No, you didn't." He agreed.

As Abaccus made his way back round, whinnying at me as he arrived, I chuckled and praised his performance. Jasper went to the stable and Abaccus was curious, following him. As Jasper reached into it and bought out a long piece of rope, I stood back a little. He grabbed my arm and pulled me to him.

"Yer' gonna have to do this." He told me. "You can do this." He encouraged me, putting the pre-made hackamore in my hands. I looked to him with wide eyes as he stepped back from me a little. "Don't be scared of him again, he's yer' friend. Don't let 'im lose that respect for ya'." He said, pushing me forwards a little.

Swallowing hard, I stood a little taller. Jasper was right, I had been a lot closer to Abaccus before and he had been nothing but friendly…what would a hackamore change? Taking a deep breath, I clicked for him to come closer.

"Good boy." I said, smiling at him. He happily trotted over and I stroked the side of his face. "Are you going to let me put this on or are you going to be a nuisance?" I asked, holding it up to show him.

He whinnied and I rolled my eyes. I knew what that response was, but I saw the humour in it. I had no hopes of achieving what Jasper expected of me, but I could at least try. Reaching up to his head, which was quite a bit taller than I was now – even taller than Jasper – I managed to get it situated partially before he moved. But, when he did, he threw the whole thing off.

I huffed and gave him a stern look as I retrieved it. He watched me and followed me as I did. It was as though he were mocking me…as he did for the most part, anyway. Huffing, and a lot more determined this time, I reached up and got the darn thing on. My hands were shaking, but he seemed quite content having it on his face. By _content_, I mean that he wasn't get galloping off into the sunset with me still attached.

"Do as I told ya' now, Bells." Jasper called. I was thrown off slightly by the new nickname and Abaccus moved a little unexpectedly, causing me to stumble and have to use the hackamore to stop myself falling over.

Abaccus didn't like that too much and tried to move away from me. I let out a little squeal, but stood my ground, and pulled against him. Sure, if he wanted to pull away enough, he could, but the hackamore was so that I could communicate what I wanted him to do in a simple way. The reigns had fallen, but I got hold of them quickly and did as Jasper had showed me before.

Standing a little ways away from him, I started to walk. He moved a little before stopping dead in his tracks. To be honest, I had assumed he would take off at the speed of light, not be stubborn as a mule and ignore me. I huffed, _just like Abaccus to be the difficult one_.

I clicked at him a few more times to encourage him and he began to move, but took off a little quicker than I had thought he would and I stumbled slightly; eventually falling down and Abaccus taking off a little ways along the pen. I heard Jasper calling for me to take a break but I shook my head and told him I had it – this wouldn't beat me. He was right, I had to be the one to tame Abaccus.

Getting up with a huff, I jogged after him and got a hold of the reigns once more.

"Come on, boy. Work with me here." I pleaded softly, patting his neck the way Jasper usually did. "This is _our_ chance but I can't do all of the work for you." I said.

I wasn't sure whom I was trying to convince, he or I. I had been through this journey with him, and Jasper, and now was the time to prove that I wasn't this prissy little rich girl that he thought I was, that I _could_ do more than stand on show like Mrs Cove wanted me to do. Jasper was watching, and it gave me the determination to _want_ to do this, for _both_ of us. Abaccus wouldn't be staying if I couldn't do this. I wanted to greet my father riding him, to show him what I could do when I put my mind to it.

This time, I pulled a little firmer on the reigns and Abaccus moved like he had before, but I was expecting it. He pulled and I stumbled, but I kept my footing. I walked him a full circle, but he was getting restless and throwing his head about.

"Abaccus, come on." I cooed, clicking for him to follow. He took a little better, but he was still uncomfortable.

I kept with it, though. I kept walking him in the circle. Sometimes, the reigns would slip from my hands and the rope would burn, but I didn't let it deter me. An hour passed of this; I felt like I was getting nowhere. Abaccus was getting more and more frustrated and aggressive as time went on.

"Come on, Bells! He has to work _with_ you. Stop fightin' him and work _with_ him!" Jasper hollered over.

I looked at him, hot, angry tears in my eyes from my frustration. Huffing, I wiped my eyes and turned away from him. _I can do this; I just have to find a different way_.

Thinking back to how Abaccus had behaved in the field on his own, I got an idea. He had always run the perimeter, not the small circles that I was trying to force him into. Yes, that would come later, but for now I needed to get him to pay attention to my directions and _listen_ to me. Leading him to the edge of the pen, I whistled the specific way that meant to run the perimeter and he set off at an unimaginable pace for me.

Barely keeping up, my wrist was caught in the reigns and I had no choice but to run alongside him in a struggle. After a few seconds of his head being turned as he ran, he seemed to take notice of my presence and slow down slightly. When I still struggled, he slowed down further into a trot that I could keep up with. Running, rather quickly myself, I lead him around the pen. I was panting heavily as we made a full circle, but I didn't stop.

As I passed Jasper, he grinned at me, clapping. I felt a swell of pride and a new determination filled me. This time, I did half the pen, the next I did it a little smaller, and eventually got to a small circle that Abaccus was doing perfectly.

"Good boy!" I kept encouraging him, patting his side. The reigns were slack and he would let me cross in front of him and change direction after a while.

Bringing him back to Jasper, I couldn't stop grinning, my cheeks flushed and my body wet with sweat in the late summer heat, I kept hold of the reigns as I reached into my pocket and dropped three apples on the ground for Abaccus.

"I did it!" I yelled excitedly.

"I knew ya' could!" Jasper chuckled, grabbing me up into his arms and lifting me into the air. I was taken by surprise, but this was so obviously celebratory that I cheered along with him. "I'm proud of you, rich girl." He said as he slid me down.

My hands still on his shoulders, I smiled.

"Thank you, _stable boy_." I joked back, looking at Abaccus with sheer pride. "Next step, riding him." I said.

"I'll book the rest o' the week off; it'll take that long." Jasper jibed and I hit his arm.


	9. Chapter 9

"Miss Bella!"

I turned to see Mrs Lovett coming towards me, all a fluster, with her arms waving.

"What is it?" I asked, a little concerned.

"Nothing bad, my dear. Your father is returning today, we've just received word." She told me, smiling.

I grinned. I had missed my father dearly in the time that he had been gone. Of course, I understood why he had to go; it was that travelling to Europe, which meant we could live the life that we did. That wasn't to say I didn't miss him so.

"Have you tamed that horse?" Mrs Lovett asked, curious. I had spent very little time at the house since Abaccus had arrived, having been in the pen with him from the rise of the sun till the setting, but that didn't mean everyone in the house was oblivious to my actions.

"I rode him for the first time last week." I grinned to her. "I want to meet Papa on him." I told her.

"That's a mighty fine idea, Miss Bella." She smiled, running her hand over my cheek softly, her thumb trailing across a few times. "I'm very proud of you, not many girls can do what you have done, even in today's world."

"Not without help." I grinned at her.

"Pardon?" She asked.

"My friend–"

"Mrs Lovett, the kitchen requires your attention." Mrs Cove said, cutting me off before I could tell Mrs Lovett about Jasper. I knew she would like him; I wanted him to meet everyone from the inside…he had told me how the outside staff and the maids rarely came into contact. It explained the strangely awkward conversation when I had introduced Alice and Edward unknowingly.

"Very well." Mrs Lovett said, bowing her head to Mrs Cove. I had never been very aware of the status levels of the service, but it seemed that Mrs Cove outranked Mrs Lovett…and I wasn't sure how I felt about it.

Mrs Cove was not my favourite person, nor was I hers. She was mean, and didn't take my opinions – or thoughts – into consideration whenever my father was away. However, when he was back, I was _his_ daughter, first and foremost, and lived under _his_ rules. I wasn't sure how he would feel about me spending all of my time in the pen with Abaccus…he would probably _insist_ on more schooling than I was already doing on a daily basis. Papa wanted me to be an educated woman when I grew up; I understood and welcomed that, but I was still a _child_ and wanted my _childhood_ a little while longer. Hopefully, he would listen to reason. He had always been a reasonable man when he was presented with logic.

Dressing for the day ahead, Mrs Cove was sure to put me in something that would make riding a wholly difficult task. Trying to avoid rolling my eyes as she pulled my corset tighter than it had ever been, I coughed as I adjusted to the much smaller breathing space.

"Your father won't thank you for putting on weight over the time he has been gone, Miss Bella." Mrs Cove huffed.

"I haven't!" I argued back. I knew it was not wise to speak out against an elder, but I wasn't going to have her take out her bad mood on me for simply having fun. If anything, I had gained _muscle_ from all of the training and riding I had been doing lately with Abaccus.

"Don't backchat me, _girl_. I am still the law around here, even when your father returns. As your _true_ Governess, I want to see you raised well. He will not have time for you this break." She told me. I was a shocked at her outburst and questioned her immediately.

I didn't miss Mrs Cove's comment about being my 'true Governess'. I was not oblivious to the hierarchy games around me within the staff. Mrs Cove and Mrs Lovett seemed to battle one another with each and every step when it came to who would care for me in my father's absence. It made me uncomfortable to hear her making jibes about the one I silently preferred.

"What?"

"It's _'pardon'_." She corrected me. "Your father is bringing work home this time, and won't have time to _baby_ you." She informed me. "Besides, you are becoming a young woman with each passing day…the _lady_ in you is missing, but a body will grow." I heard her mutter under her breath. I wanted to stick my tongue out at her, show her exactly what I thought about her opinions.

I furrowed my brow and finished getting ready in silence – anything to get me out of the reach of this woman faster. I understood that deep down – deep, _deep_ down – Mrs Cove only wanted the best for me, but I didn't appreciate the way she went about it, even in my infancy. Mrs Lovett's approach was to nurture me, and keep my daydreams alive – I preferred it, but Fate never sided with me on exactly who got the title of _Governess_. When I had children, in the future, I would take this experience into account.

Once she had put my hair into a ridiculous hairstyle – one that I thought, frankly, made me look like a poodle – she allowed me to go. Of course, not without putting pristine daisy-white gloves on me…anything to try and keep me away from the pen. Since I had not returned to her with a dirty dress lately, thanks to Jasper's clothes, she was trying harder and harder to catch me out.

_However_, since today I would be meeting my father…and perhaps some of his businessmen, I would have to be very careful when retrieving Abaccus from the pen. Today would be his first time out, on the grounds, and I was nervous enough for the both of us. Not about his skill, for he had been ridden now for nearly a week and had only thrown me once…but of my riding skills.

I was a competent rider, had been since I was young, but it was different with Abaccus; he was a racing horse…the breed that you didn't often ride _leisurely_, or so Jasper had told me. It meant that he needed a lot of exercise through a day before he would calm to a normal pace. I had taken all of this on when I had rescued him, and I accepted that now.

Jasper had faith in me to keep him busy enough, and so I had faith in myself.

I hadn't expected to see Jasper this morning, but apparently he was already waiting for me at the gates, and had been for a little while considering he was sat throwing stones. _Such a boy thing to do_, I thought to myself and smiled. He waved when he spotted me.

"Morning, Bells." He said, stepping away from me when I went to hug him. It wasn't our usual greeting, but I was excited today and my tactile nature was taking over. I blushed slightly, feeling foolish. "Not in that pretty white dress, ma'am." He said as he removed his hat completely and placed it by his chest, over his heart. It was a very respectful greeting that was much more suited to an older pair than we.

"Stop it." I chastised him. He held his hands up in defeat and threw me that one-sided smirk…that was his signature look, smugness. I felt my embarrassment ebb slightly at his good mood and good humour. "How come you're here this early?" I asked.

"Stable boy duties _do_ call, ma'am." He said, still holding his hat and messing around. I rolled my eyes and did my best to ignore him. If he wanted to pretend he was on the cusp of adulthood, he could, but I wouldn't play his games – I was trying to _avoid_ such things. "But I figured I would save your delicate self from jumping Abaccus over the fence, since he's never jumped before, in your pretty white dress." He said, looking me up and down pointedly. It wasn't a look of admiration, more a mockery. I would have been hurt, had Jasper not shared the knowledge of Mrs Cove dressing me increasingly more ridiculously for the activities of the day as time went on. He also shared my opinions on the matter.

Jasper was a strange character in that respect. Where the few boys I had met of his age were admiring of women in their dresses, and constantly complimenting their beauty, he did not. He admired the beauty in _things_, rather than people. I believed it was his curious approach to life that originally sparked a long conversation between us. I would have gone as far to say that Jasper might just marry a horse, preferring its beauty to any mere lady. It made me laugh to think about. Not that I had thought extensively about Jasper and ladies – it just didn't seem to fit with him, he was different…_strange_, but different.

Coming to think of it, however, he did have a point. Abaccus had never jumped before, not like the '_show ponies'_ – as he called them – I had jumped before, and it wouldn't matter so much if he threw Jasper…he was in his working clothes anyway. That and Jasper always seemed to get right back up after being thrown…I had nearly cried.

I smiled at the thought he had had for me. Sliding his hat on as he hopped the fence, as effortlessly as usual, he sauntered over to Abaccus in the same fearless way he always had. There was nothing to fear from Abaccus anymore, but his confidence was striking against my own timid nature.

"Come here, boy." He whistled and clicked. Abaccus came straight over, as he always did, and let Jasper mount him without effort. Jasper's extreme comfort around horses was something I admired about him, amongst many other things. I wished that, in some ways, I could be more like Jasper when I got to his age. I would have to be quick – I didn't have long – but I had made progress already.

Abaccus had taken to the saddle well, and it was hard to get it off of him sometimes. Jasper steered him around to get a jump over the fence. They trotted for a little while before picking up speed. Jasper's hair was flowing in the wind, away from his slightly dirty face and I watched him with awe as he rode with such confidence.

Sadly, it was not to last. I realised, in that moment, that the were heading straight for me. My eyes bugged out of my head as I barrelled out of the way none too gracefully. Thankfully though, just at the last second, Abaccus had second thoughts and threw Jasper off sideways. _Perhaps not 'thankfully'; that looked rather painful._

I let out a chuckle that I couldn't contain once Jasper got up and I knew he was okay. He made a pretty rude hand gesture in my general direction for my jesting before walking Abaccus around before mounting him and trying again. _Very gentlemanly_, I thought with a huff.

I was met with the same sight, only this time Abaccus made the jump with ease, landing exactly where I had originally been standing. Yes, it had been a good idea to move spots. I wanted to reach my hand out and feel him as he landed, but decided against it as he settled down from the jump, throwing his head a little bit as the adrenaline coursed through him. Jasper managed to get him under control easily, however, and I beamed at him.

"That was beautiful!" I called to him, holding my hat onto my poodle hairstyle as I ran towards them.

"Sorry to take that first experience off you, Bells, but I couldn't resist with such a beautiful thing." He said, patting Abaccus as he jumped down.

"He's a sight to behold." I nodded, congratulating the both of them with pats on the shoulder.

There was a moment of silence between us where we just appreciated how far we had come – as friends and with Abaccus – just enjoying the late summer sun. He grinned at me as he bought Abaccus to me.

"Come on then, ma'am. Time to go and introduce him to yer' Daddy." He winked.

Jasper kindly held out his hands, knitted together, to give me a boost up. Unfortunately, Abaccus had grown so large that I couldn't mount him without a block, or Jasper's help, but he didn't seem to mind. I placed my foot in his hands and the force he used nearly sent me flying over the other side of Abaccus. Jasper chuckled, but steadied me.

Sitting differently to how I had before – sidesaddle was more appropriate – Jasper helped me get settled and walked beside us for a while as we set off towards the house.

Abaccus wasn't used to being ridden sidesaddle, but with Jasper's help me got the hang of it. As much as I liked riding normally, it wasn't appropriate to straddle a horse in a daisy-white dress to meet your father and his business contacts. Even at my age, I understood the need for appearances and how important it was that they respect our family – I would be representing my father the entirety of their visit.

Once I felt comfortable enough, Jasper picked up the pace a little, jogging beside us. I let out a laugh as Jasper gave Abaccus a whack on the backside, causing him to take off rather quickly. I nearly lost my hat with the gust of wind, and hand to keep hold of it. I heard his laughter getting quieter and I glanced behind me as he disappeared into the distance behind us. I squealed in delight as Abaccus sped up even more. _This is exhilarating._

By now, my father was just arriving in the carriage, greeting his business contacts from the one that had followed behind. I called out to him as I approached. I was coming in hot.

"Papa!" I called.

He turned to face me, gripping his hat in the wind, which had picked up as the autumn began to settle over the land. I watched first as shock, and then amazement crossed his features with a wide grin spread across his face. I pulled on Abaccus's reigns a little to slow him down as I approached them. He didn't stand still; he was always too excited to. As he paced slightly and stepped about, I grinned at my father.

"Tell me this isn't the wild beast you bought home, Bella. I will be mighty impressed with my girl, if it is." He said, patting Abaccus's neck appreciatively.

"It is, Papa." I grinned. "Isn't he beautiful?"

"That he is, baby girl." He said, walking around me, mounted on him, and picking up his feet. "He's not shoed yet." He noted.

"Jasper says it's better to wait until they're a little older or it can cause them to go prematurely lame." I told him, repeating exactly what Jasper had told me – I liked learning from him about things I never would otherwise.

"Who's Jasper?" My father asked suspiciously. I was confused by his reaction, but I persevered.

"He's the stable boy, Papa. He helped me train Abaccus safely." I told him.

My father didn't look overly happy, but he begrudgingly nodded and stepped away, clearing his throat. I wanted to question him, but he spoke before I could.

"I shall have to thank the boy." He added. I grinned at the thought of perhaps being able to do for Jasper what I had promised myself I would.

"About that, Papa–"

"Magnificent beast, ma'am." One of my father's business partners said as he approached, cutting my sentence off. Apparently, my father hadn't heard me and looked to his business associate. He was a tall man, wide in stature, slightly round, and had some impressive facial hair. I smiled at him.

"Thank you, Sir." I nodded respectfully. I would find another time to request a favour from my father.

"Do you race?" He asked me.

"No, Sir. But I'm becoming ever more interested in the idea." I told him. At least I knew Jasper wasn't lying about Abaccus's breed. I felt silly for needing confirmation and told myself I wouldn't doubt him again.

"I'm certainly your man, should you consider it, young Miss..." He said, trailing off.

"Isabella. I prefer Bella, though."

"So close to_ 'beauty'_ in Italian. I see my old gambling buddy had a knack for at least something, even if it was only foreshadowing the future." He said, elbowing my father and laughing heartily.

This man was more like the males I had met in my life…it seemed to be an 'all male apart from Jasper' kind of trait. I wasn't offended by his comments, far from it, but it did make me think for a moment.

"Now, about that racing…" He said, looking to my father for permission.

"We'll discuss it later. Why don't you get _Abaccus_," he noted with a smile, "settled into his stable and then come inside for some tea? I have many people I wish for you to meet."

"Of course, Papa." I said, smiling. "I'll see you in a short while."

My father and his business associates, and some of their wives, headed into the house as Abaccus moved around, still a little too excited to be standing still. I would have to ask Jasper to ride him for a little while to wear him out. He wasn't used to such short journeys. Since my father would have no more need for the horses for the rest of the day – being busy entertaining his guests – he would have the time to spend on leisure.

As I went to turn Abaccus about face and return to the field, I heard a very familiar voice behind me.

"My, my, my, little Miss…"

"Edward!" I grinned. Edward reached up to help me down from where I was sat and I obliged, glad of his help as I slid down into his arms. He placed me on the floor gently and took a step back to admire Abaccus.

"You _have_ been busy." He said, stroking his mane thoughtfully. "I heard you mention Jasper, has that little _varmint_ been bothering you?" He asked playfully, but with an edge to his voice. Why did everyone have this reaction about Jasper? Had he done something?

_Surely not._

"Oh no!" I shook my head insistently. "He's been brilliant. I couldn't have done this without him. I spent the first three weeks just feeding him apples for no reason." I rolled my eyes at my own stupidity. Edward laughed outwardly, the tension loosening from his features.

"But you got there in the end." He encouraged me.

"I did." I beamed.

"Proud of you, kiddo." He said, catching my chin with his hand softly and flicking it with his thumb, just like my father often did. It was a gesture of adult to child affection, a touch that broke through the generations.

"I've missed you, and so has Jasper…and Alice." I told him, a little smile to my lips.

Alice had seen me regularly since Edward had been away, as she always did, and I had talked to her about who she was missing from the convoy that often went abroad. She never said it aloud, but her mood always changed ever so slightly when I mentioned Edward.

"Oh, well, erm…" Edward, for the first time ever, looked slightly flustered and I folded my hands behind my back to outwardly convey innocence. I inwardly grinned at my actions. "I guess I've missed your annoying self as well." He winked, changing the subject. "Jasper, not so much. His brother has sent me a few letters, though, so I'd better pass that information on to him."

Jasper's brother, as I already knew, was a good friend of Edward's and had been with the army for a few years now. Jasper missed him terribly, but he was frequently sent news of his brother's whereabouts and how he was getting on. I was happy that he and Edward at least had that. Not having any siblings, I could scarcely say that I knew how he felt, but I could at least _attempt_ to empathise with him – Jasper was not one for pity.

We talked for a little while, catching up on what he had been doing in Europe with my father. I was entranced by the way he spoke of the foreign world and hoped that one day I would see it. After a few minutes, I heard a very familiar drawl and it bought a smile to my face.

"Jasper!" I grinned, turning to see my friend approach.

"Ma'am." He said, tilting his hat again. It was a mocking gesture and I stamped my foot at him embarrassing me. I saw Edward smirk, but I didn't say anything. "How did he do?" He asked, grimacing as he passed me and received a hit on the shoulder. I could have stayed mad at him, but his mention of Abaccus bought too many happy feelings to my soul.

"Amazingly. He didn't falter _once_. One of Papa's business associates suggested getting into racing with him." I beamed. My enthusiasm stemmed from wanting Jasper to be proud of me, and what I had managed. I knew it was vain to want to be told how well you were doing, but it wasn't empty compliments when I _finally_ managed to get one from him.

"He'd certainly be the horse to do it wit'." Jasper nodded, taking the reigns from me.

_Point made_.

"Yer' 'ad better head inside, I'll make sure he gets 'nough of a run and he gets back alright." He promised.

"Thank you." I said genuinely, smiling at him and saying goodbye to Edward before heading inside. I heard Edward ask Jasper something, but I was too excited to talk to my father properly after his long trip away. It had been too long.


	10. Chapter 10

Mrs Cove had been right about my father's stint back home. He had only been able to see me a few times since he had been back, due to business work. One of those times, as it happened, was a _formal_ party that he had thrown in order to socialise his new business partners and with the local people. With my father selling what he grew on his plantations to the people, it seemed only fitting that they knew him, and I, somewhat personally.

I had to admit, it was lovely to see everyone from the surrounding area, though those of Jasper and Alice's class weren't in accordance with the business partner's network. I was sure my father would have invited them in accordance with my mother's beliefs, but _they_ had held more influence for the time being. I felt bad about the fact I couldn't invite Jasper's and Alice's families, but I was twelve years old, and there was nothing I could do. The games of society moulded me, not the other way around.

The night had ended early for me, once I had met everyone; it was not _prudent_ for a young girl to be at a party for very long. I had made my appearance, been dressed in a ridiculously heavy dress and been sweet at pie to everyone I met. I had to admit, I hadn't really wanted to stay that long…the atmosphere in the room seemed rather tense. The reasons why were never explained to me, but I was sure it had something to do with my father's links in the North. What I had heard from passing conversations was that there was a little animosity between the two sides of the country. I hoped it wouldn't last and all would be forgotten.

In bed that night, I dreamt of jumping Abaccus like Jasper had. It hadn't been the first time I dreamt of that horse, but I enjoyed it as though it were my very first night. It was, however, the first night I dreamt of Jasper Whitlock. It was a pleasant affair – he was much quieter in my dreams, and I was thankful for the silence and lack of smart remarks.

As much as people liked to look down on people like Jasper, I had come to realise rather easily that it was all nonsense…at least in his and Alice's case. I hoped that Edward would see that.

Edward had began where Jasper had, and risen through the ranks to a point where he could attend the party that had been conducted that night. That was when I thought of my father and the request I still had to make of him. I didn't want to push Jasper into being something he did not want to be…but I had hoped that getting to know me had at least altered his opinion on _people like me_. We weren't all the same.

I supposed the same could be said for _people like him_, but I was a child and he was my friend. What bother was it to me that he didn't compliment my dresses or hold out his hand every time I needed to take a step. Sure, Jasper wasn't quite a gentleman, but he was my friend and I liked him just the way he was. I hoped we would remain friends for a long time.

The weeks passed and my father had left in the early hours of the morning, before I could see him. I felt awful that I hadn't had a chance to ask him about Jasper possibly moving up in the hierarchy, but then I hadn't seen Jasper at all in over a month. I had been busy being the perfect daughter of a wealthy trader and hadn't been able to get away. Mrs Cove kept me busy with things appropriate for a _young lady_ and it was something I couldn't escape when under the watchful eyes of my father's business associates.

Needless to say, I was happy when they left, but I would still miss my father. He would be gone now until after Christmas. It wouldn't be my first without him, but the staff would save me a letter to open on my birthday and Christmas Day...they always had done. Come to think of it, my thirteenth birthday wasn't far off, and I was actually excited. Not for the presents, or the attention, but the sense of getting closer to being able to make my own decisions in life. It would all start with what I wore, I vowed that as I looked down at the lemon dress – with matching ribbons in my hair – that I was currently wearing.

The actual sentence of Birthdays were something that no one needed to get excited about, yet always did. I never understood it, but I certainly fit into the stencil of it.

As I readied myself that day, excited to see Abaccus again, I obliged with everything Mrs Cove said, but it was still nearly midday before I managed to get out. Not wasting time, I ran the entire way. Sure, I was getting sweaty all over my supposedly _nice_ dress, but I wouldn't be wearing it for long anyway.

As I reached the pen, I noticed that Jasper wasn't there and my heart sank a little. I had been hoping to see him, but then again, he wouldn't have known I was coming out today, so I couldn't get upset. I could still do what I had planned to.

Abaccus came to the gate to meet me, and I managed to get over without ripping or dirtying my dress, which was a plus. After a month of having her way, Mrs Cove would have probably loved to see me come back muddy the second I was given a little freedom.

Once I was changed, I got straight into the saddle – so to speak – and ran Abaccus round the pen a few times.

I knew that it was a stupid idea before I did it, but it didn't stop me. I wanted to jump like Jasper had…and Abaccus had done it before, he would be fine. I bit my lip as I leant down to Abaccus's neck and patted him, speaking words of encouragement to him softly.

"C'mon, boy, you've done this before. Jump for _me_." I said, sitting up a little more in the saddle and kicking my heels inwards. _Wait till Jasper hears about this!_

He set off like a bat out of hell and I only just managed to get a good grip of the saddle. I had been taught to that when jumping – though I had only done it a few times – and leant forwards. The speed was incredible, and my heart pounded in my chest as the fence approached.

As we did, I realised just how _high_ it was – at least four or five feet, and I hesitated in my stance. This must have translated to Abaccus and he got confused, faltering at the last moment and kicking out. I was thrown from his back, into the air, letting out a scream. I had not gone over the side, like was safe, I went over the top. Falling quite a way, I landed on my back with a huff and rolled several times. I was winded and it was difficult to suck in any air. I felt like I was choking.

Something wasn't right; I was in too much pain.

I cried out, but there was no one around to hear me. If they had not heard my initial scream, my winded-gasps weren't going to draw anyone in. The pen was quite a ways from the house, at least a ten-minute walk, and couldn't be seen from there.

Abaccus, seeming to know that something was wrong, came over and nuzzled my face, but I began to let out hot, salty tears of pain. Something was very wrong; I hadn't felt like this before in _all_ of my injuries.

Unsure of how long I was laying there, I felt the temperature drop and the light of the day fade. Abaccus had long since lay down next to me and kept nuzzling me every now and again when my eyes closed a little too much for his liking. I welcomed the distraction, even if it was only for a few seconds…or if he was looking for apples in my pockets. I was so tired, though…I wanted to sleep.

"Miss Bella!" I heard in the distance. I wasn't even sure if I heard it, it was so quiet.

Several voices then came from different angles, but I didn't have the energy to call out to them. I must have been gone so long that people were looking for me. I lay on that floor for an immeasurable amount of time, slipping in and out of consciousness, in the freezing cold. I could hear Abaccus making a ruckus, but I couldn't bring myself to calm him down.

I knew I was in danger; I knew the dangers of being out in the cold, and the dark, with an injury that rendered me unable to move. Perhaps I could, but it was excruciating to move my arms at this point.

"Bells!"

_Jasper?_

"Oh, Bells! What have yer' done to yourself?"

_Jasper, help me._

"I'm here, don't worry. I'll get you back."

I must have been mumbling some of my thoughts out loud, for he seemed to be answering me. I let out a scream of pain as I was moved, but it didn't deter him from picking me up. I was jolted and thrown about a little as he must have climbed the fence, but when I was finally settled, and he was walking, I felt as comforted as was possible in that moment. The pain was agonising, I wanted it to end; I just wanted to sleep. I knew that I kept crying out, and I could feel Jasper shaking beneath me, but the walk seemed to take a lifetime and my body felt unnaturally contorted despite not being able to feel any of it. I sobbed into whatever my face was pressed against, but I was _safe_ now, I had to remember that.

_Thank you…Jasper…_

"It's alright, Bella. I've got you. Yer' gonna' be alright." I thought I heard his voice crack, but I couldn't be sure. The blackness was closing in and I wasn't sure if I could fight it off this time. I couldn't feel my arms _or_ my legs anymore, I was so cold. A shiver wracked my body as my head went limp.

"Stay with me or I'll have to get _really_ un-gentlemanly with my language, Bella!" He snarled at me. "I've found 'er!" I heard him yell. "_Somebody help me!_"

I wasn't sure how much time had passed; the pain was blinding me, making me delirious. One moment I would see the stars in the sky, and the bottom of Jasper's chin, and then nothing.

There was a ruckus again and a changing of hands, a lot of pain and then blackness. I wasn't sure what was happening, but I knew I was exhausted and needed to rest – damn the consequences.

**Okay, guys, just to stop confusion here...the next few chapters are going to be in Edward's POV. **


	11. Chapter 11

Edward's POV

"What's the score?" I said when the little Swan girl was out of hearing range. The horse was a beauty, I would admit that, but I felt as though it were another beauty that had Jasper so interested in this horse.

"What?" Jasper asked innocently, and slightly abrasively.

"Y'all know that ain't gonna' wash with me, boy. It ain't gonna' end well for either of ya'." I said, raising my eyebrow at him as I stroked Abaccus.

"You don't know what yer' talkin' 'bout." He rolled his eyes, but the angst was there…the shutting down was there, and it was _going_ to happen.

"She ain't of our world, Jasper. You'll do well to remember that _before_ you get yourself in trouble." I told him.

It was sad to think that the boy had developed such an attachment to his young friend…and I was sure that, for the moment, that was all it was. But…childhood friendships developed into more when certain circumstances came to pass. It wasn't too far an assumption to make that the already pretty girl would blossom into a woman before his very eyes. He wouldn't know what hit him.

Jasper being her protector and helper with Abaccus would be the straw that broke the camels' back for their friendship and it would develop into something more...even if just for one of them. I had already overheard several conversations the Master had had with a few business clients about their sons. How would Jasper fair in the years to come, if she were to accept one of their proposals?

Sadly, it wasn't something she would ever be able to do…marry for love. The little Miss was already having her name thrown around at different events that the Master had been to. I had heard a few of the comments myself, of men offering their sons to her when she came of age. My heart broke slightly at the thought of such a kind soul going to men like the sons of these _business types_ a bargaining chip. They weren't like her, they were all for the money and the lifestyle…she was different. She was like her mother. Unlike her mother though, she had been _born_ into that world and, as her father's empire grew, she became an asset too good to waste. He loved his daughter, and would think he was acting in her best interests. Jasper wouldn't understand that. Perhaps it would be in her best interests when she grew up, I was not the one to have an opinion on such things.

I watched Jasper ride Abaccus off into the distance and wondered to myself whether he would listen to me or whether he would get his heart broken. It was sad to think that the girl wouldn't even be the one to do it; it would be Mr Swan, and she would let him. I sighed as I headed to the stables to put the other horses to rest and get them fed and watered. This was not an ideal situation, and was certainly not what I wanted to deal with on my break home.


	12. Chapter 12

Dropping by Carlisle and Esme's house wasn't uncommon of me, especially when I came bearing Emmett's letters. Since I was a higher earner than Carlisle and Esme combined, I would send the letters they had written off for them and travel to pick them up, to save them delivery costs.

They were glad to see me, as always, and passed the letters around over dinner, laughing and crying as they did. I missed my friend, but his place was with the army; he had wanted to be an Officer since the beginning of our friendship and I was proud of him for following his dream. He was doing well for himself, and had even met a young lady on his travels that he would often write to, but he had sent bad word of the situation with the North of American and it didn't look good for the men in the Military.

It had been a hot topic of conversation for the past month, especially with the rather _involved_ and _influential_ businessmen I had been ferrying around for the Master. Though the Master used only paid workers on his plantations – on ethical grounds that he shared with very few here in the South – the rich men he entertained did not share his views. They were bitter against the North and their liberal attitudes. They weren't afraid to make their opinions known.

I held no ill-feelings toward the Swan Family, but the company they kept weren't ones I would _choose_ to spend my time with. I was glad that, at the end of the day, I could go to my home and see my honest, hardworking parents. For now, though, I was enjoying the company of some very old friends.

We laughed, we cried, and we had a good time, remembering Emmett as he had been before he left four years ago…he would be a fully grown man now; Esme and Carlisle hadn't seen him since he was seventeen. It was sad to think this was what War – or the threat of War – did to the world and relationships. He had lied about his age, he was so desperate to go, but none of us held it against him. Emmett had always been a very carefree individual, even when he was a child, but his devotion to his career path meant we accepted his decision.

Never the brightest spark, Emmett had seemed to excel in the military and even learned to read and write. Esme and Carlisle had taken it upon themselves to begin learning before he left, anticipating his long stints away and wanting a way to communicate with him. They had even taught Jasper a few bits and pieces, but he hadn't taken to it like everyone else seemed to. He would usually listen attentively, though, as everyone else read the letters aloud.

Jasper arrived home rather late that night, however, and he didn't seem to be in the best of moods. Esme tried to speak to him, but he wasn't interested. He politely excused himself to his room, claiming he had had a tiring day, after the reading of the letters and I sighed. I had to go up and speak to him. I knew that his current mood was because of what I had said, and I had to clear the air with him.

Knocking on his bedroom door, I heard no response.

"Jasper, I need to talk to you."

"Please leave." He replied, his tone sounding bored and disinterested.

I huffed and opened the door anyway. When I entered, I was beyond shocked to find several drawings of the little Miss around his room; some featuring Abaccus and others of her on her own in different settings. Some, she was not exactly in formal attire for a lady. _Are those trousers?_

"I think you had better explain." I said, raising my brow at him.

And so, that was the night I learned of Jasper's attachment to the little Miss and exactly how he felt about her and their friendship. He saw in her what the Master had seen in his wife so many years ago. When he had been nothing, and she had been something, they had fallen in love. She did not see class, and neither did Bella. Though he swore it was simple friendship, the buds of what it _could_ _be_ were there.

The drawings had been his attempt to make her a birthday present, something that she could frame, but he hadn't gotten it right yet. As for the clothes, I was shocked to hear he had given her his spare set and she actually wore them. It worried me to think that Jasper could really get himself in trouble with the Master – or even Mrs Cove – if someone found out. His childlike innocence was dangerous.

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger. This would not be easy on either of us.

"Jasper, I meant what I said…she ain't of our world." I told him.

"Why do you keep sayin' that? She don't think so. She's on Earth, ain't she?" He argued, his cheeks flushing in anger.

"She's young. _You're_ young." I sighed. I didn't want to patronise him, but he was being as stubborn as a mule. "What she _thinks_, and _believes_, won't matter when she becomes of age. She will marry and she will enter a world in which you can't follow." I told him.

"What's that got t' do wit' anythin'?" He asked, furrowing his brow. Before I could answer, he shook his head and moved on. "What's to say not? We're friends now, ain't we?"

I supposed, if everyone saw the world like Jasper, then he would have made a very decent point. But they didn't, and his point was invalid.

"Her new husband." I told him, feeling as though I were getting nowhere.

"She don't have one." He argued with me.

_Now you're just being purposely obtuse, Jasper._

How was I supposed to get it through to him? He saw them as friends; he was too young, too stupid to know what many people had learned the hard way. Jasper was a stubborn boy.

"She won't be her own woman forever…do you think he'll allow her to ride horses and spend all of her time with stable boys?" I asked. It was cruel, but it was the cold, hard truth…and he needed a dose of it to protect himself.

"I won't be a stable boy then!" He argued, getting more heated, his cheeks flushing.

"No, you'll be a Coachman, like me. Do you see me spending my time with the little Miss?"

"You're always away!" He hissed.

"Yes, because I have a job to do. If you stay with the Swan's, you'll be doing the same as me, but for her husband. You'll ferry _him_ around, making _him_ money, and you'll never see her."

"But…she's my friend." He said. I could hear how broken his resolve was through his voice. "She'll always be my friend." He said, looking at what I presumed to be his favourite picture of her, one of her smiling atop Abaccus.

"You'll always be friends in spirit, but that's all." I told him. "Right now, your worlds touch ever so slightly…in a year or so, you might never see her again."

"Then I'll write to her."

"Love letters from a working man could _ruin_ her reputation, Jasper. For a girl like her, that's all she has. You have to understand that." I rubbed my temples.

This time, he didn't argue with my point, he simply sat back in his chair…looking at the image of her. I leaned over and placed my hand on his shoulder to comfort him.

"She'll soon fade from your memory as just a girl ya' used to know. When ya' get older, you'll probably forget about her completely." I tried to comfort him, but he seemed to ignore me.

"She'll always be my friend." He said.

"I think it would be best to tone down the amount of time you spend with her." I sighed, patting his leg. "Her father is back for just over a month; she won't be able to go down to the stables at all for that time. Look after Abaccus, but limit your time to her _rarely_. Look after yourself first." I told him, poking his chest. "That's the most important thing."

"I guess so."

**Woo, okay, next chapter we find out what's happened to Bella and whether she's going to be okay. Please R&amp;R!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Okay, guys, I know there's been a bit of bother with the uploading of the chapters. Bear with me as I just jumble things around and try to fix them. Sorry about the inconvenience but it'll be worth it when you can actually read my work without code everywhere! Let me know if it STILL isn't fixed...**

I hated myself.

The little Miss had been missing for hours before anyone had noticed. She had snuck out without her nanny, Mrs Cove, the Head of House, knowing and gone to the field. We had been searching for two hours past dark before anyone found anything. I was the first to find Jasper holding her, crying out for help.

She had been thrown from the horse, the how and why was quite evident…Jasper wasn't there to help her. She had been laying on the ground for hours, in the freezing cold, and Jasper had only found when he had heard the news around town of people looking far and wide for her.

Apparently, he had known immediately where to find her, no one else being on-site that knew where Abaccus's pen was – the grounds to the Swan Family being so large, they couldn't search it all in the time they had been out.

He had heard the horse whinnying and drawing attention to itself nearly half a mile away from the pen and he knew something was wrong. He had found her, sprawled out on the floor very unnaturally and sobbing quietly, shivering.

In a confused and delirious way, she had been mumbling his name but nothing else as he walked back with her.

"Somebody, help me!" He cried. "Edward!" He gasped when he finally saw me. My eyes fell on him, struggling under the weight of the girl that was unconscious in his arms. He was not a weak boy, but his emotional trauma was weighing him down.

I rushed over and took the little Miss from his arms gently. He warned me of her suspected injuries and I cradled her close to me. She was cold, her skin white as snow and her lips coral blue. What had happened to her?

Jasper was hysterical beside me, unable to focus. I had to use a firm tone to get some sense into him. I felt the same as he looked, but this was not the time to fall to pieces; the little Miss needed our help. From the look of her, it may have already been too late.

"_Jasper_." I snapped. He looked to me with wide, frightened eyes. "Go to the house and get _help_. Get them to call the doctor." I ordered him. I could see how difficult it was for him to leave her, but he set off at a blinding pace towards the brightly lit house. He stumbled, pushing his body faster than his balance could counter.

It was a long, long night sat in that barn. Once the little Miss was inside, the doctor checked her for what seemed like a lifetime. Jasper stayed on the grounds way past what he was paid to, pacing within the stables. I watched him the entire time.

"You're frightening the horses." I said as I walked over, running a hand through my hair. I was calmer than him, but only marginally. Jasper was silent for a long time, until I looked up at him. His silence was too unnatural for how he looked.

"This is my fault." He sighed, finally sitting down. It was more of a collapse into the hay. His emotions had finally weighed him down and he was thinking too much.

"No, it ain't. It was an _accident_. We don't even know what happened yet, Jasper." I told him, shaking my head.

"I could have _been_ _there_ to avoid it! But I listened to _you_ and stayed away! If not to stop it, I could have brought 'er here faster; she wouldn't have been _freezing_ for hours!" He hissed angrily, getting up and kicking a fodder bucket across the stables. It was empty, thankfully, but it made a racket as it ricocheted off the wall.

"So, it's _my_ fault now?" I questioned him angrily. He had to get control of himself, or someone would notice his dear attachment to her…and that certainly wouldn't be good. I was as worried as him, but I had a lid on it…he was letting it rip him to shreds.

"Yes!" He paused. "No…I don't know." He sighed, falling down onto the hay again and clutching his head. "She didn't _deserve_ this."

I looked at my childhood friend's brother, someone I considered a brother myself, with pity and understanding for a moment before I sat beside him. He continued to look at the floor, looking worse for wear. His hair was sticking out in different directions from where he had kept tearing at it and his skin was sticky and pale; he looked ill.

"It ain't ever hardly _deserved_, boy." I told him with a sigh, putting my arm around him. Such moments of tenderness were not commonplace amongst men, but he needed the comfort of another in that moment.

The night stretched into the early hours of the morning, of Jasper and I sitting out with the horses, before we heard any news. I had suggested that we come back in the morning, but Jasper had given me a look that caused me to stay. He would not leave the little Miss in case he had to hear some very bad news through word of mouth. If she were to die, he wanted to hear it straight from the horse's mouth. After that particular conversation, we didn't all that much.

I saw the Master before anyone else. We had all made our way into the foyer of the house, everyone who had stayed awake to hear news, but his posture told us all what we had already come to conclude. The little Miss was in a bad way.

Her father was hunched over, barely holding himself up, as he addressed everyone. For a man that I only ever saw holding himself in good stead, with the posture of a man with pride, I looked upon a man broken…a father that feared he would lose his daughter. Despite it not being customary for the stable/coach people to be present, it seemed the little Miss had many friends from the search party and all were present to hear the future care she would need.

With a gruff, emotional voice, which I had never heard from the Master, he told us of her injuries. The little Miss was gravely ill, she had pneumonia from being out in the cold for so long. Fluid had collected on her lungs from internal bleeding…which the doctor had thankfully managed to stop with surgery. There hadn't been time to get her to a hospital, and a horror show of a medical procedure had taken place. I understood now why the Master's hands were stained red.

But the worst news was yet to come. Jasper stood beside me, and I gripped his shoulder tightly as the words fell from Charles Swan's lips. I was glad I had a hold of him, for he stumbled under the weight of the news.

The little Miss would never walk again.


	14. Chapter 14

My entire body ached in a way that it never had before, there was a pressure on my chest that I didn't understand…as though someone twice my size was laying on me.

I coughed and felt my head being lifted from the moment I started. I tried to get up and open my eyes, but they cracked only slightly. The pressure on my chest increased and I was forced to give up my efforts…not that I had gotten anywhere, that is.

"Calm, miss, yer' gonna' hurt yourself." I heard the voice of Mrs Lovett coo at me, her voice was soft and calming. I felt better knowing I was with someone, and not still in the field. Come to think of it, if I was with Mrs Lovett, I would be inside…so why did I feel so cold?

"_Mrs Lovett?_" I coughed out, wheezing horridly. My voice was scratchy, as though I hadn't spoken for years. I scrunched my eyes together against the harsh light burning my vision.

"It's alright." She said, her own voice cracking slightly.

_What's happened? Why can't I move? _My thoughts went to the last thing I remembered – laying down on the ground with Abaccus beside me.

I tried opening my eyes again, squinting against the harsh light that scorched my vision. Lifting my hand to my face, I rubbed my eyes. I couldn't feel a lot of my body, and I was weak, but the small task made me feel triumphant, though I couldn't keep my arm up for very long and it fell to my side.

As my eyes adjusted to the light and focused on the room, _my bedroom_, I noticed that I was surrounded by different metal, seeming suspiciously medical, equipment. I spotted Mrs Lovett standing beside me, her usually perfect hair placement seemed off, wispy hairs falling about her round face and her usually bright green eyes seemed darker – she seemed aged. A man I didn't recognise stood beside her and I furrowed my brow.

"Who are you?" I asked rather rudely, my voice barely above a whisper.

"I'm Dr John Schaum." He told me. His face was professional, but his eyes look sad and distant.

The doctor was a tall man, very slim in build and had fiery red hair that gave me a slight headache. I turned my face away from him, still trying to get my bearings.

"Pleasure." I said and he smiled at my quip. I scrunched up my face as I coughed heartily. "_What happened?_" I managed through the coughs, Mrs Lovett coming over with a glass of water. I remembered being in the field, but the events were blurry and coming back slowly, but surely.

"Miss Bella, I'd like to speak to you alone, if that's alright?" He asked, his German accent becoming apparent the more that he spoke. He looked to Mrs Lovett and then myself, gesturing that he would like her to leave. I didn't want her to go, she bought me comfort, but the doctor seemed rather grave to argue with.

"It's…alright." I said through a pant. I wanted to know what had happened, I knew I was injured…but why did I feel as I did, I felt like I was on death's door. Was I? Was I done with my time in this world? _I'm so cold._

Mrs Lovett left and the doctor looked to me with tired, understanding eyes. He looked pained in his work, and it only made me even more nervous. The doctors I had been to for my countless injuries had always seemed in high spirits about their work and they promised me full recovery each time. This was not one of those times. I wanted to sit up, to put us on more level pegging for whatever he had to say, but I was too weak to even lift my arms anymore; just being awake was exhausting.

"Miss Bella, do you remember your accident?" He asked me, taking a seat in the chair that was usually at my desk, for doing my educational work.

"Yes. I fell from Abaccus." I nodded, but even that caused a stain on my body and winced.

"I know it's hard, but try not to move whilst your body heals itself." He told me.

"Am I going to die?" I asked him outright. My voice was getting a little better, but it was still hoarse. I could feel my body let out a shiver, despite being frightfully hot and sweaty to the touch. I was just _so cold_.

"I don't think so." He replied, shaking his head. It comforted me somewhat that he was realistic with me; he didn't coddle me and say everything was going to be okay. If there was a chance I would die, he had told me so. The way I felt now, it would be hard to lie to me and say I would definitely survive this. "But you are not well, Miss Bella."

"My stars." I quipped. He let a sad smile show as he resettled himself in his seat. I didn't understand the look on his face, had he not he already told me that I may not survive this? Surely, that was the grief done.

"You've got a very severe case of pneumonia. For a while, I wasn't sure you were going to wake." He told me honestly. "But, you're improving steadily over the past few days. Your consciousness and intact memories are a good sign and attest to that." He informed me. I wanted to nod, but remembered the pain from a previous attempt before and just waited for him to go on. The way that he spoke, it indicated that the worst was yet to come.

The doctor slipped his hat off and looked down at the floor. There was something else he wasn't telling me. Why did he look like I might break at any moment? Pneumonia killed many people, I was aware of the severity of my condition…

"Miss Bella, when you fell, you landed on your back. In your back there are a row of bones, do you know what it is?" He asked me, seeming to divert from telling me exactly what was wrong, but I would humour him.

"My spine." I said, closing my eyes in acknowledgement. I knew little about medicine, but I had a general grasp of anatomy.

"Within your spine," he nodded, "are a collection of nerves, connecting your brain to each muscle in your body." He explained. I was glad for the medical lesson, but I felt my mood would darken in the next few minutes. It was painful to watch him try to tell me what had happened to me. "You damaged your spine when you fell, Miss Bella…" he trailed off, looking at me. "I did all that I could during surgery…but, it's very complicated and I didn't have the right equipment…"

I didn't understand, and furrowed my brow to convey this. I let out another cough, reaching my hand to my mouth to catch whatever had been seeping from the side of my mouth. I felt the warm blood before I saw it. Bringing my hand back, I watched it trickle down my finger.

"I don't understand." I said, ignoring the incident.

He looked at my hand and then to me. He seemed to be weighing something up in his mind, but eventually reached his decision.

"You will never walk again, Miss Swan. The damage done was too great. From what I can assess, you have no feeling in your legs." He said.

The use of my adult title, one that I would only receive when I was considered a woman, told me everything I needed to know. The doctor was, without knowing it, ending my childhood. I would not ride Abaccus again, I would not be able to hop the fence with Jasper and fall spectacularly and embarrassingly…I would not feel the grass beneath my toes when I removed my shoes, or the bite of the cold floor on winter mornings.

Would I see Jasper again?

Was the doctor right?

Would my life be worth it if he was?

There was a long silence between us, but I couldn't hide the tears that fell from my eyes. It was a silent sob; one filled with anguish and pain…though not the pain that could be fixed with medicine. Nothing would be fixed with medicine anymore. I looked down at my body, the parts that I would never move of my own accord again and it made my stomach churn.

My hands gripped my face and dug into my hair, pulling it painfully as I cried.

**Okay, so it's going to start getting a little sensitive and dark now. Just letting you guys know! Please, R&amp;R**


	15. Chapter 15

The weeks had passed, and I had not moved. Bedsores had collected on my body, but of course I couldn't feel the majority of them. Anything from the waist down was no longer a part of me. Sometimes I wished that I could have it all removed; looking at it just reminded me each passing second that they were dead weights to my body – for show, not use.

I looked down at my unmoving legs with hatred and anger everyday, but it never made any difference. This wasn't something that determination could change. Why had God forsaken me so? Had I done something wrong? Had I sinned in an unforgivable way? My own self-loathing was probably the most crippling part of all of this – I felt that I had no value, nothing to offer _anyone _anymore. What was I giving lay in this bed? What life could I live within these four walls? I was _useless_ in every sense of the word.

Would I remain here for the rest of my life? Would I ever be able to leave this bed, knowing what people must think of me? I was not obtuse to how society viewed people like me…pity would be all I ever received; they would see my ailment before they saw me.

I hated it.

The doctor saw me everyday for the first few weeks, but once my pneumonia cleared up he had no reason to come so often. I supposed I should be glad that I had survived an illness that took so many…but it was hard to value the life I had now. Once a week now, he would come and conduct tests on me, pricking different parts of the lower half on my body with a pin, but I would never feel anything. We had assessed where I was able to feel to, and the feeling stopped as my legs began. It was more for show than anything now. The doctor said I should be thankful for the muscles in my hips still working, allowing me to sit up, and I admired his attempt at enthusing me but I was void of hope now.

I hadn't seen Jasper, or Edward, for more than three months. I wanted to ask Ms Lovett about them, but she always seemed to change the subject. The few times she was here without Mrs Cove, though, she had revealed to me that Edward had gone on another trip with my father out of the country.

Despite his dismay, I had barely seen my father since the accident and he had headed off to Germany only three weeks after I awoke. He had seen me a lot originally, but I could see how hard it was for him to see me like this. When he had left, I had cried to myself, thrown things across the room and smashed them to a million pieces, knowing his _shame_ in me. Who wanted a _cripple_ for a daughter?

**Let me know how this is being received guys. This is not meant to offend anyone, by the way, I know it's a very sensitive topic but it will get better. **


	16. Chapter 16

It was past Christmas now, five months after I had woken up, moving into Easter. I was still looking at the draw that held Jasper's Christmas present. It wasn't much, despite all of my father's money, for Jasper didn't value things like that and I hadn't wanted to use wealth that wasn't mine. He valued sentimental things, and I had taken that into account when I thought of his gift. Jasper had often shared his views of _spoilt rich girls_ and I didn't want him to have those thoughts about me, so I had kept it a secret and made it on my own.

I often wondered if I would ever see Jasper again. He had not come to visit me, as I had expected. It hurt, but I understood the reasons why. I could send for him, but I had long since been indirectly warned against doing such a thing. The stable staffs were _not_ allowed inside the house. If I wanted to see him, _I_ would have to travel _to him_. I resigned myself to accepting that I would not see him.

Although the doctor was very helpful in trying to find feeling in my legs, he had not yet told me how I would be travelling around, if at all. I couldn't stay in this bed forever; it was unethical. Some part of me feared that I was being kept in this bed for a reason. I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind whenever they surfaced – people only wanted to help me. Even Mrs Cove, who had previously been a rather vile woman to me, had bought me fresh flowers from outside when I had mentioned how much I missed seeing the spring for myself.

"Doctor?" I asked one morning, whilst he was checking my calves for feeling. It was a formality I had long stopped pinning my hopes on.

I had been sat up that day and it was strange to see the world from an upright angle once again. I sat up only a handful of times – I had been known to lose my temper when I couldn't lift my own body weight to put myself into a sitting position. Anyone who offered me assistance was screamed at.

I hated whom I had become…that I had become so _bitter_ inside for things I couldn't change. Mrs Lovett told me that my reaction was natural, and that people understood what I was going through. I had since argued with her, challenging her that _no one_ knew what I was going through, _no one_ knew what it was like.

"Yes, Miss Swan?"

I was bought out of my thoughts.

The doctor had long since gone from calling me 'Miss Bella', as had a lot of the staff around the house. I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but the meaning was there – they saw me as a strong adult for carrying on, despite being only twelve. _Well, thirteen now_. It irritated me that they ignored my breakdowns as though they never happened.

"Is it possible that I could find a mode of transportation?" I asked him outright, tilting my head to the side. I _had_ to ask, I was getting cabin fever in this room. Maybe, just maybe, if I got out of there, I might feel some hope.

"Pardon?" He asked.

"Well, I only ask because I've been reading this book…" I trailed off, bringing it from under my pillow. "It's about people…people _like_ _me_…people who can't walk." I clarified when he didn't seem to get my point. He paused all motion for a moment but nodded, motioning for me to go on. "Well, it mentions a contraption called a _wheelchair_. It's quite a simple design." I said, turning the book around to show him.

He smiled after the initial shock, looking up at me.

"I think that would be a fine idea." He said, nodding. "I'll speak to Mrs Cove about it.

"No!" I said altogether too quickly.

He raised an eyebrow at me, waiting for me to explain my behaviour. _Oh, no, think of something, Bella_. I wasn't sure what made me think Mrs Cove was happy with me in the bed, but she seemed quite content that I wasn't running off to the fields anymore. I didn't like her attitude. Then again, I didn't like my own, that was why I was trying to change it.

"I want to surprise her." I told him quickly. "Like I surprised my father with Abaccus being tamed." I told him.

"That horse of yours. I swear, you mention him every day." The doctor chuckled, shaking his head. "What has come of him?" He asked me.

I furrowed my brow, I didn't even know. I hoped that Jasper was still going to see him, if nothing else. He was a social horse and needed exercise regularly. I was sure he would be content running around the pen, but it seemed almost cruel to deny him hacks and travels around the beautiful grounds of the Swan Estate.

"I think I'd like to go and see him when I get the _wheelchair_." I told the doctor. I knew I was being manipulative, but 'needs must' I told myself. "He was my friend before any of this." I said. I wasn't sure whom I was talking about, but the meaning was there. I wanted to see Abaccus…_and_ _Jasper_.

**She's fighting back! She's not letting his get her down, guys. She's too strong to let this swallow her up!**


	17. Chapter 17

"I can wheel myself." I huffed, Mrs Lovett _insisted_ on walking me to the door.

"It doesn't mean I can't help you, darlin'." She smiled from behind me, letting me down the final step into the garden.

I took a fresh gulp of air and grinned. It had been months since I had felt the sun properly; spring had rolled around by the time the wheelchair had arrived – bought from France by my father before he left again – however, it hadn't been until the summer that Mrs Lovett and Cove had allowed me to go outside in it. They wanted to make sure I was adept in the use of it before I was allowed out of their sight. _Really? What else could I end up doing to myself? I'm already disabled_.

I wondered at the beautiful blossoms that I had rarely paid attention to the previous year. Abaccus, now a year old, was freshly in my thoughts as Mrs Lovett stopped pushing me and faced me.

"Now, are you sure you can go alone? I can get you a chaperone." She told me, worrying her lip as she watched me.

"I'll be fine." I rolled my eyes, smiling. "I want to do this." I said, my natural determination was showing through for the first time in over half a year.

Gone were the months of feeling sorry for myself. What use would it be to wallow in self-pity? I had lived, I had been through a terrible illness and accident and I was still standing…_figuratively_ _speaking_. My life would be different to how I had planned it, yes, but that didn't mean I could be ungrateful for the chances I had been given. I felt bad for my initial behaviour, and had vowed to try and see the best in the world from the day my chair arrived onwards. The freedom it would allow was my rock, keeping my spirits high.

"Alright then." She said, standing back a little as I reached for the wheels.

Thankfully, I had thick gloves on that would protect my hands from the burn. The first time I had used the chair; I had worn them raw visiting every room I possibly could. I had quickly discovered that it took a lot of strength to move myself in this way, and my arms often ached at first. Now, though, I could do quite a bit before I had to take a break. I supposed my arms were my new legs in this contraption…and in that sense; I was taking my first steps.

When the chair had first arrived, I had thought it was just that – a simple chair. It was wicker, for the most part, with two large wheels either side and two smaller ones to steady it at the front. Originally, it had not had hand railings along the rims and I had to be pushed everywhere – that soon changed upon my request. The chair, itself, was rather large and luxurious to sit in once I got a cushion fitted to it. Overall, it wasn't a bad way to travel.

I moved steadily over the paths towards the fields. It was slow progress, and I was sweating slightly, but I _wanted_ this more than anything. I wanted to show myself I could do it. I had mastered indoors, now it was time for outdoors. If I could do this, I could do anything that someone with working legs could do…well, perhaps not _everything_ unless I attached a winch to my chair to hoist me up a mountain. It was an intriguing idea…and why not?

However, this good mood was not to last as I tired, climbing the slight incline to Abaccus's pen. My hands hurt through the gloves, and I was wet with sweat as I pushed against all of the forces that wanted me to stay inside. Eventually, though, my hand slipped and I span a little out of control. Huffing angrily at myself, I panted in place for a few moments. I needed to get that motivation back. I just needed a moment.

_Come on, Bella. You can do it. It's just a little further._

"Need some help?" I heard a familiar voice call.

I grinned as I looked up to see Edward walking towards me. He was as handsome as ever, though slightly more dishevelled than he had been when I saw him five months ago.

"Edward." I greeted him, tilting my head.

"Little Miss." He smiled, taking the handles into his hands and turning me to face the right way. "How have you been? It's nice to see ya' about." He said conversationally.

"Never better." I said sarcastically and he let out an awkward laugh.

"You seem to be doing alright." He noted, trying to bring my mood up.

"I wanted to do it on my own." I sighed, sitting back in the chair and allowing myself to be pushed.

"Italy wasn't built in a day." He chuckled.

"_Rome_, but I see your meaning." I corrected him with a smile.

"Rome, Italy…same kind of place." He shrugged, lifting the front wheels over a rock. "You'll get there, little Miss."

It made me happy to know that Edward didn't see me differently. He still called me what he had before, and talked as we did. I laughed heartily, more than I had in a long time, and I thanked him repeatedly for what he was doing. A comfortable silence fell over us as I took in the sights I hadn't been able to enjoy whilst wheeling myself.

Edward began to whistle _Farewell to Cheyenne _and I smiled, having my own little soundtrack to my venture outdoors.

"Abaccus 'as missed you." Edward let me know, squeezing my shoulder. I slowly lifted my hand and placed it over his, looking back at him. I had to ask, I had to _know_.

"And Jasper?" I asked quietly. I wasn't sure where all of my confidence and bravado had gone. I guessed that it was because of my uncertainty…it was as though Jasper just disappeared from my life without so much as a chance to say goodbye. I wondered if he saw me differently now that I couldn't be with him like I had before. Perhaps he would be at Abaccus's pen. _Calm down,_ I told myself.

"He's well, little Miss." He said, avoiding my question.

"That's not what I asked." I said, letting go of his hand and letting mine fall into my lap, looking down at them as I spoke. "What does he think of me?" I asked. It was the question at the forefront of my mind. I had seen Edward now – the first of the two people whose opinions I didn't know – and now it was time to find out whether _everyone_ accepted me as I was now.

There was a long pause between us as I heard Edward take a few breaths, thinking of how to phrase his answer. I closed my eyes and sighed, I supposed that it was no surprise. Even in this day and age, a disabled Miss was barely worth the title – pitied by all who surrounded her. Usually, it just made me more determined…but to think Jasper had those opinions broke something inside of me. Everyone had been overly gracious about me, and I guessed that I had been spoiled by the positive reactions. I took it all in my strike though, it was the first in a long line of experiences to come, no doubt.

"He's not around anymore." Edward said. I was confused by his words for a moment, but then he expanded. "As you probably know, War has broken out between the North and South," he informed me, "he joined the Army a couple months back." He told me.

I sighed, I did indeed know about the War, but I hadn't realised that someone like Jasper would be so moved by the call for troops. From what I could gather, no one put much stead into the War lasting very long. I thought this, but said nothing as we continued to travel towards Abaccus's pen. I wondered why Jasper hadn't come to see me before he went, and whether he thought of me whilst he was away. He had never mentioned a want to join the army, but then I had to consider the fact his brother was already there…perhaps he had grown into the idea. I had to stop those thoughts where they were; from what Edward had neglected to speak to me about spoke volumes of how Jasper felt about my current lifelong situation. It made my chest hurt and my eyes sting, but I focused on keeping my emotions to myself.

"He will make a fine soldier." I said eventually, looking up at our destination.

I thought about writing to him, perhaps things would be different if I could peak to him in some way, but I didn't even know where he was stationed. Edward didn't seem very forthcoming with information and I took the hint. Over the past half year I had come to realise that Jasper and I were from very different worlds…so different that he wasn't even allowed to come and see me on his own accord whilst I was ill – purely because of where he was allowed on the premises of my home.

What would I have even put in a letter to him? How could I convince him that I was still the person I was before, that I was building a form of independence back? He was becoming a man, whilst I was pushed into leaving my childhood…I still clung to it like a lifeline at times. I was angry to hear he had left me without saying goodbye, and I was bitter because the decision was made without consulting me…and I was sad because I might never see him again and I really had no right to be angry, upset, perhaps, but not angry.

"I've been looking after Abaccus whenever I can." Edward said, bringing me out of my thoughts. I was glad to hear it. We had arrived at the pen and I saw my old friend galloping towards us. He was larger than I remembered, and shiner…he looked _happy_.

"Thank you." I smiled genuinely, but it didn't reach my eyes. "Have you been riding him often?" I asked.

"Jasper left very clear instructions." Edward nodded. "He loves going over the moors." Edward told me, climbing over the fence.

"I can imagine." I said, ignoring the comment about Jasper. I would think more of him later. For now, it was all about another friend.

Edward jumped Abaccus over the fence, and I felt a pang of pain thinking of where attempting that had landed me. It was inevitable, to feel negative feelings towards seeing someone ride him again, to do what I never could…but I had _never_ blamed Abaccus for one minute – not even in the darkness that threatened to swallow my soul.

Edward slid from the saddle and bought Abaccus over to me. I grinned when he nuzzled my face and headed straight to my pocket.

"I know what you want." I chuckled, holding up an apple for him to be getting on with. He hadn't _really_ done anything to warrant it, other than be himself…that was a gift to me whatever way I looked at it.

I spent hours sitting with Edward and Abaccus, talking about his progress and how he was getting on. Apparently, my father was adamant that the horse be well looked-after and preserved. Honestly, I had been worried that my father would order Abaccus killed because of what happened…but he had done the exact opposite. My heart swelled at the thought that my father understood my friendship with Abaccus. Edward was supportive of all I wanted to achieve, I found out through our conversation. He was as sweet as he had ever been, and I never asked him why he hadn't come to see me…it would have ruined our reunion. What was important now was the future and the life I was _living_, not the one I was _going to_ live.

**Okay, so I'm really hoping these get updating as quickly as possible...that's what you get for trying to take it too quickly, I guess! Thanks for being patient with me, I really appreciate it. I'm actually avoiding my university work doing this...so...you'd better all be grateful! **

**Let me know if this is working, and let me know what you think. I really liked this scene, it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. If you want to know what music I wrote this entire story to, it's the "MUSIC FOR WRITING ||Attack of the Music" trilogy, it's truly amazing and really makes you feel things. **

**Anyway, I'd better get back to fixing these chapters as I have over 20 to fix! **


	18. Chapter 18

I made it a weekly thing, to go and see Abaccus. A few times, I had to make my way up there on my own. It was always arduous and I would never be able to stay for long, but I never let it stop me.

Eventually though, it came to pass that Edward had given up travelling with my father, as he had settled down with Alice, the maid who had helped me find Abaccus with him in the beginning. I was happy for them, remembering how they had met because of me. _No, because of Abaccus._ As well as Edward taking on the duty of helping me see Abaccus every week, I saw them often, and even travelled to their home for tea one afternoon in the early stages of their marriage. Edward insisted that he didn't mind sparing the time he did for me, and I would forever be grateful in a way I could never repay him.

I was glad to see that they both had found happiness in one another and that Edward could work and be close to his family.

Over the years, my thoughts of Jasper waned. He was living the life of a soldier and I the life of a Lady of the Manor. I had grown into a woman without even fully noticing it. I had finished my education, but never stopped reading for the joy of it – when you couldn't do much, what you could do became a true passion. At first I had missed him, then I had remembered him, and then he had become a boy I had _used_ to know. I rarely thought of him anymore.

Edward and Alice had their first child, a little girl called Renee. I felt a swell of love for them both to realise they had named her after my mother. My mother had saved Alice from starvation by hiring her, and had helped her protect her family during a cold winter. Edward had known her personally a few years before she died, and they had cared for her deeply. Their connection to me being the finishing touch, they said that they couldn't think of a name more fitting…providing they got my permission.

**I know this is a littl one, but I wanted to just set you up on how her life is changing, despite everything. Next, we have a really long and cute scene complete with a youtube link to the song. Don't let me down, guys, you know I like you listening to ambiance when I work so hard! R&amp;R**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: I know I'm a pain in the neck for this, but you'll thank me. The song is here, get it ready for the right moment...it's a heart-string tearer. watch?v=AWoPsyY8CZY**

"Knock, knock." I said softly as I tapped my knuckles on the door to the Masen's kitchen. I was careful to keep the sounds to a minimum, as the baby had not been sleeping well the past few nights and Alice relished the time she did actually sleep.

"Bella." Alice greeted me with a smile, whispering slightly. I nodded in understanding and wheeled myself out of the doorway, back into the hallway that I had come through. "Did Edward let you in?"

"Oh his way out, yes." I told her.

"Rude of him not to help you in." Alice raised her brow. I certainly did not want to be Edward when he returned home from work.

"Do you honestly believe I would have accepted his help? You had a ramp built for me, Alice." I sighed, rolling my eyes. The humour was there in the conversation and Alice couldn't fight the curling of her lips forever.

"Alright, I won't leave him this time…I _suppose_." She jested, walking around my chair and grabbing the handles. She began to wheel me into their small, yet homely living area. Alice certainly knew how to decorate.

"As though you would even consider it." I retorted, lifting the basket from my lap and holding it in the air. "I come bearing gifts." I told her.

She situated me next to her armchair, taking her own seat once I had applied my break. The uneven floorboards – that looked fantastic, but weren't ideal for wheels – would have rocked me otherwise. _Tried it. Made me nauseous._

Alice looked as though she wanted to refuse, but I thrust it at her.

"You cannot deny a cripple, it's unethical." I chuckled. Alice looked at me in scolding – as she always did when I referred to myself like that – but lifted the lid.

I had long since recovered from words like that being associated with me, it was a fact of nature that some human beings couldn't accept everyone and I had come to terms with that. I used humour in the face of prejudice, but it didn't always sit well with the Masen's…or Mrs Lovett for that matter.

I watched Alice's eyes bug out of her head and then she slammed the lid shut.

"_You didn't_." She gasped, her tone flat as she stared me down. I couldn't help my grin.

"It's the real deal." I told her.

She lifted the lid, then slammed it, then lifted it again before reaching her hand inside and pulling out a jar of jam, a pot of coffee and a block of butter. I thought she might faint when she unscrewed the lid of the jam and placed a blob on her tongue. She did go cross-eyed, though. I laughed.

"This is unreal." She gasped. "How did you get this? Moreover, why are you giving it to _me_?" She questioned, her brow furrowing.

The War had been hard on the land, and the trading business. Yankee troops had blocked imports to the South, meaning that sugar was more precious than gold at the moment. The amount of sugar it took to make jam, Alice had knowledge of. Coffee, too, was much the same. People had attempted alternatives by boiling beans, potatoes and other root vegetables, but nothing compared to real coffee beans. As for the butter, the price had skyrocketed since the dairy cows were now being used to feed the troops in certain areas. Merchants, who knew the trade and knew that the amount of suppliers was diminishing by the day, embraced the opportunity to make money whilst they could. It had been nearly a year of living like this and people like Alice and Edward – not poor, but could forsake luxuries to save money for a rainy day – had very little access to such items.

"Since father _owns_ a sugar plantation, he bought some of the fruits of the harvest back with him." I shrugged, as though it were nothing. "As for the coffee, we had extra delivered by mistake and I know you don't get much in the way of luxuries in your rations…" I trailed off, tilting my head side to side in consideration. I didn't want her to be offended by my observations.

I knew that it wasn't exactly _legal_, but in a time so void of simple pleasures, it seemed neither here nor there. People who once called each other 'brother' were killing each other now; a pot of coffee seemed insignificant where evil was considered.

"Isabella Swan, you have to be one of the oddest people I know." She said. I was a little thrown by that statement. My confusion must have shown, for she went on to explain. "Who _gives_ some of the little they have to another and then braces for them to be scolded?" She shook her head in disbelief. "You are one of a kind." She chuckled. I smiled.

Despite Alice being a little older than I, we formed into friends as I had aged. Where she had originally been there to care for me, now we cared for one another. I liked the transition, of being equal to her in a social setting at least, and I was sure she felt the same way.

"Would you like some?" She asked excitedly, holding up the coffee.

It had been some time since I had last tasted coffee – it was saved for times when my father's business associates needed to be impressed – and I couldn't resist. She squealed slightly before heading to the kitchen to brew it. As she was gone, I considered how life had changed for her since she had her baby. She suited motherhood well, and her maternal instincts had been present since the days she had cared for me…despite only being seventeen at the time. She had yet to name the baby, but she was too beautiful to haphazardly throw around names. Today would be the first time I had seen her – I had allowed for Alice and Edward to right themselves before imposing my presence on them. Adjusting to having a baby was no small feat, and me hanging around would have stressed Alice out more than she already was originally.

I heard a ruckus in the kitchen and became concerned when I heard the baby crying. Needless to say, Alice came rushing in with the crying baby clutched in her arms.

"I dropped a cup and it woke her." She sighed, holding the small little bundle to her breast and jigging her slightly, trying to calm her. Alice stood there for a moment before I saw her eyes bug – something she did a lot recently. "I left the coffee on – it'll burn!" She panicked.

"Do you want me to make it?" I offered, reaching for my break. Alice halted me in my actions, however.

"Actually…" She trailed off, looking down at the floor. There was a pause; the only sound in the room was the baby's cries…that were actually rather loud indeed. "Could you hold her? I won't be a moment." She pleaded.

I felt uncomfortable with the idea and held my hands up, shaking my head. As beautiful as the child was, I had never felt those same mothering instincts that Alice had. I was terrified of holding her wrong, or hurting her by accident. What if she continued to cry the entire time she was in my arms? I didn't think I could cope.

"It's only for a moment." Alice repeated, begging me with her eyes. I hated when she did that, I was weak for her big brown eyes and I reluctantly nodded, holding out my arms for the baby.

Alice smiled in gratitude before coming close to me, leaning down, and slowly transitioning the baby from her arms to mine. It was an awkward affair, for I was nearly shaking with nerves, but eventually the girl lay in my arms. She still screamed as Alice rushed off to the kitchen.

I looked down at the red-faced baby, slowly turning the colour of beetroot as she continued to wail at me. I felt uncomfortable and tried to rock her as I had seen Alice doing. She screamed louder and I gave up with that idea.

"Hush now," I said, "I know, it wasn't fair…you were not ready to wake up." I said. Apparently empathy did not work, either. The baby continued to cry and push her hands into her face.

I readjusted her slightly, hoping my last-ditch attempt would work. I had seen mothers coo and sing to their babies when they cried. This baby did not seem to want anything, but had simply been frightened by the loud noise. I held her close to me and pulled her hand away from her face as I began to sing quietly. It was a lullaby my mother had sung to me whenever I had had nightmares as a young child.

"Hush-a-bye…don't you cry. Go to sleep, my little baby. When you wake, you shall have all the pretty little horses." I sang softly over her cries. "Dapples and greys, pintos and bays, all the pretty little horses…" As I continued to sing, her cries lessened. She would still groan, but seemed to be listening to the sound of my voice. "Way down yonder, in the meadow, poor little baby crying mama. Birds and the butterflies flutter round her eyes, poor little baby crying mama."

My voice seemed to have entranced her, she looked up at me with her big brown eyes – just like her mother's – and put her hand in her mouth. I smiled as I sang, pulling her hand from her mouth. She wrapped her tiny hand around my finger. I nearly gasped at the contact, but I didn't want to startle her again – especially since she had only just stopped crying. She was so tiny in my arms, and seemed so fragile, that I held her a little closer and wiped the wet tears from her cheeks.

"Hush-a-bye, don't you cry. Go to sleep, my little baby. When you wake, you shall have all the pretty little horses. Dapples and greys, pintos and bays…all the pretty little horses." I sang, my voice getting softer.

I was not sure why I kept singing, perhaps it was because I liked the way she looked at me when I did. She had stopped crying and her eyes began to droop again, settling into the idea of going back to her broken slumber. As she did so, I hummed the tune to her, her eyes fluttering before finally closing. I watched her, rocking side to side as I continued to hum for an immeasurable amount of time. No, I had never felt maternal on my own, but in that moment I could have stayed forever.

I was not sure when Alice returned to the room, but I jumped slightly when she placed the cup on the table. The sound was so stark in comparison to my humming, and the baby's soft breathing, that it snapped me right out of my daze. When I looked to Alice, she was smiling at me in a way I had never been smiled at before. I smiled back.

"She's beautiful." I said softly, looking down at her to savour the way she looked, and how she smelled – everything about her drew me in.

"A little miracle and menace all rolled into one." Alice said, cradling her cup in her hands as she sipped at the hot coffee. "You're good with her." She added after a moment's pause; she said it so quietly, I almost didn't hear her.

When I looked up, Alice was looking at me with a slightly sad expression. I didn't understand it at the time.

"It would be a first; I've never had an affinity for children." I told her, giving her an awkward smile.

"She liked your lullaby."

"Sent her to sleep, more like." I added a bit of humour to the conversation to lighten it, but Alice kept us intense.

"She would not fall asleep in the arms of someone she didn't love and trust." She said, shaking her head and letting a small smile cross her face. "Do you think babies can judge character?" She asked.

"I don't know." I admitted, running my finger over her soft cheek, astonished by the silkiness of it. "Do you think she would like mine?" I questioned, furrowing my brow.

"See for yourself. You'll know her long enough to ask her one day." Alice said. I had not expected such sweet words from the girl who had met me through working for my father…but it seemed fitting that I get to choose my friends from any setting.

I hoped that I knew Edward and Alice long enough to see their child grow up. I hoped that I would be able to spend my days as I was now – visiting them and being involved in their perfect little family. It warned my heart to see the people I cared about finding happiness.

Alice and I stayed in companionable silence for a long while as I held her baby. I hadn't realised that she had been building herself up to ask me a question, but when she did, I nearly cried.

"I want to call her Renee...after your mother." She said out of the blue. My head snapped up to look at her, to see if she really meant what she was saying. "I'd like to ask your permission to do so." She said, lowering her eyes from mine for a moment. My quick movements must have given her the wrong impression.

My heart beat like a drum at the thought of this bundle of happiness being named after my mother. I smiled down at the baby and then to Alice…she was still looking into her coffee cup.

"I'd be honoured." I answered.

Truly, I was. How had I come to find such friends?

How lucky did one individual get to be before sadness happened?


	20. Chapter 20

My father had heard of the news and sent his congratulations to Edward and Alice, and even invited them to several social gatherings to introduce them to his business associates. Thanks to this kindness, Edward no longer worked in the stables, but kept his employment with my father as the family accountant. Though Edward wasn't the best writer, he had an affinity for numbers and it had really bought his family up in the world. I couldn't have been prouder…he didn't need my help, he had done it all on his own. I could see a lot of my father in Edward, and I knew that was why I felt such a connection to him even as a child. Our friendship had withstood the years, and eventually he had come to join me in '_my world',_ as he so often called it.

However, Edward would still always make sure that I got up to Abaccus's pen each week and would spend the day with me. We had extended the pen so that Abaccus could run freely to his heart's content, as no one really had time to ride him anymore. However, he didn't seem to mind so long as he could wear his saddle. I smiled every time I watched him jump and play in the field…it seemed like he was very happy. That was all I could have hoped for my old friend.

Not forgetting my own happiness, though. Despite my ailment, I had not lived a second-rate life to this date. I had travelled with my father, and seen the world that I had only dreamed about. Times got hard the longer the War went on, and the trips began to get dangerous, so I was not allowed to go anymore. Despite this, however, I took to writing. I had seen enough of the world to get started, and the rest I could research.

I loved to write about the adventures of Renee. My character was a mix between Edward's beautiful daughter and my own mother…she was brave, loyal, but also kind, selfless and childlike. I felt like I lived _through_ my stories, lived a life I could scarcely imagine. Renee had seen the world, fallen in love many times and had many adventures and experiences…each time, she would have an equal amount of happiness and travesty. In my latest book, she was discovering the new world, interacting with the natives and learning their ways. My years of researching – simply for fun – certainly came in handy.

Yes, I had lived a very fulfilled life, despite everything, and I found myself wanting for nothing. I had my father, my friends, Abaccus and my own form of independence.

What more could I ask for?

As I put my pencil and paper down and looked out of the window at the sunny summer's day, my thoughts drifted through my once loved hobby…_painting_. As a child, I had painted regularly, and the artwork that featured my father and Abaccus still hung on my bedroom wall. As I had aged, though, and gained more responsibilities in my life, I had left my love of colours behind.

With that thought, I looked over to the drawer that held all of my paints, and brushes, and canvases, and I wheeled myself over to them slowly, my pencil and pad still in my lap.

Pulling it open, gently, I spotted the dusty box of Italian paints that my father had bought for my when I was a child. I smiled, seeing my initials haphazardly scratched into the top.

_B. S. _

I chuckled, placing my fingers lightly over my lips to hide my smile at the connotations of such initials. I still retained a child's sense of humour, no matter how many years I lived. Maturity was measured in different ways by different people – no one I interacted with seemed to condemn me for my childish humour, for I could also keep up with the satire of my father's businessmen when the time called.

Picking them out, along with a canvas, I placed them on my lap and rolled towards the door. Today, I would do what I had only managed a handful of times. I would go to Abaccus's pen on my own.

Ringing the bell that was situated in my room, one of the more muscular workingmen arrived at the doorway. I had different bells for different needs. It was rather embarrassing pressing the wrong one when you needed someone to help you _relieve_ yourself. I flushed at the embarrassing memory each time.

"I would like to go outside, if you wouldn't mind." I asked politely.

"Of course, Miss Swan." He said, nodding his head as he got behind me and pushed me down the corridors. I was jolted, as usual, as I was helped down the steps, but I simply refused to have a bedroom downstairs in my family home…I would live as anyone else did. "Will there be anythin' else, Miss Swan?" The workman asked.

"A bag of apples, if you could." He obliged without hesitation.


	21. Chapter 21

Over the years, my wheelchair had created a few paths over the lands and it made it a lot easier than _off-roading_ on grass. I followed the path Edward would take me up every week, and it was certainly a struggle, but I managed to get much further before I began to tire. Over the years, my muscles had build well in my arms and I could go much further, and faster, that I had originally hoped.

In the last few metres, it was difficult, but I eventually reached the warn-out part of grass that Edward usually placed me in. Wiping the sheen of sweat from my brow, I placed the canvas on my lap and removed my paints from their box. I couldn't help running my fingers over the carved letters again. Smiling to myself, I began working.

Abaccus was grazing in the pen, which now had a gate built into it, and I took him as my inspiration, as I had as a child. He didn't come to me, which I liked. He was always best to paint when he was natural, unassuming of the world around him. I drew his long legs and his strong body, making sure to keep his markings clearly visible as I worked. I hummed as I worked. It was a tuneless noise, but it seemed to compliment my brush strokes.

The amount of time I painted, I wasn't sure, but the sun was still high in the sky when I finished…looking at it, I felt a swell of pride that I had not lost the knack for colours.

Setting it down beside me, on the grass, I sat back in my chair to enjoy the warmth of the sun for a moment. I was very rarely alone these days, what with Mrs Cove ensuring that I had a chaperone at all times. Not that it mattered much; I was not what anyone would call marriage material. I had my own mind, and I was highly educated; that alone would drive many a man off…and it had, despite my father's best efforts.

Be that as it may, I saw no sense in pursuing a love that didn't exist. In my books, the men were handsome and strong, yes, but they were also kind and sweet…they would give their last mouthful of food to anyone in need. They would lay down their life for their country, for their friends and their family…for their lady. I smiled at the thought of such a love, it did not exist, and that was why I would not marry.

Eventually, yes, my father would probably lose his temper. I was already twenty with no children, not even a husband…I was beginning to lose my prime and it wasn't appropriate. I couldn't have cared less; the world I lived in was _mine_ and it took me as I was. As usual, I was in a world of my own when I felt someone nuzzle in my pocket and then I heard the _crunching_ of _munching_.

I chuckled as I opened my eyes, seeing Abaccus's wide, beautiful eyes looking at me guiltily. He lifted his nose to my face and left a lovely wet stain in my hair. I let out a laugh and gave him the attention he desired. Abaccus had remained my friend for all these years, and I didn't see a day coming where we would part ways for good. He was a solid anchor for me, the only constant in an ever-changing world. God knows I needed it, what with the War going on.

The War had taken its toll on everyone. Where the original few years had been less physical – more of a _political_ battle and hushed arguments – it had evolved into something more just before Renee was born. I furrowed my brow thinking of all that had changed…of all the people who had been drafted. _So_ _many_ men had left for the War, thankfully I had not personally known anyone that perished, but the list of fatalities always drew my attention in the newspapers. The rationing really was neither here nor there when what we had was sent to those _defending_ us at home. In an ideal world, there would be no war, and no brother's fighting brother's, but this world was _twisted_ and _dark_ in places…I had known that for some time now.

Sighing, I turned my attention to Abaccus.

"So, you've finally noticed me, have you?" I said, pulling on his reigns to hold him close to me as I stroked his face as I thought. He seemed rather content with my affection and didn't seem to mind.

I often talked to Abaccus about what was going on in my mind, and sometimes it felt like he was speaking back to me…though I knew it to be an absurd notion. He seemed to be the only one, beside Alice and Edward, who I could really talk to and felt like I was being listened to at the same time. Renee was too young to understand the issues I had in my life, they were adult…and Abaccus was that now. At seven years old, he was the perfect stallion and would often bother the mares in the stables, should Edward ride him around the grounds.

"Do you wish to find _love_?" I asked him, letting go of the reigns. He stayed where he was, though, enjoying the feel of my hands on his face. "Would you say it exists? The kind people write about?" I asked him.

Did we ever really find love, or did it find us? Sure, there was the rare love that Edward and Alice shared…and they had their fairytale happily ever after playing out right in front of me. I watched it with a proud, yet heavy, heart. Though I would never speak of it to anyone. Edward would do anything for Alice, and I could see the devotion she had for him. It was their love that reassured my faith in the world and its people.

An immeasurable amount of time passed where I talked to Abaccus, and it jolted me slightly when he pulled away and whinnied. I chuckled at myself, clutching my chest where my heart was pounding.

"You _scared_ me." I told him, shaking my head. "No more apples for you, the sugar must be getting to you." I sighed, looking down at my painting of him. It was fully dried now and I was probably better off heading back soon, as travelling under my own steam was somewhat slower than being pushed…it helped that it was a slight decline, though.

Loading up my lap, I turned my chair – with a little difficulty – to face the house again. I couldn't see it, but I knew where I was going…I knew these fields like the back of my hand. As I turned, however, I spotted Abaccus walking down the road. I shook my head, where was he going? _Naughty horse._

I lifted my fingers to my mouth, despite the paint on them, and whistled to him. He didn't come back, though, and I furrowed my brow. _Strange_. Abaccus rarely ignored me anymore and it confused me that he did so now...there were no distractions about the field today.

"Abaccus!" I called him, clicking my tongue and clapping my hands. Once again, he ignored me. "_Silly beast_." I muttered under my breath as I rolled my eyes, gripping the wheels with each of my hands and pushing myself forwards. He had disappeared over the hill now, and it made me uncomfortable. _You are in big trouble, Mr._

As I rolled, however, he came into view and I spotted someone standing with him, holding the reigns. I let out a sigh of relief and picked up the pace, calling out.

"Thank you, I apologise…he wouldn't come when called!" I said, raising my voice so that the gentleman could hear me. It was difficult, considering I was slightly out of breath from pushing the chair as fast as I had. I couldn't see his top half, but he looked to be wearing military boots and trousers.

_Strange…why would an Officer be here?_

**WHO COULD IT BE? Emmett, perhaps? **


	22. Chapter 22

As I reached Abaccus, the gentleman still wasn't in view and I strained to see him. Regardless, I made the pleasant apologies.

"I'm sorry, he's _usually_ not so badly behaved." I said, eyeing Abaccus knowingly as I shook my head. He knew he was in trouble as soon as we were away from company. I may not have been his mother, but I could sure act like it when he endangered himself like he did.

"That's quite alright, Ma'am." Came a deep voice with a thick Southern accent. I hadn't heard one of those in a long while. It was very old fashioned.

Edward had his accent, but even his wasn't that thick. Me, myself, I had a slight twang but had been placed in elocution lessons from an early age.

I wondered to myself what this man was doing on the Swan Estate, not in an obtrusive way, but it was quite far into our owned land and very few people came out this far. It was open to everyone so long as no harvests were planted, my father made that quite well known, but most people stayed on the outskirts or the moors. Apparently, my question didn't need to be asked as he stepped around Abaccus and gave me a dazzling smile, his blonde hair playing in the wind underneath his Major's hat.

"Major Jasper Whitlock." He introduced himself, removing his hat from his head and holding it at his chest as he walked towards me. Where this gesture had once been mocking towards me, this was now the expected etiquette between us.

I was frozen in time. Everything seemed slow motion as I took in the boy – who was no longer a boy – from my childhood, the one I had almost forgotten. His shoulders were wide and strong, adorned with several medals and placements that I assumed made him high-ranking, even within the title of '_Major'_. I was shocked to hear him address himself as '_Major'_ at only twenty-two, and I knew I must have looked a sight. I had been sweating from my travels, covered in paint and mouth gaping like a fish out of water. He looked the image of a decorated soldier, with features of the boy I used to know, but a rugged handsomeness had settled upon him…and he cleaned up well. However, I felt myself missing the dirty face and grubby fingernails that I thought of when Jasper occasionally drifted into my mind, which were now hidden under white gloves.

A wave of history washed over me. I had not seen Jasper in over seven years…he had changed so much. Gone was the boy I knew, and here stood a man of honour and glory, decorated to tell me so.

With this wave of history, I felt a pang of hurt looking at him. He was all that I could never have expected of him, he had come so far…and I sat in a wheelchair looking like I'd been dragged through a bush backwards. With this, I was also reminded of how he had left, and how he had thought of me when he did so. Edward had never told me outright, but it went without saying. I felt anger surge within me, despite having previously accepted that other people had prejudices and that was their problem. The more silence that dragged out between us, the more pity I saw in his eyes and I looked down at my lap, covering my anger. Rage was not a ladylike emotion to display.

"Pleasure." I said. Ensuring that everything was on my lap properly, I began to roll myself away. "If you'll excuse me." I said, rolling past him.

A pristine white, gloved hand landed on my shoulder gently, but enough to stop me moving.

"Bells, please…" He murmured.

The façade of meeting me for the first time was over now…I noticed things in the way he said those two words that reminded me of the boy I once knew. I looked at his hand on my shoulder and then down at my lap again. I had a lot to think about, and it was all running through my mind as I felt that warm hand on my shoulder. He waited for me to think; he waited for my response that which I waited a little longer than was polite to grace him with.

Placing my hand over his gloved one, shocking him slightly, I kept looking into my lap.

"It's been a long time." I murmured.

"Not too long, I hope?" He questioned, walking in front of me to catch my attention. I eventually looked up and him and weighed out his question.

Had it been too long? Too long for what? The amount of time we had been apart, a lot had changed, on his end as well…but it was never about how long he was gone, it was about how he had left. Why was he here? Was the War over? There were too many questions. It was a lot more complicated now than two naïve children making friends they shouldn't have…but the last encounter I had with him, he had saved my life. I owed him at least one conversation to explain himself, if nothing else.

"That's the question. How long is too long?" I replied, looking into his eyes.

They were as blue and as deep as the ocean – something I had always admired about him. At one point in my life, I believed that I could see straight to Jasper's soul through his eyes – I had never seen anything I disliked about his soul, not in the entire summer of which we had spent nearly every day together. I felt a sad smile creep onto my face as I looked at sadness, many more emotions, and me in his eyes. The one thing I didn't notice there however was pity. I felt a swell of gratitude for that, if for nothing else about him.

I knew that it would be hard to let go of all of the feelings – the negative feelings – I had towards my former friend for the way he had left, and not telling me himself what he thought when he found out about my legs. He had been a coward and avoided me until he joined the military, and I could feel residual hurt over that bubbling in my chest. I had trusted Jasper as my friend and hoped that he had entrusted the same with me; what had happened is he disappeared from my life without a single letter to show for it…for all of those hours spend laughing and playing as children.

"Seven years and a day is too long." He replied, crouching down besides my chair. "It's only been seven years." He told me with a small smile, squinting against the sun, and his hat still in his other hand.

I couldn't help but let out a small laugh as I let go of his hand. I turned from his face to the land out in front of me. Seven years was a long time to remain away, but it was also a long time to remain bitter over a decision a child made. Jasper was a man now, and that man had chosen to speak to me in this moment.

"A lot has changed." I told him. I didn't specifically mean the way I had changed, but the world had changed. Could two people, like us, find a place to be friends once again?

"Situations change, people don't." He said, resituating himself so that he was comfortable. "I'd hope you felt that way, too?" He said, phrasing it as a question.

I thought for a while before looking back at him. Had I changed as a person? I was a lot more stubborn, I knew that for sure…but then, Jasper had been on the receiving end of a lot of my stubbornness, he would hardly see a difference. I smiled at the thought of the boy who laughed at me when I fell over, and now the man crouched beside me asking me if it was too much to ask for that same friendship again. Was it? Could I forgive him for leaving me without a word? It had been hard without Jasper, but the rational side of me reasoned that we would have distanced anyway. Would we have had this chance if he had of stayed or would we have distanced into nothing before we had chance?

**How are we all feeling so far? Let me know!**


	23. Chapter 23

We were sat under the tree in Abaccus's pen, in the shade, to escape the midday heat. Jasper had helped me out of my chair and leaned me against the trunk and sat beside me. He had been worried about offering help, but I told him that help was how I got things done nowadays. Sometimes you had to be weak in some aspects to be strong in others, he seemed to understand.

"Why didn't you say goodbye, Jasper?" I asked. We had been silent from the moment he sat down, thinking of what to say to one another. It was difficult, starting again without clearing the air. I had decided that the conversation needed to happen, we needed to have it in order to move past it if possible. That one question had been running through my mind like crazy, I simply had to ask.

He looked down at the floor, picking at some of the grass beneath him as he considered his answer. I took the fact that he didn't answer immediately as it being difficult for him…anyone could be a liar, but telling the truth took guts.

"I was scared." He admitted after a pause. "I was scared that I'd lose you." He said, looking out at Abaccus playing in the field. We had sat like this what felt like a million times before, but this time it felt different, and not just because I couldn't get up by my own means. Thankfully, I could at least hold myself up. No, it was different because we were now aware of life, we weren't those naïve little children anymore and it seemed to make everything more complicated.

"So leaving me was your answer?" I asked, raising my eyebrow. I knew that my temper wasn't helping, but he had hurt me deeply.

"I was a kid." He shrugged, sighing. Eventually, he came out with the cold, hard facts. "I figured that if I wasn't here to see you die, I could keep you alive in ignorance." He admitted, rubbing his hand across his face.

"Me surviving didn't feature in your thoughts?" I questioned, angry. However, it was wavering…I could see how hard it was for him to tell me this, as the first conversation we had after not seeing each other since childhood.

"_Life_ and _living_ are two different things, Bells. I din't think ya' were gonna' be like this. No one thought..." He said. I felt the sting of his words, but it was the truth. It was what Edward had not told me all those years ago for fear of hurting me and knocking what little confidence I had build up after crawling out of the darkness. Not many people had recovered from such injuries like me, my legs may not work but I kept going; it wasn't the same for everyone.

"And when I finally found out, it was too late fer' me to come back." He told me, finally looking into my eyes. "It was hard to come back today, but I couldn't stay away anymore. Not knowing how you were doin' was killin' me." I heard his words, but I just had more and more questions. I felt them pouring from me like a waterfall.

"Why didn't you write to me?" I asked, my anger all but fizzled out at his admission. Jasper had never been a particularly emotional person, and I could see him struggling to put his thoughts and feelings into words.

"You know I can't." He said in a small voice. I could almost feel the shame rolling off of him in waves. Apparently, he had no need to read or write as a Major, he probably had people to do that for him.

I felt like there was another reason behind him not writing to me, but I kept quiet on the subject.

Jasper and I spent a long time talking to one another, catching up. As it turned out, he had been promoted almost instantly, all without seeing any real battle. It comforted me to know that he hadn't been in harms way, even if I was still mad at him. The air was clearing between us and I found myself laughing as I had used to with him. He asked after Edward and Alice, and how they were doing. Apparently, he hadn't been in contact with them much outside of his brother's letters. I was glad that he had at least one friend in the army.

He had made a few friends, including his right-hand-man, Peter, in the army. His wife, Charlotte, was expecting, and it was hard for him to be away all of the time, but they sent letter and photographs of their journey's to each other. I felt a pang of regret for him not being able to have contact with his loved ones like those around him.

"How long are you back for?" I asked him.

"It's just a furlough leave, expected to last the summer…so, a month is my limit. I can't be away too long at a time." He said, furrowing his brow. I could see the regret there as sadness crossed my face.

I reached over to my chair and picked out the book I had bought in case I wanted to spend a little more time out in the fields. I had a better use for it. Throwing it into Jasper's confused lap, he gave me an incredulous look.

He was reluctant at first, seeing it as beneath him to accept help…well, beneath his pride, anyway. He would only listen to what I said at first, and then he would begin to glance at the pages as the story unfolded. Eventually, he was reading along with me.

Jasper wasn't the worst at reading that I had come across, and he was picking it up quickly…he knew the basics and just needed help sounding out a few of the words. His thick Southern accent made me laugh when he said some of the French words and we were laughing together when I had to say them properly for him. However, it had gone past patronising and he seemed to be enjoying himself.

I knew the questions were coming, and it was only fair that I answer some of his in the way he had answered mine. He sat forwards slightly as he readied himself for a possibly backlash and I bit my lip.

"How can you be so…like this?" He asked.

I knew what he was asking. He was asking how could I possibly be in such high spirits with the stigma attached to being disabled. How could I be as I was when I had enjoyed running, and walking, and riding horses so much? I wasn't offended by how he had asked, Jasper was never one to have a way with words – he said what he meant, asked what he wanted to know, the frills and icing be damned.

"I wasn't always like this." I admitted, nodding to the thoughts I knew were running around his head. "I hated myself for a long time, I hated what I'd done to myself and what of my future I had crushed because of one stupid mistake." I sighed, I could hear the sadness in my own voice and Jasper placed his hand on mine. I jumped slightly, but I allowed the contact…I enjoyed the comfort from him. "It was a dark place, but without it I wouldn't see the world as I do today." I told him, a smile playing on my lips as I thought about how determined I had been to get myself around and _do_ so many things. "I've done so much with my life, things I wouldn't have dreamed of…because of what happened." I said, speaking carefully. "I am not defined by this, I am not my disability…it just helped me find who I was in a way I couldn't have before." I said, furrowing my brow. "I suppose that makes little sense, doesn't it?" I laughed once, looking down at my lap. There was a long silence before either of us said anything.

"For what it's worth…I like who you are." He said, shrugging to bring the sentimentality of it down but it didn't make it any less sweet. A real smile graced my lips. "Before, you were kind of _whiney_…and _annoying_…" He said, listing each thing on his fingers. I let out a laugh and shoved his shoulder, he laughed with me.

We sat for a little while longer, talking of what things I had seen that I mentioned, and what it was like for Jasper in the military. It was like no conversation we had ever had before, yet still the same as we had always enjoyed. I suppose that makes little sense, but then…none of this really made sense.

"It's been a long day, come on." Jasper said, standing up and offering me his hand. A part of me wanted to be smile that he had forgotten about my legs, but another part of me was on the more pessimistic side. Perhaps Jasper had only been enjoying my company having forgotten my ailment.

It had been years since I felt self-loathing for what happened to me, but I never hated Jasper for it; it was my own fault that I had tried to jump Abaccus before he was ready. I looked down at the spot where it had happened, away from Jasper's hand and I saw the recognition in his body language.

Without warning, he pulled on my hand and I was thrust into the air, into his chest. I flushed when I realised that he had put his hand around my waist…we must have looked like a scene from a romance novel; an Officer and the Master's daughter under a blossom tree. The thought tickled me and he smiled back, gently lifting me bridal style and carrying me over to my chair.

"Thank you." I said. Those two little words held a lot more than a simple feeling of gratitude for his help getting me into the chair. I had forgotten my anger, and my bitterness, and I had my friend back. My chest felt warm and fuzzy whenever I looked at him and he seemed comfortable pushing my wheelchair through the grounds of the Swan Estate.

Perhaps this was a new chapter in my own life…or a reopening of a tale never finished.


	24. Chapter 24

Mrs Cove spotted us before we spotted her. She came over, flustered and without shame as she shooed Jasper away from the handles of my chair.

"Mrs Cove, what's the matter?" I asked, stopping her advancement by putting the brake on my chair. She was none too happy and her features oozed her displeasure and malice.

"Miss Swan, it is not _prudent_ for you to be out _unaccompanied _with an Officer." She said, looking Jasper up and down with disdain. I doubted that she recognised him. "You know what _they're_ like, away from their wives in the War." She hissed none too quietly.

"Mrs Cove, that's very rude." I scolded her, losing my temper. "Major Whitlock stumbled upon me by _accident_ and was making sure I got home alright." I told her, huffing. It was a white lie, and using his title was my attempt at calming her.

"My apologies, Ma'am. I did not mean to offend." Jasper spoke up, removing his hat and bending at the waist for her. "Major Whitlock, at your service." He was a vision of professionalism and I smiled at him in pride. Who knew the once scruffy, gangly stable boy I once knew would become this?

"_I'm sure_." She said, looking down her nose at him. "If you'll _excuse_ us." She said, taking the brake from my hand and moving us along. "What would your father think, seeing you out with an officer…he wants nothing but your virtue…Miss Swan…you're old enough now to know the difference…" I tuned Mrs Cove out as I watched Jasper over my shoulder. He stood, the setting sun at his back, and placed his hat back on his head, tilting it slightly to me as he watched us.

_I _am_ old enough to know the difference_. I thought to myself with a smile. Jasper certainly wasn't the boy I had once known, and I was not the child he had left behind to join the army. I held out hope for us in the near future. Perhaps there was space in my world for a friend like him.

"You will look at me when I'm talking to you, Miss Swan!" Mrs Cove caught my attention as I was wheeled into my room. I rolled my eyes and huffed, wheeling myself over to my chest of drawers and taking the painting off of my lap.

"Not if I care not what you say, Mrs Cove. I am not a child anymore." I snapped at her, slamming my paints down on the top.

"Exactly, Miss Swan. It is about time you _grew up_." She hissed, slamming the bedroom door. It didn't matter; the entire house would be able to hear our conversation at the level we were shouting. "Men like him only want one thing–"

"Men _like him_ are serving our country…_protecting_ people _like you_. Though for what reason, I can't imagine." I spat at her. I was not a cruel person, but this woman was attacking Jasper's reputation when she didn't even know him, she was insinuating a thing about me that I didn't take too kindly to.

"A boy of nothing given importance within a society of which you are not part of." She waved her hands dismissively. "Would you give yourself to someone so _unworthy_? I see the way he looks at you, like a starving dog, he is!"

"Who are you to say who is unworthy?" I demanded of her. I ignored her mentioning how Jasper looked at me, her certainly didn't look at me like that…and even if he did, what was her problem? It wasn't like I had suitors lined at the door to take my hand – she reminded me of that often.

"What does he have to offer a woman like you, Isabella?" She said, pacing across from me. I narrowed my eyes at her – this showdown had been a long time coming and I wasn't going to give up without a fight. This wasn't about Jasper anymore; this was getting personal. "He was a stable boy when you met him and he'll be a stable boy until he _dies_." She snapped. Her sharp, bird-like features contorted in disgust every time she spoke his name and I disliked her all the more for it. Who was she to look down on him? She was a _Governess_, not of a high class herself.

"Do you think I need the _riches_ of another, the _status_ of another, to be _happy_?" I argued. This had certainly gone beyond Jasper now; this was Mrs Cove's built up thoughts and opinions…opinions she had no business making known to me.

"To live the life you do now, you _do_ _need_ them!" She yelled. "Your blatant disregard for social rules is astounding, considering your level of education, you stupid girl!" She snapped. "What little you have to offer, you would _waste_ too freely for an afternoon of _delight_. You'd cut your nose off to spite your face, girl!" Her top lip curled unattractively.

Her words hurt. I knew what she was saying. I was not married yet, that was Mrs Cove's point here…as much as I'd like to say that it was because of my own personal choice, no offers had actually come through the door as of yet, figuratively speaking. Most men my age were already married, and to much younger women, starting their families steadily.

Where I could not be the lady of the house that everyone visualised, I had never seen myself lacking in my duties. What everyone seriously seemed to question was my ability to have children. Could I? Could I carry a child to full term and safely give birth? That was all a wife was for in this day and age, to these people that judged me…and no man of status would risk having no successors. I had my virtue, and that was it…Mrs Cove had made that perfectly clear.

All the work I had done seemed to melt away in that moment. I could do things that anyone else could do, except the most important thing I had ever needed to do. I was, once again, useless to someone. It didn't matter that it was Mrs Cove, or that no one but her had said it to me, they were all thinking it. Alice had given me _that look_ when I mentioned my lacking maternal manners – it was pity. Pity over the fact that _I_ couldn't have what everyone else had, the reason we were put on this earth.

"_Get out_." I said lowly, slowly, and darkly. She stood there for a second too long, looking as though she had some regret in her heart for what she said. "GET OUT!" I screamed, throwing a vase in her general direction. She left the room immediately as I began to sob, holding my head in my hands.

I could claim that the love I wanted didn't exist, but the truth was that the life everyone else took for granted was all that marriage was about…and _I_ was not of _that world_.

**WHAT A BITCH! Let me know how you're getting on, guys...you're 24 chapters in so there must be something about this story you like. I kind of wanted Mrs Cove to be the bad guy here, the person you hated as a child for being realistic and crushing your dreams...but I didn't want her soulless. She did genuinely feel remorse for how it came out, and I think it's far to say that Bella gave her a right tongue lashing for it...perhaps, she'll think before she speaks again.**


	25. Chapter 25

For days I sat in my chair, refusing to eat or sleep. Mrs Cove was promptly banned from my company, if she wanted to keep her job at the house. I had looked out at the Estate for most of the time, thinking of what a fool I had been to ignore the facts.

I had lied to myself, claimed that a _life_ was as good as _living_…Jasper had said as much himself when we had met in the field. He did not call on me, nor did I him. Edward and Alice had tried, but I turned them away. Now was not the time for company. I feared for what I might say in the heat of the moment, and none of the people trying to be with me deserved that. I felt myself slipping back into the darkness I had been talking with Jasper about only a few days prior. How easy it was to fall from the empire you had built.

I had been foolish in my heart, and I had let it go to someone who I didn't deserve. Love was a cruel thing, and loving someone who didn't deserve it was painful…but nothing was as painful as loving someone who you did not deserve. Eventually admitting it to myself was difficult, but I did indeed love Jasper. Perhaps not the kind of love I had been searching for, perhaps only the love I held for Alice and Edward…but it was a love that stayed with me and was rekindled that day in the pen.

Jasper would be the hero in my own novel, the chapters of my life, and I would rewrite the ending. We would come to discover our love for each other without hurt, and without sadness…we would court in an ideal world, and it would be accepted. I had no illusions over the fact that it certainly wasn't the world I lived in now.

But, more importantly than anything else…I would be able to give Jasper everything that he _deserved_. A military man needed successors for his land, especially a Major. It was silly to think so far ahead when I scarcely believed I loved him already, or understood in which way I loved him. I had no idea how he felt, but it seemed better this way – to deal with my heartache alone and remain his friend. He would be none the wiser of my little moment in the darkness; perhaps I would meet his wife and children one day. Perhaps, if fate were to be kind to me, he would meet…whoever was in my life eventually.

I rolled myself over to the canvas I had disregarded a few days ago, during my argument with Mrs Cove. I sighed as I picked up the paints and opened the drawer that they belonged in. What I spotted, however, caused me to stop what I was doing.

A little corner of a slightly dulling canvas was showing and I furrowed my brow. Tugging at it, I found that it was much smaller than I had anticipated and came out as a pocket-sized image that stopped me in my tracks.

**Okay, so I'm hoping I've managed to slowly start fixing things. However, after the amount of time it's taking when when I should be doing 4,000 words for my university course...if there are any typos I will not be coming back to fix them! I am done with Abaccus, this story is going to send me loopy!**

**But, please, let me know what you think and whether this has all been worth it. I know that some of my chapters are really short...but you're getting a nearly 80,000 word story in one go, so you can't really complain about having to click the "next chapter" button quite so much. Anyway, back to work!**

It was Jasper's Christmas present…the one I had never given him. I placed my hand over my mouth as tears welled up in my eyes. I had drawn a perfect image of Jasper, as a young boy, jumping Abaccus over the fence. I smiled to myself at the youth in his face, and the joy I had presented there. It reminded me of simpler times, and that was from where my emotions came.

That was how I remembered Jasper.

He was young, carefree, and enjoying his life. This was a time when titles, and positions in society, were little more than rumours to the educated youngsters…such as myself. So much had changed since then. I ran my fingers over the cast of his face and it reaffirmed my resolve.

What did titles and position matter when someone you cared about existed in this world? We had one life; one life to experience all of the happiness in the world and it seemed silly to deny myself that. Who was I to tell myself I couldn't explore this feeling I had towards Jasper, to discover what it was that made us friends in the first place? I was my only source of encouragement, and allowing myself to be a blockade for even a second was not how I had learned to live my life.


	26. Chapter 26

The month that Jasper was back was like a dream. Since banishing Mrs Cove to the other side of the building that I was in at any one time, getting out onto the grounds was particularly easy. She had already named me redundant apart from pleasuring my future husband with my virtue…but, if that were the case, what use would he have for my heart? It had never been used for anything other than family, and friends, why not gamble it for the sake of experimentation?

Instead of Edward, Jasper would take me out to see Abaccus on a weekly basis, but I would see him far more often than that. He would wheel me around the grounds at tremendous speeds and we would laugh, sing, and enjoy our short time together. I almost felt like a child again when I was with him, and it filled me with a new fire to _live_ my life. I felt my love for this man swell and grow in my chest, not like a tumour, but like my heart needed to grow to fit all of it in. Jasper was my sunshine in the darkness. He had pulled me from the darkness that had threatened to swallow me whole. I still didn't understand my feelings, it was burning slowly, yet at times I would be dizzy and I worried about what would happen when he had to go back to the War.

"Will you write to me this time?" I asked Jasper, tilting my head to look at him.

We were lay on the grass of Abaccus's pen, enjoying the sun and picking out the shapes in the clouds. Yes, it was a childlike activity, but we didn't see the sense in coming down to reality when our little bubble was all we had ever wanted. It was as though he never left…but the thought of him leaving was never far from my mind.

He turned to face me himself, resituating his shoulders as he studied my face for my emotions.

"I can try." He said. I couldn't help but grin and he smiled back. His face always lit up when he smiled…but I imagined he didn't smile much in his profession, he had to be fierce and reliable – a leader to scared men away from their families.

"I mean it." I said, hitting his shoulder. He feigned pain and I rolled my eyes. "I don't want it to be another seven years before we see each other again." I sighed, looking down at my nails.

Jasper sat up, leaning on his elbow, and looked down at me. I looked from my nails to his face, he was looking at me rather intently and I felt a serious moment fall across us completely unannounced, yet not unwelcome.

"A day is nearly too long now, darlin'. I don't have another seven years in me." He said, his eyes soft but his words hard and forceful. I studied his face for a moment.

Jasper had changed since he was a boy. Yes, he still rarely complimented me, but it was more than it had been…and they were far more intense compliments that would make me blush yet burn with confidence shortly after. Each day I watched him look at me, and I never saw the look that Mrs Cove had accused him of…but I did see a hunger in his eyes that I couldn't place.

"Then don't leave." I said.

He sighed and sat up. I propped myself up on my arms as best I could and watched him for a moment. He seemed to be weighing something up in his mind. Was he really considering staying for me? My heart fluttered at the thought of it. Jasper had never said anything about the way he felt for me, but it seemed to go unspoken…I didn't want to push for declarations when our friendship was already so fleeting and fresh. I didn't even understand my feelings for him, and I had made a solid decision about my reputation for him – _darn it all to heck._

"A world where a man don't have to work." He said, shaking his head as he laughed slightly, leaning back to lie on his elbows and look across the field. "What world do you live in, Miss Swan?"

I chuckled as I repositioned myself on the hill we were on, so that I was beginning to roll. Too quickly for Jasper to catch me, I descended down the slope, the world spinning around me. A blur of colours swirled around me and I laughed at the wonder and magic of it all – seeing the same world from a new perspective could change the way you thought about life.

"A dream world, Major Whitlock! You should join me, sometime!" I called out to him.

As I reached the bottom of the hill, and the end of my journey, I noticed that my hair had been messed up and was falling out of its bun, but I paid no mind to it. Jasper was rolling towards me and showed no signs of stopping. He barrelled into me, grabbing me as he went.

I let out a squeal and a laugh as we rolled over one another. He made sure to keep his weight off me whilst he flew over me. We eventually came to a stop, our rolls slowing until he was above me once more, his hand around my waist and his face inches from mine.

"What a fine world you live in, Miss Swan." He said, his breathing heavy and a wide smile on his face.

I flushed at our close proximity, but it didn't seem to phase Jasper as he looked at my face; the hand that was underneath my head reached around to remove a curl from out of my face. I watched his movements carefully, my cheeks flushed and my heart pounding. I had been close to Jasper before, hugged him even, as children, but this was different…this was a different embrace and I couldn't bring myself to break the magic he had created.

**Aww, fluff! I absolutely love the line "what a fine world you live in, Miss Swan"! Let me know what you think!**


	27. Chapter 27

"What are you doing?" I called to Jasper as he ran off ahead. He had been pushing me until now and I had become lazy with all of the help I was getting from him…it was almost a shock to the system to roll myself.

"Your dream world. What else happens in it?" He called back, setting down his jacket by Abaccus's pen and grinning at me.

"Endless summers and cake for dinner!" I yelled back, grinning. He chuckled and rolled his eyes.

"Ice cream for breakfast?"

"And no more white dresses!" I laughed, swatting at the skirt I was wearing.

I was at Jasper's side now and he wasted no time in lifting me from my chair. It had become common practice now, for Jasper to be so physically close to me. Over the past three weeks, we had spent nearly every day together and he had lifted me in and out of my chair a ridiculous amount of times…but it never seemed to wear on him, he seemed just as eager as the first time he had held me.

Jasper carried me around the fence of Abaccus's pen and sat me down on the block I had once used to mount him. I held myself steady as he called Abaccus over, clicking and whistling as he had the very first time. Unbelievably more trained than that first time, Abaccus came over immediately and greeted Jasper and I with a whinny and a raise of his head.

"Hello, boy." Jasper greeted him, stroking his neck and patting him.

"I don't understand, Jasper. We see Abaccus every day." I told him, furrowing my brow.

Jasper turned to me and grinned, walking past where I was sitting and straight to where Abaccus's saddle was. I was even more confused now. I understood that Jasper couldn't spend all of his time with me, but why would he bring me out here to watch him ride Abaccus? I wasn't a particularly selfish person, but it did dishearten me slightly to see people riding horses when I couldn't…especially when it was Abaccus.

"You're riding him." He said with a grin.

"_What?_" I squeaked. "I can't ride a horse, Jasper. I'll–"

"Hurt yourself?" He asked, looking at me. I could practically hear his quip in my head. How could I hurt myself any more than I already had? It was a phrase I often said to myself when I felt nervous about one of my ventures. It made me smile to think of how alike we were in our thoughts, yet just different enough to tantalise each other's minds.

"If I lose the ability to use my arms, I'll still find a way to strangle you, Jasper Whitlock…Major or not." I huffed angrily. However, I couldn't hide my excitement completely.

Once the saddle was on Abaccus, Jasper turned to me. I gave him a quizzical look as he bought the horse over and then put his arm around my waist. What was he doing? _I couldn't…it wouldn't work…_

"Do you trust me?" He asked me. Holding me so close to him, his hand around my waist and my feet dangling off the ground, I didn't have much choice other than to trust him…but this question was more than that without having to clarify it.

Jasper and I seemed to have a lot of those moments – saying one thing, but having connotations of a million others that we never needed to say aloud. It was a new form of communication for me and it made my heart flutter to think about.

"Completely." I said, my voice barely above a whisper with his face only inches from mine.

Jasper nodded and smiled at me before putting me in front of him, putting a hand on either side of my waist and hoisting me into the air. I let out a little squeak as he situated me, turning my body to sit side-saddle. Before I knew it, Jasper had mounted Abaccus behind me and pulled me flush against his body.

I could feel every inch of us that touched and it caused shivers to descent through my body, I was sure that I felt it in my toes, and the thought made me chuckle. As Jasper spoke, reassuring me that I would be safe with him, his chest vibrated against my back and a new feeling of…almost nausea, so much excitement and such a heavy reaction from my body caused my belly to do somersaults – it wasn't entirely unpleasant or alien after the first few times

My knuckles were white against the front of the saddle when we took off at a canter without warning. I let out a little scream, which quickly turned into laughter when I realised that I was barely moving in the saddle. Jasper was such an expert rider that he could easily navigate Abaccus _and_ hold me in place.

Though I could probably have sat on a horse, and kept myself upright, without Jasper's help, the importance in being able to use your feet to help steer, stop, and go, meant that I wouldn't be able to do much more.

Jasper had breathed new life into me the past few weeks and we spent hours just enjoying the closeness, and each other's company, walking Abaccus around the grounds. If only this man knew what a difference he had made to my life in the short time he had been back…perhaps then he would not have said his goodbyes that day.

We sat under the tree, where he had first come to dislike me as a child, and we recounted the memories of our childhood, and the things we had been through. I smiled until my cheeks hurt and I laughed until tears formed in my eyes. Sadly, though, the tears turned hot quickly and fell down my cheeks.

Without saying a word, Jasper slid his arm around my waist and pulled me close. As near as we had been to one another over the past three weeks, they were all different kinds of embraces that had meanings I was unfamiliar with…_enigmatic_ meanings. In this moment, the meaning was clear…sadness. We were in mourning of the time we had had and hiding from what was only hours away.

The only way I could describe it was the feeling you get when the night of dancing comes to a close, when the first leaves start to go brown in the autumn and it rains on the one day you had free to play outside. It was an immovable object coming towards us, and we would have to yield to it.

"You saved this until the last day." I stated, looking at Abaccus.

"I wanted to leave you with something to remember me by…" he trailed off, and I waited for what he would add to that. "_Just so you know what I can offer you_." He said in a small voice, I couldn't even be sure he said it.

I decided that now was the time to give Jasper his present…even if it was seven years late. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out the little canvas and held it in my hands for a moment. Jasper hadn't noticed, so I slipped it onto his lap and bit my thumb waiting for his reaction.

"What's this?" He asked, having not looked at it properly. I just waited a little longer as he turned it over and paused. "It's me…" He trailed off, running his fingers over the painting.

"I meant to give it to you the Christmas you left…I'd forgotten about it." I said, shaking my head as though it were nothing. "I just thought you'd appreciate finally getting it. I owed it to you." I shrugged.

"It's beautiful…" He said, looking at me with a small smile. I was disheartened by his reaction. Did he not like it? Was it creepy? _Oh God, I've never had this nervousness with Jasper before…_ "Hey." He said, catching my attention again, placing his hand under my chin so that I'd look at him. "I just don't like bein' reminded of the time I wasted away from you." He said softly. "This just reminds me of how many years I spent alone when they could have been here."

I didn't know what to do, or say, in that moment. He was right, it was wrong – in a moment so sweet – to think of how we had hurt one another in the past…but all good things come to an end and we had to accept that.

But could we?


	28. Chapter 28

Jasper kept his promise and wrote to me. It wouldn't be very often, which I couldn't blame him for, considering he was a Major in the army…but it meant a fresh excitement when a letter arrived for me. They were usually quite long, and though there were spelling mistakes and more grammatical errors than I could count, they were a little part of him that he sent home over the next few months. I would always reply within the day, and spend the next week awaiting his response.

_My Dearest Bells,_

_It feels like such a long time ago that we were sat under the tree in Abaccus's pen…but I think about it each day. The wether here is terrible and I find myself tryin to work on my spellin more than anythin. I hope it aint too bad. Anythin you can read is acceptible, in my opinyon._

_I hope this letter finds you well and that yer still going to see Abaccus each week. I have receeved word from Edward that he and Alice are ekspecting there second child. Do wish them my best, I have a limit on how many letters I can send a qwarter and I use them all for you. _

_Think of me when you read this letter, and when its over. I think of you often and hope that it is enuf to bring me home safely to you. _

_Yours, _

_Major J. Whitlock. _

_My Dear Jasper, _

_The moors are beginning to freeze over again as winter hits, but Abaccus likes the snow…I've drawn you a picture of him playing the other day, so that you feel a little closer to home. _

_I think of you every day, and wonder to myself what we would be doing if you were here. I would like to think it would be something children only dream of…and ice cream for breakfast everyday, of course. _

_Edward and Alice are indeed expecting, and I couldn't be happier to see Renee excited to meet her new little brother or sister. Edward is convinced it's going to be a boy, but only time will tell. Though, with how excited he is, I feel as though he may just call a girl Edward Jr! They told me to tell you they love and miss you, and that Renee would like to know her Uncle a little better in the time to come, when the War comes to pass._

_I also await the day you come back home, and the stories you will have to tell me. Look after yourself, for you have a piece of me with you. I will wait as long as I have to, to get it back; I just want it in one piece. _

_Yours, _

_Isabella Marie Swan. _

_My Dearest Bells,_

_As the snow passes and the grass begins to grow again, I covet the sight of Houston and the welcumin hello's of the people there. It's gettin hard down here, there ain't much food left n fights are startin left, right and centre. But, don't worry; I'm doing my damnedest to keep the peace. _

_How is Alice gettin on? Edward didn't speak 'bout her much in his last letter. Then again, I spose they are gettin ready for the baby – not long now. _

_I'm sorry that this letter is so short, we're movin out in the mornin and there aint much time for sentimentality in this war anymore. Peter got shot yesterday and I spent the night in the infurmary with him but he's doing ok now. _

_I can't promise that I will come back unharmed, my body is gatherin scars like an old boot but I'll keep that part of you safe until my dying day. _

_Yours, _

_Major J. Whitlock. _

_My Dear Jasper, _

_Edward and Alice miss you, and told me that several of the people from town have been asking after you and your health. I put them to rest today informing them of your good deeds and rank in the army. They are so very proud of you, as am I. _

_I'm sorry to hear about Peter, my thoughts are with him and his family even when he recovers. _

_The snow is gone as the spring comes, here in Houston. There's little left to tell you, as my book goes into publishing…everyone's been asking when it would come out and I've finally managed to think of an ending. Did you guess that it was happily ever after? _

_Edward has indeed been busy, as has Alice, they've seen very little of each other as they're working overtime in order to take some time off when the baby arrives. Alice is getting big now and it's frustrating her; it's ever so funny to watch. _

_I hope this letter finds you well and that you are eating properly. Wear your scars with pride, my Jasper, you are a hero to all of us back home – never forget that._

_Yours, _

_Isabella Marie Swan._

_My Dear Jasper, _

_It has been a while since your last letter and I'm beginning to worry. If my letters aren't getting through straight away, I suppose the bonus there is that you get to hear a lot from me in one sitting. _

_As summer approaches us again, it has been nearly a year since I have seen you and I am becoming increasingly more excited at the prospect to see you. You mentioned quarterly leave, but I haven't heard of your whereabouts in months, and so I will not pin all of my hopes on this coming summer, but I will be ready for your arrival nonetheless. _

_I worry for you, and sometimes it's hard to sleep at night, but I have faith that you are doing your job like any man of his word would. I'm proud of you, and everything you have achieved. _

_Forever Yours, _

_Isabella Marie Swan._

**Hey guys, I know my years of the war dont really add up...I'm English and I can't even remember anything I studied about the war. However, this IS just a fanfiction and I'd take a lot more care for the realistic side of it were it about the historical aspect...but this is about a love story. **

**What do you think? Let me know!**


	29. Chapter 29

"Any word?" I asked Edward as I arrived in his home, carrying a basket of birthing supplies for Alice that she had mentioned she needed. She hadn't asked specifically for them, but it would make everything easier for them. I often turned up at their house with things that they would need, it was just repayment for the kindness they had always shown me.

"No." Edward sighed.

I looked down at the floor as I set the basket on the table and removed the blanket from the top – fresh sheets for the birth. Alice was very fond of keeping her house the _home_ that her children would grow in – a home birth in her own bed was the only way she would do it.

"I'm sure he's fine, little Miss." Edward said. I could hear his smile. I believed that he would always call me that, even when I was old and grey…it was just what he called me – outside of professional settings, anyway. I would never want it to change between us.

"I didn't say he wasn't." I said in a little tighter of a voice than I had intended and I sighed, stopping what I was doing and laying my hands on the table. "He is a fully grown man, Edward. He doesn't need me breathing down his neck whilst he's trying to work." I said.

Jasper hadn't replied to my letters since early spring and now, in the middle of the summer, I was beginning to worry. I had sent him a few letters, telling him of what happened at home, and checked the mail every day for a letter from him…but each day I was disappointed.

I worried, daily, that he might be _gone_, but then I reasoned with myself that an M.I.A would have been sent to Jasper's parents and Edward would have told me immediately…he knew of our friendship, but perhaps not how deep it went. It wasn't really anyone else's business who I chose to be close with, who I held in my heart, but it was an understanding between him and I that there was an unbreakable bond between Jasper and I. Whether he approved, I wasn't sure, but he never voiced his opinions and for that I was glad.

It was becoming harder and harder to be away from Jasper with no contact, and I found myself thinking solely of him for hours on end when I was supposed to be sleeping. What if he never came back? It was highly likely that he could have enjoyed his summer with me and had no intentions of returning, and then sometimes I told myself to stop being such a bloody fool.

Jasper would come home. He would come back to me.

"Alright, alright." He said, putting his hands up in defeat and moving off of the topic by asking what I had bought.

"Just some things for Alice." I said, holding up the sheets. "Fresh bed sheets for after the birth, some jarred fruits to keep her sugar levels up during the first few weeks…obviously, I'll be around if you need me, but it's just nice to know she has everything she needs." I told him. After a moment, I added. "All you have to do is ask, you know."

"Thank you. I don't know what we'd do without you." He said, squeezing my shoulder. I placed my hand over his and gave him and nodded.

"You would manage, but it's the least I can do." I told him.

"Would you like to stay for dinner?" He asked, pointing over his shoulder to the broth on the stove. It smelled delicious, and I knew it would taste even better, but I had to decline.

"Unfortunately, my father is bringing back some business associates again, I'm sure you're aware…I have to be there to greet them at four." I told him.

"Of course." He nodded. "We'd better get you back then; it's nearly three now and you'll probably have to change." He said, motioning down to my everyday clothes. I never dressed badly, thanks to Mrs Cove still picking what I wore everyday – though we never came into contact – but it made no sense to wear frilly, expensive dresses when I was going to be up the fields with Edward and Abaccus or travelling to see Alice.

"Alright." I agreed, letting Edward push me out the door and down the street. They didn't live too far away from me, but it was uphill and I was always glad of the help offered by Edward when I needed it. I didn't fancy aching arms for the social meeting tonight. When it was my duty to entertain, a face of pain was never on the list of '_must'_.

Once I was home, a few of the maids helped me get changed into more appropriate dress for high-class company. It was a lavender dress that had a full skirt – fuller than I was used to – and a boat neck. It flattered what could be seen of my figure without weighing me down. Matching gloves and a fascinator accompanied the outfit and I was carried down the stairs to the reception room.

In the midst's of July, it was warm in the reception room, and several of the windows had to be opened. I noticed a breeze rolling in and closed my eyes to enjoy it. As much as I was outside now, compared to what I had been in my first few months of this life, I felt like I didn't get enough fresh air in the past few weeks due to focusing on my book.

As usual, I was the sweet daughter of Charles Swan, greeting everyone and welcoming them to our home. The usual clients were there, the one who had once spoken to me about racing greeted me with a handshake, having known me for many years now. One who I didn't recognise, however, seemed to watch me from afar after I had greeted him.

"Bella, if you could show our guests to the dining room?" My father said, motioning out the door. I smiled and nodded at him.

"Of course, Daddy." I said. "Gentlemen, this way." I said, expertly navigating myself through the corridor, into the foyer and then across into the lavish dining room that was only opened when we had important guests.

As usual, the goal was to impress the clients, and perspective business partners – new and old – with the way we could live with the work my father did. It was all very political and image was everything…I didn't like it, but it was all that my father asked of me for all of his love and acceptance of everything that had happened. I owed it to him, and my mother.

The dinner began as usual, with the starters being served and the wine flowing freely…another thing my father liked to ensure, the feeling of acceptance and slight enjoyment due to the alcoholic beverages. I would be present for the rest of the meal until I was excused for them to begin talking business with cigars and whiskey.

I sat next to the racing man, formally called Mr Godwin, and the mysterious man who had been watching me in the reception room. I kept to myself for the majority of the first course, and drank my wine heartily when I began to feel a little uncomfortable. Did I have something on my face?

"It seems Mr Rosier has taken a fancy to you." Mr Godwin said when the man who had been looking at me excused himself for a moment. "He's a kind man, Miss, you'd do well with him." He said, going back to his meal.

Mr Godwin smiled at me encouragingly and I sat back in my seat a little. I had an admirer? What a curious notion. Nonetheless, it was one of my father's business associates…

As the man came back, I took a little more notice to him, for obvious reasons. He was tall and broad, with slightly tanned skin from being abroad for half of the summer. His hair was full and he had a small amount of carefully cut facial hair that definitely suited him. He was a handsome man, and he smiled at me as he entered the room. I smiled shyly yet politely back.

I wasn't sure how to feel about being admired. My father would no doubt think it a good idea and it didn't sit right with me. The reasons behind that were my own, but thoughts of Jasper flooded my mind without warning.

As Mr Rosier sat down, he greeted me kindly.

"You look lovely." He complimented me. I smiled back, as anyone would after a compliment. What were those thoughts of Jasper in this moment? I never understood my feelings towards him – I just knew it was different to the love I felt for Edward. Even in his absence, the feelings had continued to grow within me.

"Thank you kindly, Sir." I said sweetly.

His accent was distinctly Northern, and it was strange to find a man like that in the South with the recent goings-on. It made me feel nervous. Had he abandoned the North, favouring our cause? Did he have family here? This man seemed ever more curious as the conversation progressed.

"Your father is a brilliant man, I must say." He said after a long pause and I turned my attention to him once again. I liked the fact he respected my father, and it was evident in his tone – it made me warm to him slightly. "So, he tells us that you're a writer." He said. Again, it was curious that he chose to mention something so individual, and strong, about me. Most men, I hated to admit, would first ask me what had happened to my legs.

"Yes, I write romance and adventure novels." I told him, unable to control the furrowing of my brow and the curling of my lips.

"I have read a few of them. I find Renee strongly resembles the characteristics your father shares with us about your mother. Inspiration, perhaps?" He said, fully turning his attentions to me.

I was impressed by the fact he had read my books; I hadn't met very people who had…and by the way he was looking at me, he had enjoyed them – the numbers of which were in the lesser few. I spoke with him for a while, over the second and third course, and I found he was a very literate man with an Eton education. His mother was English and his father from New York. When his father died suddenly and sadly, when he was only sixteen, he moved to South Carolina and had been there ever since. He looked to be in his early twenties, hinting at a strong allegiance to the South. I didn't think it prudent to ask about slaves in this moment in time – it was something people did not speak of in my father's presence.

"The work is plentiful and I have built myself up with what my father left me. He, too, was a brilliant man. Charles reminds me of him." He told me. I smiled at that, genuinely.

Mr Rosier was a very honest man, and very kind, he had taken in several families over his lifetime who had been struggling with money and set them on their feet as workers for him…as my mother had done for many of the staff here. He ran several plantations in South Carolina, reaffirming his reasoning for siding with the South in this War for at least one reason, but without outwardly saying it he seemed to hint that he agreed with my father.

He was charismatic and I found myself seeing a friend in this man. He made me laugh and he was quite charming when he wanted to be…without being overbearing. He had never married, due to focusing on his work from such an early age. He mentioned that he would have liked a family, but it didn't fit in with his work and I understood that.

I could hear the sadness in his voice and it pulled at my chest. I knew the feeling. He questioned my empathy and I went into my own story, mentioning the accident and what I had managed to survive. As previously said, he never actually asked me about my accident, I had chosen to tell him…which very few people were graced with. My father was overly protective of my feelings, despite not needing to be, and would always silence the conversation if he heard it. Thankfully, though, my father was busy talking to Mr Godwin.

"You're a strong woman, Miss Swan, and I admire that about you. I feel like perhaps others don't, though?" He said, tilting his head in questioning. From any other person in the room, it would seem a rude question, but Mr Rosier seemed only curious about me.

"My ailment is what people see first." I said in response, clearing my throat and taking a sip of water. The wine was getting to me a little and I was being loose with my words, yet I didn't regret sharing this with him. Even in this short night, I could see that he was different to the other men around the table. I had met few like him to date.

"_Ailment_ is the wrong word to use." He said bluntly and I looked to him in disbelief. "Well, didn't you say yourself that your writing came from a place you didn't know you had until your accident?" He questioned, quoting me almost word-for-word.

"Well, yes, but–"

"And do you think that if people pray to God for happiness, that he hits them with warm, fuzzy feelings…or does he give them the means to reach their own happiness?" He asked.

Mr Rosier's words stuck in my mind like none before had. Where most people saw my writing as something that I had done to distract from my disability, Mr Rosier saw it as a pathway to some form of _brilliance_ – his words and not mine.

I had, for the first time in years, enjoyed one of my father's business meetings and it was all thanks to Mr Rosier. I was excused from the room to retire for the evening, leaving the men to their business, yet I felt myself wanting to stay and cursed the fact that women had no place around cigars, business and whiskey.

Perhaps this summer might not be as empty of happiness as I had once thought. Mr Rosier would be staying in Houston for a few weeks, and the thought excited me; perhaps I would see him again before he left. I had it in me to almost hope for it.

**Okay, so can anyone guess who Mr Rosier is? Now, I changed his last name because it didn't really work with the times...but I trust you probably have some idea of who it might be. Now, I must add that I bear no ill-will to this person and this is purely a manipulation of fiction and I needed a guy.**


	30. Chapter 30

"Bella!" I heard my father calling from his office. Making my way through the foyer, from the reading room, I knocked on the door. "Come in." He called out to me.

As I entered, he gave me a wide smile and I returned it. I was in much higher spirits today than I had been all week and it seemed to show.

"How are you feeling, Bella?" He asked me, motioning to me in general.

"I'm well." I told him. "I was just enjoying some reading in the gallery. Yourself?" I asked. I knew that this was pleasantries and my father wanted to tell me something, but I humoured him anyway…it was only polite.

"Very well. You seem to work a charm on whoever I bring back for dinner and we're even better off now than the dip, due to the War." He said, smiling proudly at me.

"I try, Daddy."

I didn't like the games of the socialites, but I was good at them. When you were raised to please other people, the lessons had to stick and Mrs Cove was only ever proud of me when I _charmed_ the businessmen.

"Well, it seems it's natural to you. Now, I don't usually adhere to these requests, and I wouldn't ask you if I didn't think you'd agree, but Mr Rosier has asked for your company this afternoon." He said, seeming excited.

I was a little taken aback by my father's excitement, but it made me smile to see him so happy at the thought of this. That alone would have made me agree to Mr Rosier's request. As for Mr Rosier's behaviour, it was too much to assume that he wanted any more than my company on this sunny afternoon…after all, how much _guy time_ could one young man have in such a small town? We had clicked well during our brief meeting, and it was fair to assume he was feeling the same way as I was.

"I think that's a fine idea, Daddy." I said, nodding my head. "What did he have in mind?" I asked.

"Well, of course you'll be chaperoned, I'm no fool, but he would like a tour of the grounds done by you. He says you mention it in your books a lot." My father said, raising his eyebrow at me.

"An avid fan by his own admission, Daddy." I explained, smirking to myself. I was thankful for the chaperone…and I would be thankful for the company considering Edward and Alice had little time for me with their new baby on the way and Renee becoming a handful as she hit three years old.

"A man who respects your mind, Bella." He said, giving a look of consideration. "I'll send him word." My father smiled, it was small but certainly a smile, going back to his writing.

I understood my dismissal and headed outside with a metaphorical spring to my step.

Mr Rosier was punctual, dead-on two o'clock and he had arrived outside to meet me. I greeted him politely, with a smile, as did Mrs Lovett. I was glad that it was she to be my chaperone; she was always the most understanding of father's staff – apart from Alice, of course. Bear in mind, she was off work for the foreseeable future, though.

We set off, Mr Rosier pushing my chair, as Mrs Lovett stayed a little back from us to give us our privacy, enjoying her stroll out of the house. He asked me many things about the land as we walked and I told him as much as I could.

I told him where I had set all of my books and what scenes happened where, what had inspired me for the scene. He was very interested and shared his own ideas for scenes. I had to admit, he was a visual and creative person…I took some of his notes on board, even.

We walked for a while, and I found myself enjoying his company even more than the other night, away from the formal setting. He was just as funny, and held the same humour and view on life as he did away from the wine. It comforted me to know that there were people out there like him – people who could understand without experiencing, without forcing empathy.

Eventually, we reached Abaccus's pen. I hadn't realised we had gotten so far, so soon, and I smiled as he trotted down to meet us.

"Hello, boy." I called to him. Mr Rosier, who had introduced himself as Jacob – or Jake – to his friends, of which I was now one. It was nice to have a friend with fresh views on life.

"Who's this?" Jacob asked, looking between the horse and me. It was as though he was assessing our bond and I couldn't help my happiness.

"This is Abaccus." I told him with a grin. "I've had him since he was a wild foal." I informed him.

"Wild?" He asked, raising his brow at me.

"His mother died shortly after giving birth to him. We left nature to take it's course at first, but I convinced some of my friends to go back and get him…he wouldn't have survived without us." I told him. "It seems like a lifetime ago now." I said thoughtfully as I looked at my old friend.

"Time has a strange way of washing over us without us even realising." He agreed, walking up to Abaccus and stroking his face. "In a perfect world, we'd have all the time we needed to do what we had to."

"And how do you define what we have to do from what we want to do?" I asked him conversationally, folding my hands into my lap. I had wanted to save Abaccus so much that it became necessity…how could you make a clear definition between the two?

"We have to do what we were put on this Earth to do, Miss Swan." He said, looking back at me. "What we _want_ to do is what we get _blessed_ with in return."

"And what were you put on this Earth to do, Mr Rosier?" I questioned him.

"To help as many people, creatures and beings as I possibly can. It's why I pay my workers and I respect people of all walks of life." He told me. I felt a swell of respect for Jacob being so open about his agreement with my father – it was brave of him to do so in the South at this time. "But do tell me…what is it you _want_ to do, Miss Swan?" He asked.

I considered what he had asked me. What had I done in my life that I had not needed to do? What had I been blessed with in this world that I had no part in working for?

"Friendship." I answered simply. "I have the dearest friends any one person could ask for through what I needed to do." Jacob was right, in a sense, I had been blessed with my friends by simply acting on my instincts. "I would lay my life down for any one of them, yet would never ask them to do the same."

"That sounds like love, Miss Swan." He said, stroking Abaccus a little more.

"Then love is what I have been blessed with. More than I deserve."

"What a fairytale notion." He replied. His words reminded me of a conversation I had once shared with another…but, in that moment, I cared not to remember my past but to look towards the future.

"Indeed it is."

**JACOB! Who guess it? Be honest...I made it pretty easy.**


	31. Chapter 31

Over the next month, my father entertained the same guests and I repeatedly went on my chaperoned walks with Mr Rosier. He was a deep, interesting character and I found myself enjoying his company as much as Edward and Alice's. We valued our conversations and to speak to another intellectual about nonsense was something I had missed, shutting myself away in my room writing letters, books, and reading old articles. It felt so refreshing to _live_ once more in a way I had almost forgotten.

I was sad when the time came for Mr Rosier and his associates to leave, well and truly sad. He left with a promise to write to me often, and I took it gladly. I would be thankful for something to distract me from the radio silence from my other great friend in this life. I felt heaviness in my chest at remembering him – a heaviness I had not felt when with Jacob.

Jasper still hadn't replied to any of my letters, and my worry had gone beyond that of controllable just before Jacob arrived. Though, and the guilt was evident in my thoughts, I could see a way to live without him with Mr Rosier. I felt a wrongness in my heart at admitting it, but it seemed only logical to think of myself for at least a small time.

Jacob and I did not interact like Jasper and I had, but I couldn't help but compare them…they were complete opposites, what with Jacob being dark and tanned, and Jasper being blonde and pale. However, they were very alike in the way they acted; they saw beyond my disability to the person inside and would indulge my childish nature. Jacob, however, seemed to keep me more grounded in the real world, whereas Jasper and I wound fly into our fantasyland and hope never to return. Some would say that was the difference between love and friendship…but which one would get which title?

The autumn came and Mrs Lovett arrived in my room with a letter in hand. My heart fluttered and beat in my chest as I rolled over to her to retrieve it. When I looked at the address line, it was from Jacob. I couldn't help the sinking in my heart. Not that Jacob's letter was any less valuable to me, but…it wasn't Jasper.

_To the lovely Miss Swan, _

_Your father is doing well here in South Carolina and is interested ever more in presenting his ideas to a larger council at the end of the month. You should be very proud. _

_I hear of your tales from some of my friends here and I am promoting your work like a madman; I'll be asking for a slice of the royalties next! _

_Hoping this letter finds you well, _

_Mr J. Rosier_

I chuckled as I read the letter and sat down to write my reply. It had lifted my spirits, despite not being from whom I had originally hoped it was from. Jacob was light-hearted, though still businesslike in his written transactions and I was glad for the stimulation. I had hit a brick-wall with my writing and asked him for some inspiration. I was sure that he would come through and help me as he was always full of ideas.


	32. Chapter 32

Another year passed, the War had raged terror on many states and even had an effect on us, here in Texas, once again. Where we had originally had three-hundred staff, it had now been significantly reduced…only those originally hired by my mother, Edward and Alice remained within our employment and it was sad to see them go. Mrs Cove, though, had been dismissed due to lack of use. Other than setting out my clothes, Mrs Lovett did everything around the house and was promoted to Governess and Head of the House in my stead. Not that I needed a Governess anymore, but I wanted to protect Mrs Lovett's livelihood.

Edward, Alice, Renee, and now baby Seth, would accompany me weekly to go and see Abaccus, who was only growing more gracious in his age. He was well into the prime of his life, and the children enjoyed sitting on his back as Edward walked them around the field. These simple days were my favourite, and I would always remember them with a smile.

Alice had asked me to be Seth's Godmother and I had cried none too gracefully and accepted. It even bought a smile to my face now, recounting it. Seth was a brilliant boy, even at the tender age of fourteen months old, and Renee was growing more and more beautiful by the day. She looked so much like her mother, with the confidence and smart attitude of her father. I scarcely could imagine loving two people more in my life.

In my growing age, I had been instructed to do what my father could not when he was travelling. He seemed to be away more and more, but would always return for a month or so each season. In tow would always be Mr Rosier and Mr Godwin, who I always looked forward to seeing.

Also in my growing age, I was becoming ever-aware that, at twenty-two, I was quickly getting to a point of choice in my life. Would I ever marry? Would I attempt my own family? I had been told it was impossible, but stranger things had happened in the world. I would always sigh at the thought and spend countless hours thinking of my options.

Jasper was never far from my mind at this point, and I found myself weighing my options more realistically than the young woman who had fallen in love…I hadn't even told him so, and it had taken the absence of his letters to admit it to myself. It had been a year and a half since my last letter from him and I was beginning to lose all hope. I had been to see his mother and father once, or twice, and they had always been very welcoming of me. Edward had invited me the first time, to a small gathering they were having. The second, I had gone of my own accord when I had heard Jasper's father, Carlisle, had fallen ill. Apparently, they knew a lot about me and I always enjoyed my time with them, especially once Carlisle had made a full recover. Still, though, they had heard no word from their youngest son. Emmett had heard no word from his brother and they had come to accept that he might never return.

The world continued without Jasper, and I, though I hated to say it, had to do the same. I had matured a great deal over the past year and a half and though my love was still strong – and probably always would be – my mind was never far from my father's words the last time he had visited.

Mr Rosier had been talking to my father for a while now, about me, and had eventually asked for my hand. I had been shocked; originally, to find that Jacob had seen me in a way I had not consciously seen him. I had felt only friendship for him, but in a world where age was imperative and happiness lay in the arms of another, I found myself considering his offer a lot more seriously as time passed.

I knew that Jacob wouldn't wait forever on my answer. He was an eligible bachelor, as my father had often warned me, and he was far above the sign 'catch'. I wondered to myself whether I could come to love Jacob as anything more than a friend and whether that would matter in a modern-day marriage. He had always been there for me, since the day we met, and we talked about near enough everything with ease…it seemed like a logical decision. My heart would argue with my head until I felt sick and eventually called it a night and went to sleep.

However, I had put a time limit on myself. By my father's next visit, as I knew he would bring Mr Rosier, I would have my answer. It had been three months since his original proposal, and I was taking liberties by making him wait as it was. The fact that I had considered it for so long, and not just declined, spoke volumes of the situation. The time drew near and I eventually made my decision.

I would marry Mr Rosier…if not for love, but for friendship. I could scarcely ask more of the world when so many women married into unhappy relationships for status. Here, I had a man who was brilliantly smart, and kind, and indulged my childish side whilst still keeping me grounded…and he wanted to make an honest woman of me and to stop the rumours going around town after so long supposedly _courting_. Not that the rumours were vicious, but I hated the pitying looks whenever I was in town from the people there. Jacob was a kind man, and he would look after me in a way very few people I had met could. I was making a decision for my future; my heart's opinions were neither here nor there. As I had said, maybe I could learn to love Jacob…there was nothing not to.

When I told my father, he had shed a tear and hugged me. My father was not a man of many emotions and it made me happy to see him so delighted. He indulged me that morning and told me how proud he was that I had overcome everything and come out on top. To hear my father's pride was something I couldn't even describe. I knew I had made the right decision for everyone…perhaps even myself, after time. The other half of the life I had once entertained to want could possibly no longer exist.

Mr Rosier was equally as pleased and had greeted me far more warmly than usual, not that he was ever cold. He had kissed my hand and told me of my beauty…I had blushed and the news had been shared.

Gone were the pitying looks around town. Instead, I was met with congratulations and 'good luck' wishes from everyone I saw. Edward and Alice told me of their happiness for me, and the children were excited at the prospect of having children to play with. It made me blush to think of it, but the possibility elated me. Whenever I thought of family, and children, I remembered my first time holding Renee and the love I had felt for her instantly. What a wonderful notion.

Perhaps I could be happy without the things that I had once craved. I would certainly not have a bad life with Jacob, and I was warming to the idea of starting it. But my thoughts were never far from my Major and what he might be doing at that moment in time, if he were still of this earth. Perhaps I would never get an answer; it seemed more likely than not.

**I'm just gonna sit behind this sofa whilst you all get your anger out, please don't throw anything at me! Do, however, let me know what you think of my story so far. I'm interested to know how my writing is perceived and I know there isn't like bundles of fluff in it...but it's a sad, romance story...what can you expect?**


	33. Chapter 33

"I would like to propose a toast to my lovely daughter and her very lucky betrothed, Jacob Rosier." My father said, wobbling slightly as he stood. The guests at the party chuckled, but no one blamed him…many had thought this day would never come.

I smiled at him from my seat at the head table, Jacob's hand over mine, and enjoyed the festivities. It was strange to share affection with this man after a year of behaving one way, but I had slipped into it. I had fallen in love with the idea of having love, and children, and happiness with this man.

As was expected of a large announcement, my father had opened the doors to the town to celebrate the engagement and once I was over my embarrassment, I found myself enjoying the attention. I had attended many parties like this for other people, but it was an experience I thought I may never have myself…and it made it all the sweeter. I knew marriage was not about the parties, and the lavish gowns, but it was difficult not to get swept up in my magic of it all.

I had been dressed in the lavender dress that Jacob and I had first met in, upon his request, and I felt as beautiful as everyone else saw me. It was a new experience for me, but I completely forgot about my chair in the happy moment everyone was sharing and I sipped at my wine as I spotted Alice and Edward arriving with the children.

"Alice! Edward!" I called to them, excusing myself from Jacob's company, pulling away from the table and heading over to them. Renee jumped on me immediately and situated herself on my lap. Alice looked like she was about to have an aneurism.

"Renee Claire Masen, you get down from there this instant. You'll ruin Bella's lovely dress!" She hissed.

"It's alright, Alice. Everything I wear has permanent creases in the back of it anyway." I chuckled. Edward laughed with me and pinched his daughters cheek, handing Seth over to his mother.

"Would you like a drink, little Miss?" He asked with a wink.

"I'd love one, thanks." I nodded. Edward left Alice and I together.

Despite the age gap between Alice and I – six years or so – we had always gotten on like friends. I would never forget the day she had convinced Edward to allow me to find Abaccus and it warmed my heart to see her so happy with her life. She had not had the best start, but it was all in the past now.

"How's all of the wedding preparation going?" Alice asked. She laughed when I pulled a face.

"Well, you know my _love_ of official affairs." I sighed, rubbing my temples. Renee was happily bouncing on my lap and playing with my hair.

"You seem to be doing alright tonight." She encouraged me.

"All in the name of happiness in the future." I laughed a little, moving Renee's hand from my hair. "Do you know how long this hairdo took? Mrs Lovett would murder you if she saw you ruining her curls." I said to her with wide eyes. She gave me a cheeky smile. "Fearless little thing." I rolled my eyes.

"That she is. I found her eating her father's lunch the other day." Alice sighed, giving Renee a pointed look. "Which she is yet to be punished for, so she had best be on her _best_ _behaviour_."

"Yes, mama." Renee said in her sweet little voice, letting go of my hair and putting her hands in her lap. She looked thoroughly abashed. My heart went out to her, I could remember what it felt like to be an excitable child at an official dinner.

"I think there's some cake left on the table over there." I said to Renee, pointing to the main table where I had been sitting.

What little sugar, milk, butter and flour we had left went into a small cake to celebrate the announcement. It didn't taste the best, but it was luxurious compared with what everyone had been using as substitutes. I knew Renee had never really tasted a real cake.

Renee looked up at her mother with wide, wonder-filled eyes and I knew I had opened a pot of worms.

"Go on." Alice sighed, giving her permission. Renee scrambled off of my lap and headed straight to it. I couldn't help but laugh. "Isabella Marie Swan, I love you, but you can try getting her to bed tonight." Alice scolded me. "She has no sugar tolerance."

"She'll tire herself out dancing. I always used to." I told her with a wink.

"We'll see." She said, raising her eyebrow at me. There was a moment of comfortable, yet pregnant, silence between us before Alice said what was really on her mind. I had been waiting for it for nearly five minutes now. "Bella, are you sure you're doing this for the right reasons? Is Jacob _right_ for you?" She asked. It looked like she had just stopped herself from exploding, or let out a held in breath, and I sighed.

"I wish people would be happy for me, and not judge my decisions." I said, rubbing my temples.

"I'm just worried about you, Bella. We've talked about…_Jasper_," she whispered the name, "before and you seemed so certain–" She started to say but I cut her off.

"That was a long time ago, Alice."

I knew Alice was talking about the time I had gone running to her – figuratively speaking – in tears, having finally had enough of his radio silence. I had gotten upset and ended up staying at theirs for the night, talking to Alice for hours on end about my summer with him, and the letters he had sent.

What Alice refused to let go was that that night was over a year ago now, and a lot could happen in that time. When you had it all, you wanted it for someone else…and Alice wanted the love she had for Edward to be experienced by all. I had thought to have maybe found that love, but he had been missing for a year and a half with no word to anyone. Despite what I had said to him in the past, I couldn't wait forever when reality was the world we truly lived in.

"A world of make-believe is all good and well until real-life shatters that image, Alice." I said softly, a little too much emotion escaping for my liking but being unable to control it.

"You don't have to do this." She said.

"It's all anyone has ever asked of me from the beginning of my life. It just so happens that the option came in the form of a dear friend…to pin my hopes on someone who may or may not be alive still – someone who never told me how he felt – _isn't real life_." I stressed, looking around to make sure we weren't being listened to.

"He didn't need to tell you. You said that so many times, Bella–"

"Alice, _stop_." I snapped.

I knew that she meant well, and she only wanted me to be happy…but I didn't like that my past was being brought up at the beginning of my future. Jasper was a part of my past and Jacob was my future. Jacob was _good_ for me, Jacob was _real_. Jasper…seemed more like a dream now than ever. I could keep my childish humour, I could chatter nonsense and live in my stories…but, eventually, everyone has to grow up.

The conversation ended a little tense and Edward returned shortly after, Renee in tow with cake all over her face. I smiled, but it didn't reach my eyes. I excused myself, feigning sickness, to go and get some air.

I made my way through the busy room of dancing people, of all different walks of life, having the time of their lives. It seemed almost like I was simply a spectator, viewing someone else's life in their happiest days, as I made my way to the balcony. I fought through the annoying curtain and into the fresh breeze of the spring night.

Taking a deep breath, I rolled myself to the edge of the balcony and looked out over the land my father owned. I wondered, for the first time since agreeing to this marriage, whether I would have to move to South Carolina…I hoped I would not, Jacob was aware of my love of my home. It wouldn't be beyond imagination to build a smaller home on the lands of the Swan property…I would have to discuss it with my father when the time came.

I heard footsteps behind me and sighed. I wasn't in the mood for party guests anymore. I wasn't in the mood for any more congratulations…it had been spoilt by my own mind. I didn't blame Alice for her actions, she was only trying to make me think of what I was doing before I got swept up in it all.

The smell of tobacco reached me and I heard the stubbing of a cigarette. I turned to whoever it might be, it was only polite as they must have been trying to catch my attention. The smell of liquor hit me before anything else, but two very angry eyes looked into mine. They were deep, ocean blue, and it broke my heart to see them once more.


	34. Chapter 34

"Enjoying yer' party?" He sneered.

I was awestruck by the vision of the man in front of me. He was not the man that had left Abaccus's field just over two years ago; he was the shell of a man I used to know. I could smell his breath from where I was, several feet away, and his uniform was barely clinging to him as he struggled to stand under the weight of his drunkenness.

"Jasper…" I let out in a breath I hadn't known I was holding. My heart broke at the sight of him. "What's happened to you?" I asked, covering my nose from the smell of liquor.

"Me?" He laughed once without humour. "I could say the same to you. Didn't both your legs work at some point?" He sniffed, wobbling slightly.

I recoiled from his words; they were harsh and were meant to hurt and they hit their mark. I could see the hidden pain in his glassy eyes but it didn't lessen the sting. I looked down at my hands in my lap before looking back up to him.

"Nearly two years–"

"Isn't as long as it takes, _Bells_!" He snarled. The once delightful nickname he had used for me held so much malice that I flinched, closing my eyes. I didn't want to look at him anymore. "_'As long as it takes'_ do you remember _that_, Bella?" He asked, griping the arms on either side of my chair. "Do you?" He raised his voice a little more.

"I can hear you." I replied, my voice flat.

"Then answer me." He said, his sickly breath washing over me. "Tell me _why_ I returned to Houston to hear word of your _happy little engagement_ and _what a fine gentleman_ had captured your heart." He spat; pushing off of my chair and wiping the words form his mouth like they were poison. "Didn't miss that little piece of you that much, did you?"

The way he spat my words back at me in mocking made me feel foolish. I had promised him everything, as he had promised me, as a young woman who had never experienced love before. Seeing the man he had become because of it made me fear the power of such a feeling.

"It wasn't like that." I said in a small voice.

"Then _how_ was it?" He asked, laughing hysterically yet without a hint of humour. "Because I don't fuckin' know!" He yelled at me.

I would have been worried someone would hear us, but the music was so loud, and the guests were so drunk, I scarcely thought anyone had even noticed I was gone besides Edward and Alice.

"Did he make you _feel_ things, Bella?" He snarled. "Did he touch you in ways I never did?" He went on, grabbing my leg and attempting to lift my skirt.

"Get off of me!" I yelled, hitting him with all of my might. He caught my hands, but at least gave up his efforts at violating me. "You're drunk." I snapped.

"Anything to lessen the pain, _my dearest Bells_." He mocked me. "I guess you don't feel that, since your new poet fella' can _read_ to you and _fuck_ you at the same time. Tell me, can you feel it when he touches you?" He continued.

"Stop it!" I screamed at him, hot tears welling up in my eyes. This wasn't my Jasper; this was a very hurt and broken man inflicting pain onto the one who had hurt him most. I tried to understand, but his words cut like knives to my heart and soul. "_This isn't you_." I sobbed.

"_War_ does things to a man. _Whores_ do things to a man." He spat, looking down at me as though I were the Devil.

"No. No, it wasn't like that–"

"YOU LIAR!" He bellowed, coming close to me again. "You're a liar, Bella." He said quietly. The fight seemed to have left him as he looked down at the floor, still leaning on my chair. He was still angry, still shaking, but it was the most terrifying kind…indignation.

"I'm not a liar, Jasper…" I said, reaching out to touch him. He batted my hand away and it was another knife in me.

He pushed away from my chair and walked away from me, rubbing across his mouth and shaking his head. I could hear a crack in his voice when he spoke.

"I actually thought you'd wait for me." He said, as though he weren't even speaking to me.

"You were gone for so long…you didn't write, you didn't let _anyone_ know you were alive…"

"If a _Major_ were dead, don't you think someone would have _reported_ it?" He said, laughing. "Or would an army conduct _itself_?" He questioned. "You know, for a smart girl, ya' ain't so smart, Bells." He shook his head…it felt somehow like he was dismissing me. It panicked me.

"Why didn't you write to me then? I thought you were dead…I looked for mail every day, I wrote you letters…"

"Our messages weren't safe anymore. They told us we couldn't write home, in case we were sharing tactics with people. Everyone had a ban on them." He told me, dismissing it as unimportant.

"I didn't know, _no one_ knew. I thought maybe you'd…you'd had your summer and–"

"And left you without getting into your knickers? Come on, Bells. You're smarter than that, you know _men_ better than that." He said, motioning indoors to where Jacob was.

"Why are you being like this? This isn't who you are."

"You don't know me anymore." He snarled.

"And you think you know me?" I snapped back. "You think you know everything because you've heard I'm _engaged_? Obviously, I fell in love with _someone_ _else_ and I was done with you. Is that how your mind works?" I shook my head. "You know the expectations of me in this world. This isn't just about _you_, so stop being so _damn_ _selfish_!"

"Fell in love with someone else?" He questioned. His voice was quiet as he looked at me with a furrowed brow.

Of all the things he could have picked out of what I'd said tonight, he picked on that. I wanted to claw at my hair and scream at him, but it would do no use. I simply sat back in my chair and wiped away my tears.

"Bella…" He said softly, still wobbling on his feet.

"What? Because it wasn't said it wasn't true? That love wasn't what was between us?" I demanded of him. If he wanted to make me feel uncomfortable, now it was his turn. Two could play that game, but love wasn't about games.

"Bella, I…" He trailed off, his words seeming to get stuck in his throat.

"Tell me you love me, Jasper." I said, looking him dead in the eyes.

"What?" He asked, furrowing his brow.

"_Tell me you love me_ and I'll call this whole thing off." I said, every inch of me _vowed_ to stick to my word. I looked him dead in the eyes as I shook my head. "_Tell me you love me_ and that we can have a life together, _damn_ what people say or what little we'll have. _Tell me you'll take care of me_ and accept me for what little I have to offer on my own. _Tell me you're the man I used to know_." I finished, not looking away from his eyes. My voice had cracked and broken several times, but he had heard every word.

I watched as he took his gaze from mine and paused, looking out into the land my father owned. It was a long silence before he dropped his head to look at the ground, rubbing a hand over his face. Hot tears began to fall once again and I sat back, pursing my lips together to hide the sound of my sobs.

"I am _not_ a whore." I said, keeping my voice firm, but I couldn't hide everything. "Jacob is a _good_ _man_ and he accepts me for what little I can offer. My legs don't work, everyone knows that, everyone _pities_ me for it," I spat, "but no one would take me on themselves to care for." I said, my speech becoming my goodbye. Jasper could hear it, but he refused to look at me.

"He doesn't love me, and probably never will. I don't love him…and the reason for that is that _little piece_ of me that was with you? It was my heart, Jasper…and you've returned it _broken_ and _mangled_."

"Look at yourself. You're drunk, causing a scene at something _you_ could have prevented with three words." I shook my head, a sob breaking through on the last part. "But you're too _chickenshit_ to accept what I did years ago!" I paused, collecting myself and taking breaths in before I spoke again.

"We're of different worlds, Jasper…at one point we may have met in the middle, but we're so far apart now that I can barely see the boy who I first met." I sighed, a humourless laugh coming to me. "The boy who saw past _titles_ and _land ownership_ and called a _rich little Daddy's girl_ out on her rudeness because he was fearless." I knew my face was contorting in anger and disgust, and I couldn't control it. I didn't know this man.

"Now, stood before me, is a man I don't know…a man I _don't_ _love_." I finished.

I saw him flinch at my declaration, but he let on little more reaction other than that. I watched him for a moment, giving him time to hear what I had said and perhaps make a comment.

He never did. He simply turned away from me and left into the darkness. In that moment, the last few pieces of my heart were _trampled_ _into_ _dust_ and I broke down. My body collapsed into my lap as I clutched my chest, sobbing.

**This was, by far, one of the hardest chapters to write. It broke my heart to see either of them so hurt...let me know what you thought. **


	35. Chapter 35

"You look beautiful, Bella." Alice said, placing my veil in my hair and rearranging the hair around my face. I looked in the mirror, but I felt numb.

It had been six months since I had seen Jasper that night, and I had heard nothing from him since. I had thrown myself into this marriage and all of the preparations. Logically, my brain was telling me to forget him and focus on my wedding, and my friendships, but everything seemed still so fresh with Jasper. He had refused my offer when I had told him exactly what the consequences were of his actions…I had offered myself to him, reputation and all, and he had stayed silent.

Silence seemed to be Jasper's thing.

I would not go as far to say I was depressed, for I felt like things were not done with Jasper…but I certainly felt in a state of limbo. Weeks passed like hours and the months totted up. I still did all of the things I had been doing before that night, but with less vigour and genuine happiness than before. Alice and Edward had been worried, but a heated argument soon stopped their questioning. I felt terrible for it, but I couldn't bring myself to try and change it – the past was an immovable object, things didn't change.

All of the other women in the room left, apart from Alice. I had picked her as my Maid of Honour, and she would stay with me until I walked down the aisle. In this moment, I should have been the happiest I could ever have been…and the most nervous, but all I felt was nothing. Cold. Dead. Nothing.

"Bella…" Alice said softly, touching the side of my face. I was sat on the bed and she would have to bring my chair over soon, but she seemed to take that moment to reach out to me. "I don't know what happened with Jasper, but you haven't been the same since." She said. She felt me tense up, my anger flaring – the only emotion I could fully feel right now – and she stroked my arm. "I don't want to argue, but I will if it means you actually _speak to me_. Say what's on your mind." She begged.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Alice had spent so many hours on my makeup that it seemed wrong to cry, so I tried to control it as I turned to her.

She knew that Jasper had come to see me, for he was home with his family now for the leave he had been given for his extended service to the army in their moment of need. He would be returning soon, but right now he was with his step-mother, father and brother – the people he wanted to be with. He would not attend my wedding, I knew that but I didn't know how I would feel being there without him.

"I asked him if he loved me." I told her, locking eyes with her.

"And?" She asked, her eyes widening.

"He said nothing." I told her. "I said I'd call off the wedding if he just told me he loved me and he just stood there, drunk as a skunk; a mess in every sense of the word." I shook my head, the tears brimming. "I'm sorry, Alice." I said, wiping under my eyes.

"This is more important than your face, darlin'." She said, swatting away my hands. I let out a small laugh, but the moment stayed tense. "Does that mean he _doesn't_ love you, though?" She asked me. "It took you a long time to see it for yourself."

"I've been asking myself the same thing for months. We've had the same amount of time." I said, shaking my head.

"Well, on your wedding day would be the time to find out. Very dramatic." She said, grimacing.

"I offered him what I thought he wanted and he didn't take it." I shook my head. "There's no drama there, only pain."

There was a moment of silence between us as she weighed up her options. I felt her hand on the side of my head, pulling me close to her, and I went with it, unable to hold myself up anymore. She cradled me against her shoulder, stroking the side of my face.

"It's going to be alright." She cooed. "Jacob is a good man, an _honest_ man…whatever you choose to do – he is your friend and only wants the best for you." She comforted me. I knew what Alice wanted me to do, but I couldn't gamble with my life, and my relationships and friendships, like that.

If I called off the wedding now there would be no guarantee that Jasper would have me…or that we could even recover from what we had said to one another. I still felt the wounds of his words about my legs and I had bruised him deeply. If I called off the wedding, my father would be difficult…he may never speak to me again. Jacob would be hurt, and his friendship would not be guaranteed – not like Alice thought. Everyone in the town was in attendance and they would all know my dirty laundry…I couldn't shame my family like that if I didn't truly believe my life would be happier with that decision made.

I voiced all of this to Alice and she took it as my decision, getting up from the bed and bringing my chair over to me. I watched her and we locked eyes for a moment. I saw the disappointment in the situation, and the sadness, and me…yet indignation. She would stick by me through this and I would never be able to thank her enough.

Lifting myself from the bed and gracelessly bringing myself to a sitting position in my chair, Alice fluffed my dress so that it looked right when in the chair.

I had to admit, the dress wasn't something I would have picked, but my father had almost broken down seeing me in it and chose it immediately. It was large, and very filled-out, with a low neck and a painful corset that made me look inhumanly slim. The long white gloves reached up my arms higher than I was used to and the large fascinator on my head weighed quite a bit. I looked the epitome of wedding fashion for the time, but it was very uncomfortable.

Alice called for help to get me down the stairs and everyone along the way complimented me. People had lined themselves on the stairs and were waiting outside the house for me to come out. They applauded when they saw me and I graced them all with a smile, keeping hold of Alice's hand on my shoulder like a lifeline. It would all be over soon and then the decisions were over – my life would be on its track until the end.

The trip to the chapel, in the carriage, was interesting. People from the town were walking behind and filing into the church whilst I was being helped into my chair. I smiled at them all as they wished me good look and told me to break a leg. I was comforted by the support and love I had from the community, far more people than I had been expecting.

I saw Edward, Renee and Seth sitting in one of the pews furthest at the front, just before the doors closed. My father appeared beside me.

"You look beautiful, just like your mother." He said, placing his hand out to hold mine. I felt slightly silly, doing the aisle as I was, but God wasn't going to bless me with a miracle just to walk down the aisle.

I smiled at the thought, for the first time that day, and my father took it as reassurance of my decision. I was going to do this; it had to be done. I could hear the choir singing as the doors opened and my father walked me down the aisle, Alice pushing my chair as we went. I noticed that Jacob was kneeling at the front of the church and I let out a chuckle at his thoughtfulness.

Kissing my father's cheek, Alice pushed me to the side of my husband to be and the music stopped, as did the singing. Jacob took me in with a wide grin and stroked my cheek.

"You look beautiful." He mouthed to me. I blushed. I was not used to all of this attention and I could almost see the recognition in his eyes.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the union of Isabella Marie Swan and Jacob Rosier…" The Minister began, addressing everyone in the church.

The ceremony was conducted as usual, and I felt myself warming to the idea when the declarations of protections and caring for someone until the end of our time together. I looked at Jacob a few times during the ceremony, but he kept his eyes trained on the Minister at all times.

"I, Isabella Marie Swan, take you, Jacob Rosier, to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part." I said, my voice shaking slightly over a few of the words, sliding the wedding band over his finger with shaking hands.

Jacob turned to me and took my hands in his.

"I, Jacob Rosier, take you, Isabella Marie Swan, to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part." He said with absolute confidence, sliding my own ring into place.

It felt strange to have such a light object weigh so heavily on my hand, but I smiled up at him despite my feeling.

"I now declare you husband and wife." The Minister said, smiling at us and closing the book.

Jacob leant forwards, his eyes closing slightly. I realised, in that moment, that this would be my first kiss. Even with Jasper, we had never touched lips, never stolen a kiss or pecked as curious children…and now, it was for everyone to see.

I leant forwards, matching his movements until our lips touched. His lips were warm and moulded around mine. It felt strange and unnatural…but then, it was something I had never even thought about doing before and it was with someone I considered a close friend.

Perhaps I would come to love it, as well as Jacob.

**I always cry at weddings... *sniff* but be serious...who was hoping that Jasper would ride in on a horse and carry her to a house in the hills? I know I was and I wrote the damn thing...**


	36. Chapter 36

Applause filled the church as we made our way down the aisle, Jacob pushing me now. I was no stranger to this feeling and I felt a lot more comfortable, despite having a lot of confetti fall in my hair as we were met with photographers from the local paper at the entrance.

Jacob stopped to enjoy the attention and I sighed, rolling my eyes playfully. He leant down and kissed my cheek as a camera flashed. I had hoped I wasn't grimacing in the photo as my eyes were wide from the shock, I hadn't thought he would be so public with affections…but then, we _were_ a newly-wedded couple.

"I'd like to thank you _all_ for your attendance, and your devotion to supporting us on our special day." Jacob addressed everyone, taking my hand. "Isabella and I would like to invite you all back to the Swan Estate for the reception and hope that you will further celebrate this special day with us.

The festivities began as they always did, with Jacob and I cutting the cake together and having our photo taken. The wine was flowing and everyone seemed a lot merrier than they were usually. I found myself actually enjoying the day as I watched my friends dance together on the dancefloor. Renee, not really understanding, came and asked me to dance. Alice looked wholly embarrassed, but I had always enjoyed dancing as a child.

"I would love to dance, Renee." I said, wheeling myself to the dancefloor, only at the edge, and shaking my arms in the air as though my entire body could move.

Glorious music played and everyone seemed to get over their shock in a matter of moments, copying my dance moves, even on their chairs, and I laughed with them as Renee grabbed my hands and began to spin my chair.

"Slow down, Renee!" Edward called, but I was laughing so heartily, I didn't mind getting a little dizzy.

As the events of the night played out, and the congratulations speeches were over, it came time to retire for the night. It was fair to say that my nerves were definitely being felt as Jacob wheeled me across to the far-side of the Swan House…apparently my father had ensured we could have it to ourselves for the evening whilst he was entertained by Mr Godwin in the next town.

**Okay, guys, the beginning of the really sensitive topics begin now. I implore you to keep an open mind and tell me what you think. It isn't a particularly pleasant thing to write, but I felt real empathy for anyone in this kind of situation. Please R&amp;R and let me know what you think. As always, no flames! I do this all for you guys...I didn't sleep for about 3 days writing this.**


	37. Chapter 37

I was sitting on the bed, in my usual nightgown, with my hands shaking. I had had very little time to talk to Alice about the goings-on behind closed doors of married couples. Of course, I had read enough books to know the mechanics, but I was a virgin in every sense of the word…and it frightened me.

I knew that pain was coming, I had heard quite a lot from the chattering of the maids over the years, and that there would be blood but not a worrying amount…no more than I got from my monthly bleed.

Jacob entered the room, having allowed me to change on my own, in privacy, whilst I readied for bed. I was under no illusions, though, this would be a somewhat awkward interaction and it was something I could not avoid. I had read a very old fashioned law, in my time of research, that a marriage was not binding until it was consummated.

Sitting on the other side of the bed, Jacob smiled at me. It was warm and trusting, and I felt myself settle a little. I was thankful that it was my friend who would be deflowering me, and not a stranger I had been betrothed to out of necessity. I felt tense when Jacob's hand went to my shoulder and he squeezed it.

"Are you alright?" He asked.

"Just nervous." I admitted to him, looking into his eyes. "This is something I have no knowledge of." I told him.

"I wouldn't expect you to." He said, shaking his head. "Once you relax, it will be as easy as breathing." He told me.

I looked down at my legs, how they didn't respond to my commands and just lay there under the duvet, motionless. Would it effect my enjoyment? Would I be able to feel anything…Jasper had mentioned it…

I shook those thoughts from my head as Jacob moved a little closer to me. This was not the time to think of anyone but my husband.

"Would you like to just talk first?" He asked me.

"I doubt pleasantries are going to make this any easier." I said to him, a little bit of annoyance breaking through. I wasn't annoyed at him, just my cowardly self.

"It's meant to be an enjoyable thing, Bella." He said to me, placing his hand on the side of my face. "Just try to enjoy it." He told me, capturing my lips with his.

His kiss was more aggressive than it had been in the church, but then we were not under the supervision of my father now. _Don't think about that; just relax like he says!_ I scolded myself, closing my eyes and kissing him back. I couldn't focus on anything but my performance, however, and it showed. Jacob paid little mind to it, though, and I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. If he stopped every time I got a little nervous, we would never consummate the marriage.

I saw, rather than felt, his hand got to my leg as he kissed me deeper, his tongue invading my mouth. I wasn't sure how to feel about it, but I allowed it…who was I to say he was doing it wrong? For all I knew, this would be enjoyable after a few times…

Laying me down, flat, he positioned himself on top of me, never breaking his searing kiss. I could feel my nose getting squashed as he pushed his head harder against mine. I pulled back slightly, but he moved his mouth to my neck and licked and sucked it. I could imagine how this would have felt nice, had I not been so tense. Jacob, however, seemed rather into the whole thing and began pulling up my nightgown.

I breathed a little heavier as the nerves started to take over, but this seemed to only encourage Jacob more as he recaptured my lips and finished pulling up my nightgown and removing my underwear. I let out a cry of surprise as he pulled me roughly to him, spreading my non-responsive legs for him to settle himself there. I could feel his presence there, however, and his hands began to explore areas that I had not even touched myself in that way.

A tingling sensation built in my belly for a moment, and I had to admit that it felt quite nice. I let out a little huff of pleasure and Jacob went back to kissing my neck.

"You have a beautiful cunt." He snarled in my ear.

My face screwed up at the words he said, they felt like something you might say to a woman who sold her body, not your wife. I pushed against him slightly, but he paid little mind as he freed himself from his underwear and positioned himself at my entrance. I could feel him there; feel him pushing into my folds. I wanted to cry out 'no', but it was inevitable.

A sharp pain coursed through me and I let out a cry, but it did not deter him. He kept moving inside of me, causing a burning sensation I was none too fond of to rip through me. It was like my body didn't want him there, that it wasn't ready. He covered my mouth with his as he thrust into me, harder and deeper to the point where tears build in my eyes. I wouldn't cry; this was mean to be a happy moment for me.

I felt anything but happy when Jacob tensed for a moment.

"Take it, _whore_!" He cried out, shaking slightly before rolling off of me. I could feel a warm oozing sensation coming from my opening and it made me feel dirty…_I _felt dirty.

My body ached and between my legs was sore as I rolled over onto my side, my thighs wet with his seed, my blood and sweat. His words had cut me, but the way he had violated my body, and taken all that I had, in the way he did, I felt broken.


	38. Chapter 38

Married life was not what I had expected it to be. As I had requested of my father, two months before the marriage, he had build use a decent sized house, far larger than I had expected, on the other side of the land from his. I could not wheel myself there, I would always have to ask for Jacob's help…which meant I did not see anyone back at the house very often. Jacob was busy at work a lot of the time, and it meant that he didn't have the time to wheel me back and forth to see Edward and Alice as often as I would have hoped.

We had few staff, all hired by Jacob himself. I didn't know any of them, and they kept their distance from me…even when I tried to talk to them. The Head of House was a woman I once called my Governess. Mrs Cove was almost delighted to be hired in my house. I had argued with Jacob about it, but he called in nonsense and ignored me.

She would direct me on how to behave, how to conduct myself, what to wear and where I could and couldn't go. She used the fact I had my chair as an excuse for her overbearing attitude. I had tried to talk to Jacob about it, but he had argued with me, called me oversensitive and not returned to the house for three days. When he did, he stank to the high heavens of liquor and had forced himself upon me when I denied him. Our second time making love had set the pace for every encounter since.

Jacob Rosier was not the man I had thought I was marrying…after our first night together; I had cried myself to sleep next to him. I had been none too silent, and he had berated me for keeping him awake and told me to be quiet. Since then, I had tried to deny him, but he had forced himself upon me nearly every night. Sometimes, I would get lucky and he would be drunk as a skunk when he returned from a friend's house and collapse into bed next to me, reeking of alcohol and perfume.

What I had once idolized, a married couple being friends was long gone, but I didn't have a soul to talk about it with. It was difficult to get myself to Abaccus's pen, which was halfway between the Rosier residence and the Swan House, and so I couldn't see Edward, Alice and their two children more than once a month. Besides, what would I say to them? That married life was not all as it seemed and my husband was a monster? That Alice was right and I had made a very wrong decision? It couldn't. Alice had offered me her friendship if I had made the other decision, but I wrongly ignored her. I had been fed a lie and eaten up by it myself. I had vowed to be with this man until my dying day…I would go as far to say that I hoped it wasn't far off.

The first six months were the hardest. Jacob was _intent_ on getting me pregnant. The one time I had managed to conceive, I had fallen from my chair trying to go to the toilet, as the staff were not as helpful as back home, and the life within me hand been ended. No one had found me for several hours and I spent the week in bed with doctors coming to see me regularly. Unfortunately, my father was away from work and could only communicate with me through letters. I wasn't comfortable sharing all of the details where a Northern spy could read them. The War was only getting worse, before it got better, and a lot of the communication was cut between people outside of the State.

When I had managed to get out of bed and move around a bit more, with the use of my chair, was the first time that Jacob had hit me. It was a simple slap, but the connotations of his actions were there.

"Useless woman!" He cried, striking me across the face. My head went in the direction of his blow and I clutched my face, feeling the heat of the blood rushing to the surface.

"_Jacob_…" I gasped, looking at him with hurt. I could handle him forcing himself on me, but I had not signed up to be mistreated…_that_, I knew was wrong.

"What use are you to me if you can't even supply me with a successor? Let alone a son!" He snarled, grabbing my wrist and pulling me from my chair. I was half dragged on the floor and half within his hold. My arm felt like it was going to break, and I clawed at his hold on me.

"It was a sad _accident_!" I cried, tears welling up in my eyes.

"I'll show you _an accident_!" He bellowed, throwing me on the floor. I landed roughly, but it didn't hurt as much as I had expected, just jolted me. Looking at me with disdain and disgust, he had kicked my chair across the room when I reached for it and left the house.

It had taken me nearly two hours to get back into my chair, as the staff had ignored me. I suspected that they were under threat from Jacob as well, for they all seemed to disappear whenever he entered the house and only came out when called upon them to serve him. He had come to me and apologised that night, and I forgave him. Everyone lost their temper, and I saw a glimpse of the Jacob I had once called my friend…but it was not to last.

I yearned for the days when he would leave for a few weeks and I would be left alone in the house. I would make the arduous journey to Abaccus's pen as often as I could and I saw Alice and Edward there as many times as I went. Apparently, they had been hoping to see me quite a lot of the time.

"Bella, are you alright?" Edward asked, stroking my cheek where the mark was still faint.

"I fell from the toilet this morning." I told him, waving off his concern. There was enough embarrassment there to halt him.

What I had neglected to mention about Jacob was that he was a master manipulator. He had told me that, without my full cooperation and secrecy, he would single-handedly ruin my family and closest friends. This was after I threatened to leave him, and the apologies no longer worked on me.

I had betted against him once and he had proven me wrong. My father, as honest as I thought he was, had apparently been doing a lot of things he should not have been doing…and Jacob had found out. He had enough evidence, even I knew that, to take to the authorities to get my father put in jail and have everything taken from him. Now, I did not think my family above the law, but I loved my father dearly…and, in his old age, he would not survive very long in jail. He had done all that he had to provide for me and those that depended on him…it was my mother's dying wish of him, everyone knew that. How he did it was none of my business.

Unfortunately, stemming from that, it meant that Edward and Alice would be directly affected. As my father's accountant, Edward would be facing the same amount of jail-time…if not for my father's sake, I had to do it for Edward's children. I couldn't have them growing up without a father.

I did what I did, and survived how I did, for the people I loved. I had said once before to him, and I felt naïve for admitting such a weakness to him now, but I had thought he was my friend. I would lay down my life for my loved ones and would never ask for anything in return. I would suffer the next forty years of Jacob's torturous marriage if only it meant they would be happy. He had at least promised me that…even if his friendship to me was a lie to trick me.

Jacob was, in fact, losing money at an alarming rate and needed my share of my father's succession money to pay some rather nasty loaners off. That's where his plan concluded – it was all about money. I knew it dark of me, but it wasn't beyond Jacob's capabilities to have killed his own father for his inheritance.

"Boo-boo." Seth said, pointing at my cheek from Alice's hold.

I had just arrived, Jacob being gone again, at Abaccus's pen, and yet again I had the marks of the last time he had come home drunk. Apparently, now, it was his favourite past time.

I sighed and rolled my eyes at Edward and Alice's concerned glances.

"I'm fine." I said, pushing my hair around my face to cover the handprint on my neck. I had worn my highest-neck dress on the insistence of Mrs Cove, but it still needed a little help to cover the marks.

Edward and Alice shared a glance.

That was the last time I had gone out whilst I still had marks on my skin. Apparently, Edward had confronted Jacob about the issue; suspecting something was wrong, but had been schmoozed by the charismatic man I called my husband. However, he had been none too understanding with me.

That was the first time I had to have the doctor called out for what Jacob had done to me. It was nothing too severe, but when I started coughing up blood and passing out, my injuries were too serious to recover without medical attention. I had a near-punctured lung and a concussion, as well as a fractured eye-socket that time. But that was the worst it got. If I had survived that, I could survive anything else he threw at me. The bastard.

Over the next two years, I fell pregnant three times and lost all of them for one reason or another. Due to being so inactive, my body seemed to not have the will to carry a baby and I never got past my second month. Some times I told Jacob were better than others. I preferred the times he hit me, for I could see the damage heal from my body; they would fade and eventually disappear. His words, however, stuck with me in every passing moment. He could call me a whore all he liked, a sinner as much as he pleased…but when he called me a failure as a wife, a disgrace to women, a waste of space and _lame_, I could feel my soul being sucked out of me, scarred with his opinions. Never before had I been confronted with such prejudice and hatred.

**Okay, so the reason I used Jacob was because I felt it would help connote the friendship they had without having to write every conversation they had down. As I said before, I harbour no Jacob-hate, I read a lot of J/B stories and love them...I just needed the right character. I felt that changing his last name made him perhaps a little more manageable to read about...as I know the topics are really upsetting. Bella is being slowly broken by the way she is being treated, despite everything she's been through. **

**I really wanted to show how the strength of her friends and loved ones helped her in difficult times before and how one person could ruin that. Please, let me know if it's working, if it's realistic (if a bit dramatic) and thanks for reading this far. Let me know what you think! **


	39. Chapter 39

I lost part of myself over those two years that I felt like I would never get back…it wasn't until I received a package from Alice that I felt myself brighten up even the slightest. I hadn't seen her in over a month, and Renee's birthday was coming up. Jacob had banned me from attending, as I had wounds that still needed healing, and had been extremely low about it recently.

In the package Alice had sent me were some printed photographs of Renee and Seth, and my, were they growing! My heart swelled, seeing their chubby little faces grinning up at me. I made sure to keep the box secret and only went into it when I felt near suicidal from one of Jacob's attacks – be it verbal or otherwise. I always felt weak when he had that effect on me, but it was becoming so hard. Alice's kindness made it better – there were still people that loved me.

One day, I went into it and there was very little left in there, just some paper in the bottom. I had picked them out a few times, wondering what they were, but had never had a chance to look at them properly. Today, I decided to open them. I needed to feel better.

Within them were some of the letters that I had kept from Jasper and I put my hand to my mouth in shock, trying to keep in the emotions that came from me. I felt tears spring to my eyes and I threw them back in the box, slamming it shut and shoving them back under the bed.

I wouldn't open that can of worms again…I _couldn't_ go there. I couldn't go back to living in the fantasyland where I felt love for someone…_actively_ felt it. It would just pain me more when I came back to reality. I couldn't lie to myself and say that I didn't still love Jasper, but I had put the thoughts to the back of my mind to make my present not seem so hopeless.

If I remembered how happy I had once been, going back to my life as it was would be too much to bear. It would most likely be the tipping point for my sanity.

But the letters kept nagging at me, knowing they were there. I bit my lip as I passed them every day.

The sun was high in the sky, in the middle of summer, before I eventually opened the box again. I had seen Alice since, but hadn't mentioned the letters…neither had she. I sighed as I opened it. I would read only _one_.

_My dearest Bells, _

_Time seems to pass so quicklee when I'm with you, yet an hour feels like a long time when it's spent away from you. I wonder what yer doin right now and I hope it's thinkin of me. I think of you often. _

_I know I'm not the most literate man you could write to, but I cherish that you do write me. I'm gettin better, or so I hope…what do you think? _

_It's gettin cold down here now, and the Yankee's don't look like they are givin up anytime soon. I hope that you'll wait for me, so we can be as we were this summer's past. I think of the life we lived and it seems like a fine way to be when this War is over. _

_Be seein you reall soon, darlin' _

_Forever Yours, _

_Major J. Whitlock._

I smiled reluctantly, tears filling my eyes, as I read the letter. There wasn't a lot said, but the meaning was there. I remembered back to when I had first read the letter and how my heart had fluttered at the thought of seeing him again. But this was _wrong_.

I noted that the feelings I had been hiding – from myself – were back in full-force and it pained me to accept them again. Jasper still had my heart, and probably always would, no matter its condition. I felt a physical pain in my chest as I sat there, holding the letter tightly between my fingers once again, as though it were a lifeline.

Without warning, I began to sob and collapsed into the back of my chair. I put the letter down and had to lean back on my chair for support, taking gaps of air. I covered my eyes with my hand to try and stop the fierce tears, but they were not to be stopped. No obstacle would stand in the way of my body grieving for its loss. I wished that I could turn back time, that I could wait those six months longer for Jasper to come back. How would my life be now?

The community would probably have shunned me the moment it became known, and my father would never speak to me again…but I would sleep next to the man who owned me mind, body and soul every night – because I had given myself to him. Jacob stole what he wanted from me, and I fought him tooth and nail all the way. Jasper…oh, Jasper could have had the world off of me and I still wouldn't have classed it as enough for his love. It was all I had ever wanted.

I spent the rest of the day reading through Jasper's letters, treasuring each as much I had the first time. Perhaps more, if I considered the fact that I would never read such words, or hear them, from him again. I knew of Jasper's life now, Edward kept me in the loop…he was doing well as a Major and was given more flexible leave considering the War was finally calming down somewhat over the past two years. His travels became more regular and he was in town maybe three or four times a year for a few weeks at a time.

Some part of me wanted to go and see him, but the rest of me couldn't bear to see the way he would look at me. We had hurt each other so much, how could we ever come back from it…even to be friends? We had said so much, so much that changed everything. Could Jasper and I ever really be friends? Perhaps he hadn't loved me the way I had loved him, and he had spared me from embarrassing myself in his company…and perhaps he was just scared that I had changed my mind about people like him, about people who weren't of the same class as me. Surely, after that night though, he knew that wasn't the case…had I made it clear enough?

I barely remembered anymore what had been said that night; it was a blur of tears, anger, pain and an intense feeling of loss. I had told him that we were of different worlds, and it could have been taken a lot of ways…but did that mean that explaining myself would change everything?

Stopping myself before I got too involved, I scolded myself. Even if it changed everything, I was still a married woman, married to a monster who still held the power to destroy everything I held dear. It wouldn't matter if Jasper declared his undying love for me from the rooftops…Jacob had me wrapped in chains and attached to his little finger.

"_It's hopeless_…" I sighed, clutching my head in my hands.

**Let me know what's going on in your heads, guys...R&amp;R.**


	40. Chapter 40

It was deep into the summer now, but I rarely got to enjoy the sunshine anymore. Jacob's beatings had become more regular now that I wasn't getting pregnant at all…let alone that I had stopped bleeding. I had read, in the past, that depression could do that to a woman, stop her cycle. The body's natural reflex is to shut off anything that could tip the mind out of balance…at least my body was protecting me.

Was I there?

Was I just about ready to crack under the pressure?

What would happen if I did?

No, I would be strong. I would not lose my mind to this man; it was all that I had left. My mind was something he could not touch.

I needed to get outside, I thought to myself. I couldn't be in this house, this house of _hatred_ and _abuse_ for a second longer. Struggling, I managed to get myself off of the sofa, where I had been confined by one of the maids at the beginning of the day. They had all moved to the West Wing of the house and I had my chance…I had been planning it all day. I knew their routine and I would pay handsomely for my misbehaviour when I returned to the house…but Jacob couldn't take much more from me; I had nothing left to give. I wanted to see a friend; I wanted to feel a moment of happiness and hope.

With renewed vigour, I pulled my chair closer to me. I ignored the screaming in my arms from previous damage and hoisted myself into my chair. When it rattled slightly, I paused. If I made too much noise, someone would suspect something. When I heard nothing, I settled myself and shot off the fastest I could towards the door. Since none of the maids or staff thought I was worth my spit, they left the door unlocked and I managed to get out into the field in front of the house.

Jacob was away for at least another week, and I would think about the consequences later. My lungs gasped for the clean, fresh air of the grassy planes and I pushed myself forwards. Despite the grass being a little overgrown, I pushed myself onto the path that was steadily wearing away as my trips became less frequent, and moved as quickly as I could away from that house – _away_ from my _prison_.

I couldn't help but grin at my freedom, and then laugh at myself as I picked up speed. I knew it was dangerous, considering my break had been tampered with since moving into the house with Jacob – so that I couldn't operate it myself very easily – but I was carefree in that moment for the first time in what felt like a lifetime.

That was certainly it…I had lived many lifetimes, some happier than others, some I would recommend to anyone, despite my disability. Some of the happiest times I ever had, I was sat in my wheel chair, or looking down at my legs that didn't move at all.

The ground was uneven underneath me and it jolted me in my chair, but again, I hadn't a care in the world in that moment. Something I had taken for granted so often in my youth – the beauty of the world – seemed to be all I could think about in that moment.

I could see my destination – one I hadn't even consciously chosen myself – coming up only a few feet away. I couldn't help but shed a tear as I saw Abaccus whinnying and playing in the beautiful summer sun. Emotions I had barely felt in the past few months were reeling around my body, and I wanted to savour the moment. I was feeling happiness for the first time in this new lifetime and it was everything.

As I approached, however, I spotted that Abaccus was not playing by himself. I felt disheartened that I may have to share my moment with someone else, but my hopes picked up when I thought about the prospect of it being Alice or Edward.

Getting closer, I saw the sight that I had convinced myself I would never see again.

Jasper was running parallel to Abaccus, his hair flowing in the wind created by his movement. His lithe body was like nothing I had seen before…and I had seen Jasper play with Abaccus many times as a child.

I wanted to stop moving, to act as though I hadn't seen him and head in a different direction, but my chair wouldn't stop moving. _The damn brake!_ I panicked, letting out a scream as I careered towards the gate of Abaccus's pen at a much higher speed than was safe. Barrelling into the side, I felt the chair fold over itself and my body flew from the seat.

Landing roughly on the floor, my head collided with one of the posts and I was sent a little dizzy as I lay on the ground. I wasn't sure which way was up, but I certainly felt my body going that way at some point.

I clutched my aching head, screwing up my eyes as I did so. A familiar scent of leather, firewood and cedar hit me and I realised that I was in the arms of the very man I had been trying to avoid. Opening my eyes slowly, I had my suspicions confirmed when I saw one strong arm around my waist and other on my shoulder to steady me.

"Are you alright?" I heard the thick Southern drawl of the Major ask me softly.

I knew what Jasper was asking. I knew that he was asking about my head, about the accident I had just been involved in, but I took the words too personally. I wasn't alright, and I felt like I would never be alright again.

"No." I answered honestly, shaking my head, letting it fall into his chest. He stiffened for a moment, and I knew I had done the wrong thing, but I didn't care. The last time I had seen Jasper I had insulted him, he had insulted me, and we vowed never to speak again. Now, he was holding me after a head-on collision with a stationary object.

Despite this, I felt his hold tighten on me as his body relaxed and I felt hot tears fall from my eyes and soak into his shirt. I felt the safest I had been in two years, but it would not last, and that's why I cried.

As Jasper placed me back in my chair, gently, I hissed a little at the bruises on my arms hitting the side of the armrests.

"Did you hurt your arm as well?" Jasper asked, furrowing his brow.

"Call it an old sporting injury." I said, wincing through the pain as I folded them into my lap. My head was still spinning, but I had had much worse without medical attention.

"You never played sports." Jasper said suspiciously. He must have thought I was playing it off as nothing for bravado. In a way, I guess he was right. How could he be so right and so wrong at the same time?

"That's the joke." I told him.

"Oh."

There was a long, pregnant pause between us. It must have stretched a while longer than it seemed, because Jasper moved away from me, clearing his throat, and leaned against the fence to the pen.

"Look, Jasper–"

"Bella–"

We spoke at the same time, cutting each other off. He motioned for me to continue and I shook my head and motioned to him. I didn't want to be the first to speak, in case it turned nasty. I didn't think I could take anymore unkind words.

As I watched him consider what he was going to say, his handsome face took me in. He was the same as the last day I had seen him here nearly four years ago…when he had left me the second time. Perhaps he looked a little older, but not enough to mention. He was far from the wreck I had seen him as last and it comforted me to know that he may not be that person anymore. Perhaps he was never that person.

"The man you saw before…it wasn't me. I'm sorry that I acted that way. I should have been happy for you." He said awkwardly, not looking at me as he did so.

I looked down at my hands and tried to hide a smile. He had offered me an olive branch, more than just helping a fallen, disabled, woman get back into her chair. This was an offer of a moment between friends. I bit my lip as I thought about how to reply. I wanted to keep the peace, yet be honest with him.

"I'm sorry I called you chickenshit." I said in a small voice, not looking at him either. He didn't say anything in reply, and the tension was killing me. I had to steal a glance up at him, it would be the only way to break this feeling of unease I had.

When I finally did look up, I saw a reluctant smile on his face as he looked down at me – _really_ looked at me. When he had gotten my attention, he knelt down in front of me and removed his hat from his head.

"A furious argument, two years and a driving accident and that's what you say?" He questioned me, raising his eyebrow. His words didn't fit his look, but they fit him. He was looking at me in amusement and I could help my small smile in return.

"Well, I _am_ sorry." I said, playing with my skirt.

"What world do you live in, Miss Swan?" He asked me, his voice soft. I looked up at him, locking eyes and seeing deep into the ocean before me.

"A dream world, Major Whitlock…you should join me, sometime." I replied carefully.

I could see the emotions run over his face as he went back in time, to a day where we had laughed endlessly and just enjoyed one another's company. How times had changed. He looked down at the floor for a minute before looking back up at me.

"What a fine world you live in, Miss Swan." He said softly.

Tears brimmed in my eyes and I couldn't stop the fat tears from falling as I looked at his beautiful face. A man who could take what I had said to him, a friendship that could survive what ours had…it was a once in a lifetime connection and I never want to let _it_ go again.

"Jasper…" I said, my voice cracking.

He didn't say anything. He simply reached down and picked me up from my chair, wrapping his arms around me as tightly as he could. I responded in kind and held him to me like the lifeline he was. I never wanted to let _him_ go.

**This story really needed some fluff, and some love, so I gave it to you. It really cheered me up to write this part. There's that line again..."what a fine world you live in, Miss Swan"!**


	41. Chapter 41

We said our apologies; they were heart-felt and too long for me to recount. Jasper was truly sorry for how he had behaved, and told me of how he had regretted it from the moment he woke up in the morning. I told him I had felt the same and took everything back. I had meant what I said at the time, but it seemed neither here nor there after everything that had happened.

Jasper didn't need to know of my life now, and I kept the questioning on him and his life. He told me of his life in the army, how it had gotten worse before it got better. Some parts of the country were still brow-beating one another, but he felt as though the War was coming to a close in the next few months and I smiled at the thought. Although we had not been as affected here, in our little bubble, my father had been away for most of my life due to this War, and it was also the cause of me losing my best friend. We only live once, and wasting any time away from one another seemed almost criminal.

I wished I could tell him about what had happened, about Jacob, but it wasn't something you shared with someone you had only just rekindled your friendship with…it was far too serious to be playing games with. For the time that I had been given with Jasper, by God, or Fate, or whatever your belief, I wanted to live _in that moment_ for just a little while longer. My home life was not important when I was with him.

"What will you do when the War is over?" I asked him. He had since moved me from my chair to sit under the tree, as we always had, and I felt at peace there. I could have died that moment, knowing that I had died in a happy place in good company. Perhaps it would have been better that way.

"I'll probably get a respectable job in the pencil-pushing side of the military. They won't have much need for foot soldiers after this." He shrugged. He seemed rather calm about it, and it sedated me slightly to the worries of the world. Jasper was always an optimist; it was something I admired about him. How could I not?

We talked a little more about what Jasper had achieved, and about Peter and Charlotte. Their second child was on the way now, and Charlotte was greatly enjoying motherhood. He smiled whenever he spoke of them and I sensed a real love between them…something that could only be built through life-threatening situations like war.

Eventually, though, the time had come to talk about my life and what had happened in it. I felt myself go stiff at the mention of it, but I couldn't draw suspicion by avoiding the questions directly.

"So…how is married life?" Jasper asked me.

I paused for a long moment, probably too long for someone who was happy in their marriage and Jasper sat up a little straighter, though he was still propped up on his elbow, on his side, watching me closely.

"Different." I said simply, shrugging.

"No children?" He asked. I could have predicted the question, it was something I would have asked, had I heard he had married. But, as he had told me – because I had asked – he hadn't married. Apparently, he 'hadn't found the right gal'. I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but I was in no position to judge him.

"No." I replied simply again. He furrowed his brow, apparently confused before seeming to click onto the message I was giving out.

"I'm sorry." He said, sitting up properly and looking down at his hands. "I din't think–"

"It's no skin off of my nose. I have all that I need in Renee and Seth." I told him, cutting the conversation short…or so I thought.

"What about Mr Rosier?" He asked, a bitter tone to his voice, which I ignored. I only noticed it because I also had it when I spoke of the vile man.

"He wants children very badly…but, if it was that important to him, he wouldn't have picked a _lame_ wife." I said, forgetting myself as I spat the words.

"Bella!" Jasper said, looking at me very seriously. "What's gotten into you? You ain't never talked like that 'bout yourself." He said, intently watching me as I replied. "At least not like that."

I knew my face was showing too much, and I couldn't protect him from everything that was happening – I just didn't have to tell the whole truth. I shook my head.

"Sometimes, he gets frustrated. That's all." I offered by way of explanation.

"He shouldn't speak to you like that." Jasper said sounding slightly outraged. "Why do you let him? Or don't you?" He questioned me. I felt pressured and it made my eyes well up again. "Tell me you fight."

_Don't do this to me, Jasper. I can't tell you._ I loved Jasper dearly, and he knew that, no amount of time would change it…but this was about more than him and me. He knew me so well that, if he pushed enough, he would find out. I trusted him with my life, but when it was supposedly threatened I wasn't sure how he would react. I couldn't risk my father and Edward's family like that.

"We have heated discussions about it. Sometimes, he makes me feel worthless." I said. _There, that was an acceptable answer_. It wasn't too far from the truth, but it still opened up for Jasper to give me some advice for the future. What would he suggest?

"Don't let him do that to you, Bells." He said, placing his hand under my chin so that I had no choice but to look at him. His deep, ocean blue eyes bore into mine; they were unforgiving and serious. "There's something you're not telling me." He said.

I opened my mouth a few times to start a sentence, but I never finished it…or even made a sound. I simply _couldn't_ risk my family and friends like he was asking me to. I wanted _help_, I wanted to _save_ myself, but _I_ wasn't what was important in all of this. I had to get this through my thick skull.

"Married life just isn't what I expected." I said, placing my hand on his and pushing it away from my chin. It wasn't right for him to touch me like that; I was a married woman – happily or not. I returned my eyes to the grass beneath us and fought back the tears. "I've missed you a lot." I said, sniffing.

"I know I'm an ass, Bells. But I've missed you too." He said. I looked up at him, and I knew he hadn't let this go, but for now at least, he was going to comfort me like a friend should.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and he pulled me close. We knew what we were doing was wrong. Especially after I had removed his hands from me, but I couldn't help myself. I was not chaperoned, my husband didn't know where I was, and I was in the arms of another man in a way no one would deem proper…but bollocks to them! For the first time in years, I felt genuine safety and happiness in the company of another and I wasn't going to give it up easily.

It was hard to say goodbye that day, but Jasper had promised to meet me in the early hours of the morning and spend the entire day with me tomorrow, should I want to. He had been visiting Abaccus regularly, when he was home, and it was a wonder I had not seen him before. He asked me if I minded…and I didn't at all. In some way or another, I owed that horse my happiness – everything good that had come in my life stemmed from that horse and the people it attracted. He was my own lucky charm.

When I returned home that day, the staff had scarcely missed me. Apparently, they had no knowledge of me having left the house and I felt a swell of pride in my actions. Someone was on my side, either up top or down below, I wasn't sure. Whoever it was, I was beyond grateful to them.

I had my ray of sunshine back…and God knows I needed it in this time of darkness. He had saved my from myself once before…why could he not do it again?

Jasper and I had spent the week together, every day for all of the hours that the sun was up. We had laughed, and talked, and I had cried a few times, but I had never felt closer to him than in this moment.

We lay together on the grass, watching Abaccus, our own little omen, and paid little mind to the goings-on around us. My wounds from the accident, and Jacob, had begun to heal and I barely winced anymore at the movement of getting in and out of my chair. We had done everything in the past few days, including riding once again. It felt good to be so close to Jasper and to trust him completely once more. I only rode now when I was with Jasper; it had always been that way since my accident…but I wouldn't change a thing about that rule.

I lay on Jasper's chest, watching him as he enjoyed the sun, his hat over his face to stop him squinting. We had travelled a little behind the pen to a hill that was hidden from both houses and was on the cusp of the forest…I had never been disturbed here in all of my childhood and my time with Jasper so many summer's ago. We could be as we were here. I knew it was wrong to be with Jasper as I was, to have him hold me as he did…but it was uncontrollable and so natural. Since the second day, we had spent most of our time like this.

I looked at the man beside me, and the beauty of his face and body…but I could also feel like I saw his soul. His soul was so pure, and so beautiful, that it hurt me to be away from him.

"You're gonna' burn holes in my face if ya' keep starin'." Jasper said from under his hat. I couldn't help but chuckle, but I said nothing as I positioned myself a little higher, so that I was looking down at him.

I reached over and lifted his hat slightly, looking into his eyes as he opened them to see what I was doing.

"What are yer' doin' now?" He asked in his thick Southern drawl, letting out a wide smile when I shrugged. "That's not very smart of you, Miss Swan." He said, sitting up and rolling us over faster than I had imagined. He was now laying half on top of me, yet used none of his weight…but I found myself _wanting_ him to.

I gripped the hat on top of my head to make sure it stayed in place, but the damn thing had tangled in the clips in my hair.

"I always hated these things." He said, reaching over me and pulling the hat from my head. He worked quickly, and gently, to remove the clips holding up my hair and it fell into a mass of curls around me, spilling into the grass.

"Better?" I asked.

"Beautiful." He said. He looked surprised at the word he had used, but seemed to roll with it, which made me smile even wider.

"Imagine a world where women could wear their hair down everyday."

"And wear men's trousers to train horses." He added softly, with a smirk, his face getting closer to mine.

"And rude little boys could point out rude little girls in white dresses."

"What a fine world that sounds, Miss Swan." He said, his eyes flicking to my lips ever so slightly. With each word, his voice grew softer.

A comfortable silence fell between us as we looked at each other. We were so close now that looking at anything but his lips would cause me to go cross-eyed. I knew it was wrong of me before I did it, but my soul screamed for me to take a chance on love.

I pushed my head forwards that last inch and connected our lips in a way they had never touched before. His lips were softer than any I had felt, with a fine layer of facial hair tickling my face. I pulled my face back, about to regret what I had done when Jasper's hand pushed my head back to his and our lips crashed together again. I cared none as his mouth began to move against mine, in a way I had never experienced before. I didn't need to think as I kissed Jasper, it came naturally to me as I rested my hand on his face and ran my fingers through his hair.

We kissed for what felt like forever, and yet no time at all. When we parted, we looked at one another, dazed from the lack of air and yet caring less and less as the seconds dragged on.

"What a fine world indeed, Miss Swan." He murmured before connecting our lips again, letting his hands trail down the sides of my body. His fingers sent electric currents around my body, sparking feeling in my legs – or at least the illusion. If my toes could, they would curl at his touch.

As he cupped the side of my body, his thumb barely grazing my chest, the sparks flew across areas I didn't even know were sensitive and I let out a moan. Jasper let his tongue tease my lips before flicking mine with his. This was an entirely new experience for me, but one I never wanted to finish. It seemed so sensual, yet loving, at the same time.

My body craved for more of Jasper's touch, but he stopped before my body wanted it, and I came away panting. Looking to Jasper, he was much the same. His cheeks were flushed as he looked down at me. I felt his hand stroke my hair as he cupped my face.

"I love you, Bells." He murmured. It was so soft; I barely heard it with my heart pounding in my ears. When I didn't respond, he ran his thumb over my swollen lips and said it again.

"Jasper…"

"I _know_ you're married, I _know_ I missed my chance…I was scared. I was a coward that night and every moment until now." He said, trailing off as his hand traced my collarbone. It caused me to shiver. "But I couldn't let you go on thinking you were the only one to feel this way. I've loved you since the day you fell over that goddamn fence." He said, letting out a small laugh.

"I can do it again, if you want." I laughed with him, but my voice was barely above a whisper as I brushed my lips against his, resting my forehead against his. My eyes were closed, but I could remember every line of his face as my thumb ran across his cheek. "I love you." I said.

He connected our lips again and we spent another immeasurable moment tasting one another and feeling what our bodies had craved for years passed.

"Would you have me, knowing what you do?" Jasper asked when our lips disconnected again. "I don't have the riches _he_ has, Bella, but I can see that you're not happy. _Run away with me_, we could be happy." He said, kissing long my jaw slowly and down my neck. "Be mine." He murmured into my neck.

I barely held in a moan, as my body was set alight by the man I loved. I wanted nothing more than to run away with him…to take all I had and run with him to the ends of the Earth, but it wasn't my choice to make.

"I'd sell my soul to be able to." I told him, letting out a gasp as he lightly bit my neck. This was what making love was supposed to feel like, with the person you loved, and he had barely touched me. My entire body was in tune with his, reacting to every touch as though he were sending electricity through me.

For now, the talking had stopped and Jasper moved to a more physical conversation. He kissed along my collarbone and neck until every section had felt his lips…but it still wasn't enough. I ran my fingers through his hair, gripping it tightly whenever I got a shockwave of feeling from his administrations.

"Jasper, please…" I sighed, running my hands over his shoulders as my back arched into his touch. He slid his arm underneath me and held me to him, running his other hand down between my covered chest and stomach.

"What, Bella?" He murmured, kissing my ear softly.

"Make love to me." I practically begged. I didn't even feel stupid saying things like that, for it seemed to set him alight as he began to pop the buttons of my dress at the front.

Far from a fast affair, I wanted to enjoy this moment with him. He undressed me slowly; kissing every piece of skin that became visible to him with each layer. I felt his hands everywhere and yet not enough places at the same time. As he reached my corset, he looked at me very pointedly. In this moment, I was committing forgivable offences…but to let another man besides my husband see my body, and take it for his own, was something unforgivable in the eyes of God.

"Fuck everyone else." I said as I kissed him and I heard him moan as he ground himself into me.

"I've never been a fan of women swearing, Miss Swan, but you certainly know the right time to." He murmured in my ear as he removed my corset and I lay there, chest bare, for all of nature to see. The only person I cared about seeing me was my Jasper.

My Major.

My love.

My heart.

My all.

At first glance, he seemed shocked and I felt self-conscious, covering myself with my arms.

"Don't you _dare_ steal this sight away from me, girl." He said, playfully, as he lifted my arms and pinned them above my head. "I've thought of every way I could have you, and what you might look like…nothing could compare."

I felt his lips move down my throat and across my collarbone again. His hair brushed my chest softly, adding another sensation and it caused me to writhe underneath him. Without warning, his mouth captured one of the peaks of my breast and I arched into him. I wasn't sure how it worked, but I cared very little for the science in that moment, as every swirl of his tongue shot straight to between my legs.

"Jasper…" I let out a moan and he seemed to get even more excited and ground into me again. My breathing picked up at that and he grinned up at me, slowly releasing my peak from his mouth. I had never seen such a sight in my life and it did things to me I'd never imagined.

He watched me carefully as he leg go of my wrists and used both hands to remove my underwear, not being able to help himself from running his hands up my pale thighs. I could almost feel it and I certainly felt it when he parted my legs. The breeze washed over my slick folds and I had never felt anything like it. His mouth descended before I could even think straight, or stop him, but once he was there I wouldn't have dared. I had never heard of such a thing, to put your mouth to another's sex, but as his tongue moved around me – and tasted me – I thought of why not.

My back arched as I thrust my hips into his mouth without shame. I had never felt this way and it scrambled my brain to think of a world without it now. I could feel a tensing in my stomach and it frightened me slightly until Jasper looked up at me. His eyes connected with mine, and the sight of him buried in my thatch of curls sent me over the edge. I cried out as waves of pleasure washed over me, causing my body to twitch and my lips to move uncontrollably. He kept working me throughout and it seemed to only get better. I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood when he gave my sensitive sex a final lick.

"What was that?" I asked, panting heavily.

"My gift to you." He said, reaching for his belt. I placed my hand on his to stop him and he looked at me, confused. I had asked for him to make love to me, and he had already showed me a world of feeling I didn't know existed…I could understand his confusion. I didn't want to stop him; I simply had a request.

"You're fully clothed." I said by way of explanation and he flushed slightly, settling down over my body to cover me. I was warm, but I felt better having my naked body covered by him.

"I didn't want to scare you. I have a lot of scars, Bells." He said, kissing my stomach softly. He was trying to distract me.

"I could never be frightened of you." I told him.

He seemed to give up the argument as a soft look crossed his features. I watched as he sat up and pulled his shirt over his head. I watched his muscles move with the action and I had that same feeling of electricity when I saw him fully. He had defined muscles, and his skin was a creamy white, as I had always known. It was true, he was covered with little scars that would cause suspicion, if not explained. But, this was _my Jasper_; I accepted everything about him.

I sat up. As he was on his knees, it bought me level with his abdomen and there was one of the larger scars there. I sat forward and inspected it, running my finger over it lightly. Considering it's position, his reaction wasn't surprising. He let out a sigh and I thought it was annoyance until I looked up to see his head thrown back.

"What's this one from?" I asked.

He looked down at me and ran his hand through my hair.

"A bullet from one of the rookies getting too trigger-happy." He told me. He watched me intently as I leaned forwards and kissed it softly. I found another, a little lower down and asked again. "A Yankee blade." He said.

This one was a little longer than the first and I kissed it several times, reaching his low waistband and flicking my tongue out to taste him. The small matting of hair informed me that Jasper was, indeed, a natural blonde. I wasn't sure what had caused my sudden bout of confidence, but Jasper seemed to like it as he pushed me down to the ground quickly and kissed me ferociously. It wasn't cruel, or stealing, it was pure _need_ and _desire_ overcoming him.

"You're a vixen. A _dangerous_ vixen. You own my heart, and now you control my body." He told me and I giggled. He smiled at me as he removed his trousers and underwear. I felt him position himself at my entrance, but he looked at me for a moment. "Is this what you want?" He asked, pushing himself towards me slightly to make sure I knew what he meant.

"_You_ are what I want." I whispered, clutching his face and wiping his hair out of his eyes. "Make me yours." I murmured to him. These three words were his undoing as he gripped my shoulders and entered me slowly.

Jasper was quite a bit larger than Jacob, but I didn't feel any pain. It was uncomfortable in the beginning, as always, but Jasper did what Jacob didn't…he waited for me to adjust before he began to move. Immediately, I felt the same tightness in my stomach begin to build and I found myself clawing at his back and moaning his name.

As we made love in that field, we kept mentioning our devotion to one another, whispering sweet nothings and the occasional lewd comment…but it fit the two of our conjoined bodies, and us – the world outside ceased to exist.

**I know this is a massive chapter...but you all deserve it for getting this far. I know this is an upsetting story and deals with very sensitive topics. But I did warn you...**


	42. Chapter 42

Jasper laid his jacket over me as we lay, basking in the afterglow of our lovemaking. I was half laid on his chest when he decided to burst the bubble we hade created.

"What are those marks on your arm, Bella?"

I tensed for a moment, freezing in place. Jasper had noticed the bruises, of course he had, and they were hardly indistinctive. I could see the handprints of Jacob on my own upper arms and I was sure Jasper had a few ideas of his own.

"And before you lie to me, think of what we just shared. I'm done with the guessing games, darlin'." He said very seriously.

As he lay there, in all of his naked glory, I felt myself sadden at the realisation that this would be all we could ever have; stolen kisses and sordid meetings on my Daddy's land…_hiding_ from the world, from my _husband_. But, if those were the breaks of what it took to keep Jasper then I would do it for the rest of my life without complaint.

"The maids at the house aren't used to handling me yet." I told him. I shook my head internally at my lie, for it sounded so real and true. I hated to lie to him, I hated that he asked me to tell him the truth and I fed him lies.

"It's been two years…" He said suspiciously. "Haven't you spoke to them, or your Daddy? I'm sure there's someone else you could hire, Bella. Those look painful." He asked, furrowing his brow.

"It's just built up. They handle me everyday over small bruises, and they just mount up. Really, Jasper, they're nice people…and they need their jobs." I said, ending the discussion as I pushed myself up into a sitting position. The glory of our moment was ruined with reality, at least for me.

He watched me for a moment as I reached for my corset. The sun was beginning to set and Jacob would be back soon. As free as I had been this past week, I would have more than a few days of _house arrest_ before I could return to Jasper.

"I'm sorry. It ain't my place." Jasper suddenly murmured in my ear, kissing along my bare shoulder with his warm, soft lips. I closed my eyes and rested my head against his, savouring the last of our skin-on-skin touch. "Just promise me you'll talk to them about it…or even Mr Rosier." I could hear how strained Jasper's voice was to mention my husband, he refused to call him by his name and that bitter tone to his voice was always present. I sighed.

"I will." I said, turning my head to look at him.

"Promise me." He said intensely, trying to trap me in my words.

"I promise." I said, kissing his lips softly.

Jasper helped me to dress, and he was so gentle…his hands were rough from the work he did, but I had never felt a touch so silky against my skin, I barely felt him on me as he lightly did up my corset.

"I refuse to strangle yer' body with this. It's perfect as it is." He told me as he ran his fingers over the corset. I hoped that my dress would still fit, for I liked being able to breathe, finally, in my clothes. "Of course, I prefer you with nothing at all." He chuckled into my ear before grabbing my dress and slipping it over my head.

I smiled to myself, biting my lip. Jasper said things that set me alight, and should have made me demand respect from him…but I felt no disrespect in his admirations. Jasper had fallen in love with me, with the person I was, and had made love to me because I had asked. He had not seen my body and wanted me, he had seen my body and still wanted my soul, to cherish…_that_ I would gladly give to him and no one else.

We said our goodbyes sweetly, I had said goodbye to Abaccus as well. When I had told him that I couldn't see him for a few days, his panic had shown. I assured him that it wasn't because of what we had done, but that Jacob, Mr Rosier, was returning tonight and wouldn't leave again until the Sunday. Four days I would spend away from Jasper and it already seemed an unimaginable pain…but we had done longer.

Jasper promised to come and see Abaccus for at least a few hours each day, and I thanked him for that. I looked sadly to my old friend, who was now past ten years-old, and still so full of life. He needed to be ridden, he needed to be able to perform for someone…not just there to occasionally ride or go and talk to. I furrowed my brow as I thought about it, but quickly had my mind taken off it as I came up towards the house.

It seemed ominous in its size now; eerie in the twilight and I struggled my way up to the front door. As I had for the past week, I opened the door and silently entered before wheeling myself back to the place where I had been left every morning since Jacob had left.

As if by some miracle, or curse, a maid came into the room as I had settled myself into the chair. I had seen her before, but only a few times. She hair wispy blonde hair that she tied back into a tight bun every time I had seen her, and her uniform was pristine at all times.

She walked past me and moved my chair back to where it had been before. I tensed, still holding my book in my hands, but watching her with the eyes of a hawk.

"Fine day outside, Miss." She said offhandedly.

I was shocked; this was the first time that any of the satff had started a conversation with me, let alone a mundane comment on the weather, and I watched her carefully as she ran her cloth over the wheels of my slightly muddy chair.

My heart was pounding in my chest as I watched her. My chair, to her knowledge, had not been outside this week, and she looked at me curiously as she did so.

"It is." I said, looking out of the large parlour window.

"'Tis a shame you couldn't enjoy it." She said simply before leaving the room, and leaving me alone.

I watched her go in awe. This girl knew something, she had cleaned the evidence away for me and had even spoken to me…it was a code of her keeping my secret. I furrowed my brow for a moment, considering why she might do that for me – fearing my husband, as all the staff did.

A small smile graced my lips as I heard her footsteps retreating down the hallway and I placed my hand over my mouth lightly. They were still slightly swollen. I let myself have this moment, of feeling like _someone_ was on my side and that my life would get better.

Perhaps I _could_ have my own little form of happiness in this _twisted_ _world_ that once seemed so hopeless.


	43. Chapter 43

"Wife!" Jacob called as he entered the house. I froze in place, lowering my book to my lap and turning my head in the direction he would appear. My heart was pounding, but out of fear, nothing like the heart pounding I had felt over the past few days.

It was different to what I had been feeling all afternoon, and as the night drew in, and the day staff headed home for the night, I was left alone to greet the man I called my husband.

"In here." I said in a small voice, hoping to God that he was drunk. I knew he had returned from South Carolina in the early afternoon, but had been at an acquaintances until now.

Looking at the clock, it was nearly eight o'clock; I had eaten my dinner alone and been thankful for that last supper of peace.

Jacob stumbled into the room, reeking of liquor and I felt a sense of relief. Whenever he was drunk, he would usually take me to bed with the intention of violating me, but pass out before he had the chance. He had never learned _moderation_, and for that I was thankful.

"Where are you, damn cripple?" He muttered, looking around the room. The large chairs in the parlour often swallowed my small frame and I had to clear my throat to draw his attention to me. "Ah, _there_ you are." He said, making his way over to me. My nose curled as the smell of alcohol invaded my senses. "Come to bed with me, darling." He said, holding his hand out for me. "Oh, my mistake." He chuckled darkly, leaning against my chair. "Would you like some help, _dear_?" He mocked.

"I can do it myself, thank you." I said, leaning over towards the chair. He pushed it out of my reach, keeping hold of it.

"Trying to be a smart mouth today, are we?" He said, sneering down at me.

I felt my stomach churn at just conversing with this man. I hated myself for thinking I could ever love such a cold human being…he had tricked me, he had studied the way I thought from my books – all for my father's money. From the smell of him, he seemed to be enjoying spending it and I looked away from him. I had been a fool in my past, but I would suffer him no more.

I would remain his wife…most likely until I died, but my heart would never be his, my mind would never be his and my soul was my own to share with whom I chose. I felt a sense of triumph over the fact that he was not the one to touch my body this afternoon, that he was not the one to hold me close and hear that I loved him. I had defied him, and our marriage, and I felt victory from that. I would not be caged by him anymore.

He could do what he wanted with my body – violate it, beat it, but my spirit with always be free…_from this day forward, dear husband._


	44. Chapter 44

Jacob had indeed fallen asleep immediately after getting me to bed; he had given up once my dress would not yield to his drunken fumbling. For the entire night, I slept with a peaceful mind and a smile on my face. I savoured the areas that had not been cleansed of Jasper's touch…or ruined by my poisonous letch of a husband.

Thursday and Friday got more difficult, and I felt my resolve begin to waver as Jacob finally had his wicked way with me. I had not cried; I never gave him the satisfaction anymore. He had done away with the pleasantries of facing me as he took me, of looking into my pained eyes, as he stole what wasn't his. Now, I was thrown on my front and taken from behind, like a bitch on a farm. He often liked to tell me that as he spilled his dark seed into me, leaving with threats to conceive or I would find myself on the street with my father.

I worried for myself in that time, more than was probably acceptable, but I wasn't ready to leave Jasper. Before seeing him a fortnight ago, for the first time in two years, I had been ready to die. I could have passed in my sleep and found it a release from my unhappy life…but I didn't want that anymore. I wanted to keep fighting, I wanted to endure what Jacob gave me – all that he gave me – for those sweet moments with my love.

Sometimes I thought of how I sounded like a lovesick girl, unable to accept reality…and in a way, that was exactly what was happening. My mind had been taken over by the sweetest of insanities, the kindest of hysterias and I welcomed it gladly.

On the Saturday, a day early than planned, Jacob left with little words to me. I cherished the moment that the front door closed and watched him out of the window on the ground floor. He wouldn't return for two weeks and I would spend every second I could with Jasper.

Grinning, I wheeled myself through the corridor, taking enough time to ensure that Jacob would have reached his carriage, and set off towards Abaccus's pen.

I arrived to a pen void of other human beings, void of my Jasper, and I felt panic rise in my throat. Where was he? _He said he would be here_.

"Didn't anyone tell ya' that stress is bad for ya'?" I turned to see the dazzling smile of Jasper coming from Abaccus's stable. I released a breath I hadn't known I was holding and wheeled myself as close to the gate as I could. "No roarin' entrance today, Miss Swan?" He asked, looking deep into my eyes.

"What kind of technique would that be, if you were always expecting it?" I asked, raising my brow at him. He let out a hearty chuckle and hopped over the fence, coming to crouch in front of me.

"I 'spose I'll have to always be ready to help, Ma'am." He said, taking my hand in his.

"It would only be logical." I agreed, smiling back at him.

The day was just as magical as the many before had been. I wondered to myself whether this feeling would ever waver, whether I would find myself seeing less excitement in my Jasper and what he had to offer. As I glanced at him, riding Abaccus around the pen with a grin on his face, I thought of the boy I had known when I was only a young girl…of the friendship we had even then. Eleven years, I had loved this man…and I doubted that I would ever get enough of him.

He called my attention as he jumped Abaccus and performed routines from the military that he had once promised to show me. I watched him with awe and I could see the Major within him. He was a fine spectacle as I sat under the tree, writing in my notepad. My writer's block had waned and I could finally move on to the next chapter of Renee's wonderful adventures with her lover, John. Jasper had commented about the name, but I had simply smiled at him and shooed him away…my words were not for prying eyes until I deemed it perfect. I doubted that Jacob would let me publish another book, for it meant independence away from him. However, it would bring him more money, and I knew that it would pull at his greedy nature, and so I continued to write.

As the sun hit it's highest point in the sky, I saw Jasper coming towards me, holding Abaccus's saddle. He placed it in the stables before collapsing onto the ground beside me.

I rolled my eyes at his dramatic nature; he had only been riding a horse. Before I could say anything, however, he pulled me across his body and draped me over his lap. I looked up at him in a daze for a moment before repositioning his wonky hat and running my fingers through his golden hair.

"What are you thinkin' 'bout? He asked, moving a stray curl from my face.

"You." I said honestly. I saw no reason for shyness and awkwardness around Jasper now – we had shared all of ourselves with each other, given ourselves to each other and everything else was pennies in comparison.

"What 'bout me?" He asked, furrowing his brow, yet smiling.

"What a narcissistic question, Major Whitlock." I said, grinning at him as he held me closer, resting my cheek against his head. He played with the lace on my dress.

"Curiosity is not a sin, Miss Swan." He said, intertwining our hands.

I paused, thinking on what I had decided that morning and then let a smile spread across my lips. Jasper waited patiently, as he always did when I thought, and I looked at our hands. His were rough, covered in calluses, yet held the gentlest touch I had ever experienced. Mine, weak and silky, fit within his like a flower protected from storms by tough foliage. I felt like that with Jasper, that he kept the storms away from me, even if he couldn't stop them.

"I want you to have Abaccus." I murmured, still looking at our hands.

He turned his head to look at me, his eyes confused and shocked. I looked back down at our hands and began to explain.

"He needs to be ridden, Jasper. He's had a good life, but not the life he should have had. What happened to me, no one could have predicted, and he didn't deserve that." I said, talking of how I couldn't ride him as I once had. "But he is a dear friend of mine…and my lucky totem." I told him.

"Lucky totem?" He questioned.

"Abaccus has always been the reason for happiness in my life…it was the one decision that I've made that I would never change. He bought Alice and Edward together, you and I…several times, _as many times as it takes_!" I let out a chuckle as Jasper caught me from falling back in my excitement. "He's done all of this for everyone else…and yet, has asked for nothing in return." I said, my voice going soft again. "You and I raised him from a foal, into the fine stallion he has become." I said, looking up to assess how he was taking this. I saw a flicker of love, some flakes of gratitude and a whole heap of understanding in his eyes. "He's a fine horse, who needs a fine rider." I said, looking to Abaccus grazing in his favourite spot. "Seeing you with him today, it only reaffirmed what I already knew to be true." I finished, looking back to our hands. "He belongs with you."

There was a moment's pause between us, a comfortable silence that I knew would end with Jasper either accepting my gift, or reasoning with me on why that wasn't right, even if I wouldn't agree with him.

As I waited, I felt Jasper's lips connect with my cheek, moulding to my flesh and I smiled at the contact. Butterflies fluttered within me and electricity crackled around us. How could such an innocent touch give me such feelings?

"You give so much, and ask so little." Jasper said, sounding more profound than I had ever heard him. I turned my attention to his face and saw only love and devotion there. "In an ideal world, I would have you for my wife. I wouldn't have waited all of this time, wasted all of those years…" He sighed, stroking my cheek.

I felt my heart swell and nearly burst at his words. I had never heard words of such commitment and love come from him and it made all the difference. I smiled down at him as tears built in my eyes…they were not happy, or sad, they were filled with too many emotions for my body to hold, and they overflowed.

"What world do you live in, Major Whitlock?" I asked, a small laugh escaping me, through the tears, as I stroked his face.

I knew he was real, but I could scarcely believe it. How could such a man exist? How could such a man exist and _love_ me? I had my fair share of darkness, but my life had been happier than anyone else could imagine when the time was right.

"A dream world, Miss Swan. You should join me, sometime." He smiled, his voice thick as his lips crashed to mine.

There, under _our tree_, in _our dream world_, we consummated our love for the second time.

What a fine world we lived in.


	45. Chapter 45

I would go as far to say that the next two weeks were the finest of my life. Jasper took care of Abaccus like he had never been cared for before. Some days, I would ride with him and we would laugh, and play, and others I would just watch him live his life. Sometimes, we would simply hold one another and bask in the summer sun that was slowly moving to autumn.

Jasper told me of his plans to leave Houston for a final expedition to end the War. He had been called in as a matter of urgency and didn't know when he would be returning. My heart ached at the thought of my sun leaving my life once more, but it would be different this time.

This time, I _would_ wait for him. I would wait until I was old and grey, with no more time left to be with him but a day. I would die one day, what did it matter if it was tomorrow or eighty years from now…I had loved and lost in my short life, but the taste of happiness would never be washed from my tongue. The future was not set in stone, but the present that I lived was all one person could ask for.

"Will you write to me?" I asked him as we sat under _our tree_ and watched the sun set. Jacob would be home soon, but I clung to the moment, unwilling to let it go. Jasper would be leaving before Jacob would, and we had decided to say our goodbyes today. _After all, it isn't goodbye_.

"Every week." He said. "The mail service be damned." He grinned. I smiled back at him, taking his hand in mine. I knew his promises were true, but not everything was under his control.

"I will wait." I told him softly. "I will be here when you return."

"How long will you wait?"

"A lifetime if I have to." I told him, my words dripped with promise. "Even longer if I can."

He took my chin in his strong grasp and I leaned into his touch. He smiled down at me. He didn't need to say anything as his lips descended on mine. We had made love more times than I could remember over our time and I would savour those memories for the rest of my life. In world filled with so much pain, it did me well to remember what I lived for.

Our goodbye was sorrowful, though we did not swear love or fealty to one another…we acted as though we were going to see one another tomorrow. I knew we wouldn't, but the word 'goodbye' held so much finality that we avoided it completely. He mounted Abaccus, as I had insisted that he take him with him…he was a fast horse and would bring him luck in the War, I was sure of it. He rode off as we parted ways and I savoured every image of him that I could before setting off back to Hell. It was only for a little while longer, only until Jasper returned.

**And so, Jasper leaves again...let me know how it made you feel. R&amp;R**


	46. Chapter 46

A week turned into a month, and a month turned into six, and Jasper was still away at War. What had changed, though, was that he had written to me religiously since he had been gone. He did not share any information on the War, meaning I had no idea when he would come home, and I figured that that was the price for being able to send me so many letters. They would take longer than a week to arrive, but they would come at regular intervals. I would write back just as often.

His script had gotten better, his spelling and grammar were improving and I felt a swell of pride at how far he had come. My Jasper.

_My Dearest Bells, _

_Abaccus has been received well by my men; Peter has taken a fancy to him. You were right; he is a good luck totem. He's a fan of the rain as much as I am not, but I humour him for the sake of morale. _

_It ain't been long since I last saw you, but I feel the same as I did the first day I saw you. I hope this letter finds you well, and I hear back from you soon. I love you. _

_Yours, _

_Major J. Whitlock._

I read over one of the first letters he had sent and smiled, I was happy to know that Abaccus was getting on well in the War and was not harmed. Then again, this was the lucky horse that bought happiness wherever it went. I chuckled at the thought as it crossed my mind.

Jacob had been home more often than not the past few weeks and it had displaced me slightly. Where the young maid who had once helped me, Angela as I came to find out, it hadn't sparked a revolution within the staff. I still struggled to take myself to the bathroom, and to change, but I came to no ill-treatment from them as of late.

My father had been taken ill a few months back, and I had been allowed to stay in the house with him as Jacob set off on business. It had been a frightening experience, but my strong-willed father had pulled through. He was taking his life a little easier now, though he still travelled. Alice and Edward had helped me care for him, and I had even stayed with them for a short while. It was wonderful to experience a happier style of life than I was used to and I considered the idea that the past two years had been the worst of it…perhaps Jacob was softening.

I still went to see Edward, Alice, Renee and Seth once a week, as I always had, and they welcomed me with open arms each time. They had noticed a spark to me that had been vacant before and it warmed their hearts to see me playing with Renee and Seth once more. Renee was growing so fast! Eight years old, and she was already reading to me for an hour whenever I saw her…she wanted to be a writer, like me.

Seth was no farther behind, as he hit six years old and began following in his father's footsteps, into horses. I had asked Edward if he wanted more for his son, but he had answered that he only wanted to see him happy. I had accepted his answer as law, his children were his life and he had built up enough status to leave them as very wealthy when he passed on. I didn't like to think of it, but Edward was very serious about protecting his children, even after death. It was that kind of devotion that I held for them, as well. Should anything happen, _I_ would always be there for as long as I could hold on.

It was spring now, and the flowers were beginning to bloom in the garden. I watched them out of the window, swaying in the breeze. A smile graced my face as I placed my book in my lap and got my pen and paper out. As I began to write, describing what I saw in front of me, I heard footsteps behind me.

When nothing was said, and no more movement was made, I became suspicious and turned to glance behind me. I jumped slightly, seeing a very close figure barely a foot back from me, but I heard apologies immediately.

"I'm sorry, Miss!" Angela said, gathering herself and heading to rush out of the room.

"Wait…" I said. She stopped in her tracks and turned to face me, folding her hands in front of her and looking at the floor in shame. It was as though she expected me to scold her for simply being curious. "What is it?" I asked.

She looked up at me through her lashes, looking as shy as she was small and I felt a pang of regret for making her feel like that. As I turned myself in my chair to face her, she stood a little straighter. I was still waiting for her answer.

"I just wondered…what you were writin'." She said, her drawl obvious. I was taken aback by her words and stumbled over my own.

"Well…erm…I'm writing for my book." I told her.

"More about Renee?" She asked.

I was suspicious for a moment, and I think it showed on my face. The last time someone had mentioned my book to me, like that, it had not ended well for me. I didn't like to be an assuming person, but I learned from my mistakes and guarded myself more than ever.

"How do you know that?" I asked, looking at my paper for a second. I had not written her name, so she would not have read it over my shoulder.

"It's nothing, Miss." She said, shaking her head and attempting to leave.

"Angela." I called her in the voice of a Miss. I didn't often use this voice, but it was certainly warranted here. I wouldn't have her walking off from me at such a pivotal part of the conversation.

There was a long pause between us, a battle of wills. What did I have to lose against a girl that I wasn't sure I could trust? She had showed me kindness once, but I had been tricked before. She seemed to lose her resolve and tears built in her eyes.

"I stole the books from the Master's office. I'm _sorry_, Miss. I'll return them." She said, a tear falling from her eyes. "One of the other girls mentioned you were a writer…and I was curious…_please_, don't tell the Master." She said, shaking her head at me.

I was completely shocked by her admission, I had hoped she would break down and tell me the truth, but I hadn't expected it to be that. I watched, as she got emotional, and wiped her tears away roughly. It was something I had done many times. She looked at the floor, not meeting my eyes, and I felt pity well up in my heart for her. 

Bringing my chair about, turning away from her, I watched her screw her eyes shut in a pained look. I wheeled myself around the chair and situated myself at the table so that I could pour myself a glass of lemonade. Angela watched me closely. When I set the jug down, I looked at the glass.

"I don't condone stealing. Please, return the books to my husband's study." I told her, not looking her way.

She nodded and turned to leave.

"_After_ you've finished with them." I added, looking at her. She locked eyes with me and I saw the shock first, then gratitude, and then a small smile cross her face.

I expected her to leave then as I sipped my lemonade, but she stayed in the doorway. I could feel the pregnant silence and I set my glass down on the table, sitting back in my chair and folding my hands into my lap.

"Pardon my asking, Miss, and _do_ tell me if I'm speaking out of term…" She trailed off, looking down at her fingernails. I gave her my full attention and nodded. I was curious as to what she was going to ask. "Does Renee ever get back to her lover?" She asked.

I smiled at the question; it was far more innocent than I had expected and it warmed my heart to see her eyes so wide in fascination as I spoke.

"Where are you in her life?" I asked her.

"Her nameless lover just left…he promised to return, but she's done so much and it's been so long…" She trailed off. _Ah, so she's where I am as well_. I was impressed that the girl had read all of my books and wondered what happened next; she wanted to pick my brain for what was in store for her favourite character. I smiled at her.

"Do you think he will come back to her?" I asked her.

"He doesn't even have a name; no one knows about him." She said, tilting her head to the side in the universal sign for being unsure.

"What has a name, or notoriety, got to do with true love?" I asked her outright. She looked at me in confusion for a moment before pursing her lips together. She was thinking hard, and I allowed her all of the time she needed.

"In a land of pretend or real life, Miss?" She asked. I had not expected her to come back with this and it bought a smile to my face.

"What's to say a fantasyland cannot be real?" I asked, sitting back in my chair a little more as I watched her. She moved forwards, her interest getting the better of her as she took a seat opposite me.

"Would her father ever accept him?" She asked.

"Would he have to?" I shot back. "Renee has travelled the world, seen all there is to see and more…she has defied all odds, why would this stop her?" I asked her.

She furrowed her brow, considering what I was saying before answering. I had to admit, she was an intelligent girl and I was enjoying her company. I wanted to pick her brain to see what kind of person she really was. She was more than just a maid.

"Her reputation–" I cut her off by holding up my hand.

"When we are laid to rest, people will talk about us – about how beautiful we were, and how much they will miss us. Eventually, though, scandals will appear, and names will be tarnished, regardless."

"They will mourn, and then they will go on with their lives. The sons you left your wealth to will build their families, and provide for their children, and their children's children." I told her. She seemed confused, as I saw her silently ask me to explain myself.

"My point is that what people say is temporary, what you leave in this world are your actions. Opinions change, and evolve, and fizzle out…but kindness _given_, and not asked for, and _love_ are all we leave behind." I said, smiling to myself, looking at the cut glass that held my lemonade.

"Renee would be remembered for her achievements, and perhaps a few scandals would present themselves in the tabloids…" I said, shrugging with a small laugh. "What does she care? She lived the life she wanted to, and the opinions people had about her were temporary…good _or_ bad." I told her. "But the love she gave to everyone will live on in memory."

There was a long pause as she considered what I had said and I waited. I waited for the response she would give me, and I was rewarded when her chocolate brown eyes met my own.

"She'll take the chance to see her lover again, won't she?" Angela asked, a small smile on her face.

"Time will tell." I said to her, letting out a little chuckle at her excitement.

"I'll return the books tonight." She said, getting up from the chair opposite me. I smiled at her and waved her off, dismissing her.

I had enjoyed talking to the girl. What I said seemed out of sync with what I was talking about, but she had understood me. I had always held the opinion that those who thought badly of other's for their decisions wasted their making themselves unhappy. I was a hypocrite, I would attest to that, but I kept firm in my beliefs. I knew that I was channelling Jasper as I spoke to her, and it filled me with the fire to get my point across.

My writing had originally been a world I could live in, a world where I could take on any life that I wanted and _do_ anything I wanted with little consequence…now, it seemed that others had learned lessons I never meant to teach. I had never signed up to be a teacher, or a saint, or someone to look up to…but if people liked my views, Renee's views, on life then who was I to dampen them?

I lived in a fantasyland for most of my life, and so much happiness had come from it that I could deal with the tragedies that life dealt to me with a solid heart. I was stronger than the darkness in my life, and it was all thanks to one little totem that I bought home eleven years ago.

**As is why the title of this story is "Abaccus"...I'm not a huge horse fan myself, but the grand national inspired me! R&amp;R**


	47. Chapter 47

**WARNING: very graphic non-con scene coming up. Skip if you're not comfortable.**

Over the next few months, Angela came to me more and more to talk about the stories I had written, and even some adventures of Renee's that I had never – and would never – write down. She wouldn't help me with the book I was writing now, for she said that she didn't want to spoil the surprises. She was child-like in her love of romance and I had to commend her on that. It made me smile whenever I saw her get excited about Renee's adventures and what she did with her life.

It moved on from talking about my writing, and Angela and I became good friends. She would help me dress in the mornings, when she could without being noticed, and would even assist me to the toilet when I had injuries from Jacob that prevented me from doing so myself.

We never talked about the injuries. I was sure she knew what happened, and what I was dealing with, but she seemed to silently commend me for keeping my head held high. I could see the curiosity in her eyes whenever I would talk about the secret lover that Renee had. I was sure she was suspicious, but like the friend she was, it went unsaid.

She helped me to see Edward and Alice when Jacob refused to take me, and even spent some time with them on her own. As it turns out, she was not yet married…but then, at the tender age of seventeen, she still had years left before having to think about that. I smiled at her youth. I was no old lady, but I had been through the motions and would not be moving forward in my life anymore than I was.

I had not fallen pregnant in the past year, and I thanked whoever was listening for it. Though I did not love the children put inside of me by my husband, it was sad to see a life be taken from your womb before it even had a chance to grow. Any child I had, I would love with every inch of my soul, but my knowledge on what would happen caused me to shut myself off from the experience.

Angela became the one to bring me my letters from Jasper. After the first few months, and the building of our friendship, she had finally asked the question that had been burning inside of her for so long. Who was Major J. Whitlock and why did he write me so frequently? Did I respond? What was the nature of our relationship?

I had not even told Alice of what had transpired – and continued to transpire – between Jasper and I over the past eight months, and I was not about to risk either of our safety by telling a member of staff that my husband had hired. However, I did tell her that he was a dear friend of mine and we kept in touch as much as possible…_childhood friends_, I had called us.

"He sounds like a charming man." Angela said, resting her head in her heads and looking slightly dreamily out the window.

I chuckled as I put the letters back in their box and slid them under the bed quickly. I hadn't received a letter from Jasper for nearly two weeks now, and though I wasn't worried, I couldn't help but miss reading his thoughts as often. I supposed that the War was coming to an end and it was becoming difficult to take time out to write to me.

Jacob would be home soon, and I didn't have time to put them away properly right now, so I did the best I could before turning my chair around. I had to change for a formal dinner with him.

"He is like no man I've ever known." I agreed with her, moving my chair across the room to the vanity table to start styling my hair.

"In a perfect world, we would all know men like that." Angela said, almost without thinking. I looked at her with a sideways glance, but she paid me no mind. It amazed me how people could be so right, and yet so wrong, in their assumptions.

"I believe everyone has someone like that…a friend that they can be apart from for years and continue on like it had been not but a day." I told her as I slid a pin into my hair.

"Do you really think so?" She asked, walking over to me and helping me get the back of my hair to fall properly. The fashions had changed a lot since I had been younger, and Angela seemed very up-to-date with them. She always made me feel pretty when she got her hands on me.

"Wouldn't it be cruel of God to give some and not other's?" I said. "Treat people well, and you'll find them." I told her.

"Did you always treat the Major well?" She asked me as she twisted my hair around her finger, holding it in place.

"There were times when I didn't." I admitted, sighing and looking down at my hands. "But we both made mistakes. He has a kind soul, and that's all that matters." I informed her with a small smile.

"You deserve happiness." She murmured, so softly that I wasn't sure I had even heard her speak at all. I finished getting ready, with her help, silently and she wheeled me downstairs and took me to the dining room.

Apparently, Jacob had struck lucky in South Carolina and wished to celebrate with me. It was not uncommon for him to do this. He would drink himself into a stupor, violate me as he did, and then fall asleep. I had come to accept this would be how my night went and mentally prepared myself for the experiences to come.

As we sat down to dinner, and the meal was served, we ate in silence. I never made polite conversation with him anymore, it would usually end in insults and I didn't see a point in subjecting myself to that just to be polite. The meal was delicious, as always, but it was bittersweet with the company I was keeping. My thoughts drifted to Jasper and what he might be doing now.

Jacob cleared his throat at the other end of the table, setting his knife and fork down on his place. I looked up to him in a glance before going back to my meal. He cleared his throat again and I looked up at him with a steely gaze.

"How have you been, dear wife?" He asked. I could hear the mocking in his tone as the alcohol was taking effect, but it was nothing new to me. I nodded and pursed my lips.

"Well." I answered when he waited longer for my response; apparently he was more talkative tonight than usual.

"Just '_well_'?" He asked. I looked up at him and furrowed my brow, usually he cared not for how I felt and I was confused. He tilted his head at me and the silence dragged on, I didn't know what he was looking for and whatever it was, I would not give it freely.

"See, I don't mean to discomfort you, but I would like an answer." He said, sitting back in his chair and staring me down across the table. It was a long table, and I chose to sit at the other end to it from him, but I could see his heated stare landing on me.

"I've done very little this week." I told him, cutting up some more food and placing it in my mouth so that I wouldn't have to speak anymore. I chewed slowly to drag out my time.

He sat forwards and tightened his mouth, nodding to the side.

"I see." He said. I watched curiously as he stood up from the table and walked towards me, his hand trailing along the tablecloth as he did so.

I was confused. In all the time that this man had been my husband, he would leave me to eat and not speak to me for very long. This was probably the longest conversation we had had in a year.

He came to within a few feet of me, only the corner of the table between us, before he spoke.

"No writing done?" He asked, his tone suspiciously light and calm.

"Some passages." I replied shortly, taking a drink of water.

"No _letters_?" He asked, raising his voice slightly. I could see the veins in his neck beginning to protrude – the sign of his anger – and I quivered slightly in my seat. This was not how I imagined my evening to go at all.

He reached into his jacket pocket and threw three envelopes down onto the table. I only glanced at them, but I could see the script that had written my address and closed my eyes. They were Jasper's letters. They were opened, none too gently, and I knew that I was going to pay.

Placing my knife and fork on my plate I sat back slightly in my chair, if only to get a little more distance between my livid husband and my body. The silence stretched out between us for too long, I could see his cheeks flush as he snatched up a letter from the table and ripped it open, ripping the letter slightly. I jumped at the sudden movement.

"_My Dearest Bells,_" he snarled, "_Today I considered what it would be like to see you again, underneath our tree, and wile the hours away watching Abaccus play by himself. It is hard to be away from you for this long, but I shan't be much longer. I yearn to hold you once more and hope to see you again before summer comes again. Forever Yours, Major J. Whitlock_." He finished, glaring down at me and slamming the letter on the table.

Such sweet words from his vile mouth made me shudder. I wanted to cleanse my mind of the memory. Jasper's words, meant in earnest, were being tainted by his mocking tone.

"You are _my wife_!" He bellowed, making me jump again as he stepped closer. I sat back completely in my chair. "You _dishonour_ me and _forsake our vows_ because you can't keep your legs shut!" He screamed.

I didn't know what to say. I couldn't deny it; it was there in black and white for him to read aloud…as he had. I looked up at him; my eyes locked him in determination as he went on, calling me every name under the sun.

"_Filthy, lame whore!_" He bellowed again. "Answer me! Speak or have you lost that ability as well? A soldier defiles _my wife_ without my knowledge, sending her letters _under my nose_!" He snarled, coming to within an inch of me, his fist shaking beside him. When I remained silent, he roughly grabbed me around the throat and pushed so hard I could hear my chair straining against the force.

"ANSWER ME!"

I looked into his cold, dead eyes, and felt the flow of air stop to my lungs. My eyes filled with tears as I struggled to breathe. Even if I wanted to answer him, the ability was no longer mine. He shook me violently before letting me go. He was panting heavily as I rubbed my neck to get the flow of air going again, coughing heartily.

"Do what you want with my body…_I_ was never yours. _My heart_ was _never_ yours and you will never…_never_…touch me _like he does_." I snarled, my voice low and dangerous. I had lost my temper. This man had choked me, beaten me for three years and forced himself upon me. He refused to accept that I could not carry children and forced me to murder my own babes, by suffocating them in my womb, before they could even grow. I was a woman pushed to breaking point and I was through pretending.

"You dare…" He said, storming towards me and pulling me from my chair. I gripped his hand to steady myself as he threw me on the table and slapped me several times. I cried out in pain, but I never shed a tear. "You are _mine_! He _will_ _not_ have you!" He bellowed, forcing my arms above my head. In his rage, I truly felt as though these could be my final moments. I screamed for help…I had never done it before, and I was surprised when several of the staff came running in to find my husband bearing over me; my chair was knocked over and blood was streaming from my mouth.

In all the times that anyone had seen me after my husband attacked me, I had been silent. I would hold my head high and take every hit with pride. Today was another matter. Today, I feared for my life – a life I was not ready to lose. I locked eyes with a few of the maids and they looked torn in their decision, but they turned to leave. I felt sickened.

"No!" He called to them and they froze immediately. They turned to face him as I struggled under his grasp, hitting him. "_You will watch this_." He said darkly, eyeing them all.

"No!" I cried, screaming. I fought as hard as I could, scratching him across the face. It only seemed to excite him more as he pulled me from the table and held my back against him. "Who _owns you_?" He demanded of me, running his hands over my body. My body wanted to retch against his touch, wanted to fight for all I had. My mind, for once, was in tune with my heart, and I cared not for the consequences of my words.

"Major Jasper Whitlock." I seethed, panting heavily and spitting blood from my mouth.

"WHORE!" He cried, ripping my dress from my body violently.

The bones of the corset sliced my skin and I felt the warm blood dripping down my sides as he took one of my breasts into his hands. The maids watched, horrified, at the scene before them. I had barely noticed Angela crying in the corner.

"I will have you, whether you like it or not!"

"_Damn you to Hell_!" I screamed, fighting as he pushed me down onto the table, pulling my body up by my hips and forcing his way inside me. "YOU WILL _BURN IN HELL_ FOR THIS!"

I felt shame, and horror, at what I was being forced to do. I bit my tongue to avoid screaming against the pain, crying for someone to help me…I was through with giving him the satisfaction. My head swirled with pain, and anguish, as he repeatedly pushed himself inside of me. The burning between my legs was worse than ever before as he emptied himself inside of me and collapsed on top of my body, winding me. I coughed, gasping for breath, as he lowered his mouth to my ear, still panting from his release.

"I don't care if the _entirety_ of your body is lame, _wife_, as long as that pretty little cunt is mine. You can scream, and you can cry out, but _no one_ will help you. I will take you when I want to, and I will fuck you _like the whore you are_…with an audience." He sneered, throwing my head down onto the table and forcing me to look at the maids.

He had made his point. Even Angela could have done nothing against what just happened. My eye was swollen and my lips were cut and bleeding, but I still managed to look at her in comfort. I knew how helpless she was, and I didn't hate her for what had happened to me…I had bought it all on myself.

"He can have your heart." He spat, throwing Jasper's letters at me as he left the room.

I slid down the table, his brute strength no longer holding me there, and fell to the floor. As I propped myself up on the leg of the table, barely able to support my own weight yet refusing to lay down and accept what had happened in front of the staff. I sobbed, covering what little I could of my body with my arms and wiping the blood from my mouth.

**This was a really difficult scene to write, first and foremost because of how upsetting the subject matter is. I wanted to realistically connote the way someone who was at their breaking point would react. Think of it, someone who had so much control and influence over Bella found out that she was being unfaithful...in a time when it was an horrific thing to do. I know it was an upsetting scene, and I didn't relish in writing it, but I felt some of the cruelty her husband put her through was needed. **

**Let me know what you think.**


	48. Chapter 48

I'm unsure of how long I sat under that table, sobbing and wincing. I had been violated in the cruellest of ways, and been made into a spectacle for the staff that already hated me.

My body ached, even the parts I had previously thought were dead to me, and I shook my head at my own weakness. I couldn't protect my body from my husband, he had very clearly shown me that that was all he wanted…but I let myself have a small victory over the fact that I had kept my heart. I had given it to Jasper once more, and he had kept it safe, and in tact, away with him in the War. I had been humiliated and beaten, and had everything taken from me…except Jasper, and that was all I needed.

The things I would do for love and ask for nothing in return.

I felt a pressure on me, but I dare not open my eyes to see what it was. All of a sudden, I was lifted from my position on the floor and in someone's arms. Despite my swollen eye, I could see the face of the one person I least expected to be there for me in that moment.

"Come, Miss Bella." Mrs Cove said softly. She had placed a blanket over me and was carrying me through the foyer. I was thankful of my low weight as she struggled only marginally to get me up the stairs and into the bathroom.

Behind her, was a trail of maids that I had seen around, but had never paid me any mind before; amongst them, was Angela. I couldn't track everything that was going on, but I felt myself be immersed in warmth and then a hot sponge being run over my body. I hissed as the hot water stung the cuts along my ribs, but Mrs Cove cooed to me.

"Hush now." She said, her voice still firm, but far softer than I had ever heard it. She bathed me gently, removing all of the blood from my body and even going as far as to dry me afterwards and care for my face.

The maids worked together to get me dressed into bed attire and move me to my bed. I tensed as I was placed there, but Mrs Cove told me that Jacob had left the house with a vow only to return when I was in good health again.

I wasn't sure how much of this was because my husband had ordered them to do it, but I knew that they didn't need to be as kind as they were being. I smiled a weak, genuine smile at Mrs Cove as my eyes began to shut against my will from exhaustion.

"Thank you." I barely managed to say before my eyes shut and the blackness surrounded me. I did not dream that night, but I was thankful for the peace that I had gotten.

The kindness of other's is what we measure someone by. It had taken something truly horrific to get these women to help me, but I could see the pity in their eyes as they helped me, the _understanding_…these women were also abused by my husband. I was sure of it.

I spent three weeks recovering from Jacob's attack before all of my injuries had disappeared. Save for the angry pink scars on my chest. When he returned, he paid me no mind and didn't speak to me. For that, I was thankful. I did not want a repeat performance of what had happened.

Due to this, I had not replied to Jasper's letters, despite more coming through the door each week. I read them, and they bought tears to my eyes as he began to show his concern through his writing.

_My Dearest Bells, _

_I have written you several times with no reply, and I'm beginning to worry a little. Things aren't going so well here; it looks as though I may be away a little while longer yet. _

_If you have fallen ill, please get someone else to respond to me, it would put my mind at rest to at least know. _

_Abaccus is doing well, and has no injuries to date, which is more than I can say for Peter and me. We have been in and out of the infirmary more times than I can count, but I'm alright. _

_I hope to hear from you soon, even if it's just a small message. _

_Forever Yours, _

_Major J. Whitlock. _

It saddened me to know he was worried about me, but I felt as though – even if I wrote a letter – that the staff would not post it for me. They might think I was bringing everything on myself, stupidly, and I would lose their support. I was never one to enter a popularity contest, but it was important for me to have friends within the household, now that I had seen the capabilities of my husband's wrath.

Then again, my husband had told me, himself, that I was free to give Jasper my heart. Now, I didn't think for a minute that Jacob would condone me sending letters, and continuing to meet him, because I could not use his words against him. However, I still had a friend within the house that I could count on and I intended to get word to Jasper that I was all right, but that Jacob knew of him and he needed to be careful.

Jacob had not threatened my father when he found out, but if I pushed him hard enough I knew that he would. Men like him would always manipulate those they could to get what they wanted.

I took out my pencil and paper and began writing my letter. I had to at least try.

_My Dear Jasper, _

_My apologies for not writing back to you these past few weeks, it has not been safe to. Mr Rosier found my letters and he was not best pleased. _

_I'm alright, I'm safe for the moment, and it was good to hear from you so frequently, though I must ask you to stop writing so often. I say this only for your safety; Mr Rosier is not a man to be trifled with. _

_I wish you all of the best and hope that this letter finds you well. I await the day you return and I can be in your arms once again, in our world of ice cream for breakfast. _

_Yours, _

_Always and Forever, _

_Isabella Marie Swan._

Whenever I wrote to Jasper, I used my maiden name. I refused to have anyone call me Miss Rosier for the past two years and I had assumed that Jasper had accepted it, as he had never mentioned it in all the time we had been writing. Angela had agreed to send my letter for me, and I handed her the money before she left that evening. I felt comforted by the fact that Jasper wouldn't worry anymore, but would be cautious thanks to my words.

It was coming up to a year since I had last seen Jasper, and it was beginning to get difficult once again. Jacob managed to keep his hands off of me for all of two weeks before he violated me again. This time, thankfully, it had been within the privacy of our own bedroom. I had not cried, or screamed, as much as he had tried to make me. The thing was, when you had experienced such a high level of cruelty, embarrassment, pain and disrespect, it took a lot to evoke a reaction from you ever again.

The cuts on my body had healed, but scars remained, and Jacob revelled in pointing out how tarnished I was, and how he had marked me for the rest of my life. I had cried several times over them before the realisation came to me that I took those marks for Jasper.

I had looked my husband dead in the eye and told him another had claimed me. He could beat me to within an inch of my life, but he would not beat me into submission. Yes, I had taken those scars for Jasper and I would gladly do it again, and again, and again, until Jacob got the picture.

Winter came and went, and I managed to get out to see Alice and Edward some more. They were excited to see me, and I had bought gifts for the children, which they adored. I spent Christmas Day with them, and half with my father, one being my true self and the other playing a happy couple.

I knew I was lying to my father by pretending to be happy, but what use would it do to drag him into the darkness with me? I was doing this for him, for Edward and for Alice; they wouldn't need to know of the horrors of my life so long as they were happy.

Spring followed and the flowers bloomed again, marking nearly the second year without Jasper. He had not written to me after my letter nearly seven months ago, but then I didn't expect him to. I had told him, at the end of my last letter, that I would be his forever and always. I would wait until I was old and grey for him to return to me. Radio silence was just Jasper's thing. I smiled to myself at my little quip and went along with my life. It was repetitive, and unpleasant at times, but I would remain vigilant because I had my sun out there somewhere…ready to remove the darkness, if only for a few hours.

**I'm missing Jasper myself at the moment. Let me know what you think of my story!**


	49. Chapter 49

Summer was coming again, and I yearned to be outside in the sunshine with Abaccus again. I often thought of whether he was happy and then smiled – of course he was, he was with Jasper. They would keep one another safe.

Angela would talk to me now, about the attacks my husband conducted on me. When I saw her face as I recounted the first time, I saw her body shake and I could take it no longer. What I had suspected, I asked her. Had my husband been mistreating the women staff?

I had gotten my answer when Angela broke down and told me everything. She told me of how he violated the youngest of them whenever I went to see Alice and Edward, and how he would swear to hurt them if they said a single word to me about it. Due to this, they had been distant from me for fear of their lives. I felt hot fire coarse through my veins at the thought of it and shook my head.

_No, I am doing this for others. This will not be their life_.

"Angela, listen to me." I said, gripping her shoulders. She was slightly hysterical, but I had to get through to her. We had spent so long talking that I had barely noticed the time slipping away. Jacob would be back within the hour and I had a lot to do before then. "_Angela_." I snapped when she couldn't get a hold of herself.

She looked up at me with wide eyes, not understanding my urgency but sensing it. I gripped her shoulders tightly, looking her in the eyes to convey my sincerity.

"Go." I told her.

"Miss?" She questioned.

"Take the girls, the ones he touches, and _go_." I said. "I don't want you here." I said. It was cruel of me to say, but I had to show her I wasn't being light-hearted about this.

"But, Miss Bella…I _need_ this work." She said, beginning to plead with me. I closed my eyes and sighed as I answered her.

"Go to Edward and Alice. Take all of them, I don't care how many, and tell them what he does to you. Say _nothing_ about me." I told her sternly, looking her in the eyes again and shaking her slightly when she said nothing.

"I can't leave you here–"

"I married a monster, but he is my husband and I must be his wife." I said. I wanted to run as much as she did, but I couldn't. "Edward will find you all work, he's my father's accountant. Tell him it's all that I ask of him." I said. "Can you do that?" I asked.

"Miss–"

"_Can you do that for me?_" I interrupted her, looking at her intently. She closed her mouth and nodded sharply to me. "Good. _Now_ _go_, he'll be back within the hour and I want you all packed and out." I said. "_Go_!" I commanded when she continued to stare at me.

Jumping out of her skin, and to her feet, Angela left my room in a flurry. I knew what I was doing was right, but I knew I would pay for it. The only person Jacob would hurt again would be me; I made this deal – not _them_, not _anyone_ else. They were here through poor circumstance. Whoever I could remove form his _tyranny_, I would; I vowed it to myself.

I knew that Edward would come to suspect me, if Jacob could act that way with the staff, but I would deal with that when the time came. Jacob would be returning for a few months this time and it would be impossible to get them out whilst he was living here…I couldn't knowingly subject the girls to that for any longer than needed. I acted rashly, I knew that, but it was justice. The girls were here because they needed a job, Edward could provide them with that at the house, the _safe_ house I had grown up in and everyone had been happy.

The hour passed and I noticed a few of the girls were absent from their work and I felt a swell of good feelings build inside me. I knew that this was for the best; I was doing the right thing. I just hoped they had managed to get out without causing suspicion. I heard the front door open and close.

"Wife!"

He sounded livid, and I jumped in my skin as I shut the bedroom door. I knew it was useless, and childish, but that comfort that you got from being under the bed sheets was something that would stay with you through adulthood. I sat in my chair, staring at the door with wide eyes as his loud boot stomps began to get louder, faster, and closer.

The door flew open and the stench of alcohol flooded in with him. I had seen him drunk many times, but I had not seen the wreck of a man in front of me once. He stormed towards me, in a drunken rage, and thrust a letter at me. Once again, I noticed Jasper's script and my heart sank.

"I'LL MURDER YOU!" He bellowed, yanking me from my chair and throwing me across the room. I landed with a harsh thud, the world spinning around me as my head cracked across the floor.


	50. Chapter 50

Edward's POV

"What?" I demanded, my anger getting the best of me as Angela explained what had transpired over the last two hours. Mr Rosier, Bella's husband, had been abusing them and she had sent them away to me for help.

The girl in front of me was visibly scared and I felt Alice grip my shoulder to calm me. I tried to calm myself, but I simply couldn't. I had known he was a slimy git from the day I'd seen Bella struggling to hold herself in her chair. She had seemed to be getting happier at one point, even after Jasper had left, but it apparently wasn't enough. She had slipped into a darker place over the last few months and we had all noticed.

Angela had gotten closer with our family, and she had always seemed very frightened of the man, we assumed it was because he controlled whether she ate for the week or not. I had been considering offering her a job with me, until I saw how good of an effect she had on Bella's mood. I shook my head, trying to clear it of the mass of thoughts running through my head. What was to stop him hurting Bella like that? Was he taking his anger out on the staff so that he didn't hurt Bella? I asked all of these questions, but Angela deflected, repeatedly telling me that Bella had just sent her away.

"Calm, Edward." Alice murmured, rubbing my shoulders.

"What if he's hurting her, Alice? She's your _friend_!" I hissed at her. How could she be so cool and collected about this? This was a travesty.

"We don't know all of the facts, Edward." She said. "I've worked for men like Mr Rosier before…they treat their women like queens and anyone below them as dirt." She sighed, rubbing her temples, coping with the stress. "Bella could be upset about this because of what she knew was happening to these girls." She said, motioning to Angela.

I watched the girl look up at me with her innocent, doe-like eyes and I felt Alice's logic seeping into my brain. Bella was an empathetic woman, she felt everyone's pain twice as much as they did…it made sense. I couldn't shake that sinking feeling, however, and it didn't sit right with me.

We talked to Angela for a while before we heard a commotion at the door. Our maid came bursting into the room with a very panicked woman in tow. Angela seemed to recognise her, as she went up and calmed the woman enough to speak.

"Trudy, what is it? Calm down, just speak to us."

"Mr Rosier was just walking through town, in a right rage they said he was." She gasped for air. "Storming towards the house with a face of thunder with a letter in hand." She said, eyeing Angela carefully.

Apparently, this meant something to the two of them and Angela turned to us immediately.

"We have to go to the house!" She said, grabbing her coat from the table.

"Why? What's happened?" I asked, following her out the door. She started running before she answered me and I followed, telling Alice to wait there.

"It's a letter from the Major, Edward!" Angela said, panting as she ran. We were a good ten-minute run from the house, but Angela didn't seem to care at all. I furrowed my brow, what was she talking about?

As we reached the Swan Estate, my legs began to burn. I didn't know what I was running to, and Angela was pushing her body too hard to answer my questions. I was struggling to keep up with her as we ran past Abaccus's old pen. What was odd, though, was the fact I spotted a horse in there…not just any horse, but Abaccus. I knew that Bella had given him to Jasper, though she never outwardly said it.

A top of him was none other than Major Jasper Whitlock himself. I stopped in my tracks for a minute, letting Angela get ahead of me. Was that _the Major_ she had been talking about? Had he been sending letters to Bella? How did Mr Rosier come to possess it? What was going on? I was so confused, I called out to Jasper to try and get some answers. I hadn't even known he was returning from the War at this moment in time.

"Jasper!" I yelled. I managed to catch his attention and flag him down. He made his way over to me and greeted me like an old friend. "What are you doing back?"

"What are you doin' here?" He asked. I noticed that he was still in full uniform, and probably hadn't even been home yet. What was he doing putting Abaccus back here? He had plenty of space in his father's stables…and then it clicked.

"We have to get to Bella's house." I said, grabbing on to Abaccus's reigns and getting him to trot alongside me. Jasper wobbled slightly, not expecting the movement, but righted himself quickly.

"Why? What's goin' on?" He asked. He sounded concerned.

"I don't know, but I don't think it's good." I said, running as fast as I could with Jasper in tow.

We had managed to reach the front of the house before we heard anything, but when we did we were sure it would haunt us for the rest of our days. A woman's screams, and then another set, echoed eerily out of the door. A maid came out, flustered and panicking.

"Edward! Officer! He'll _kill_ her!" She yelled, pulling at my arm. Jasper and I looked at one another before running into the house. We followed the sound of the screams and found one of the most horrific sights of our lifetimes…and Jasper had been a War veteran.

**Really intense and emotional scene coming up next guys. It'll be the last chapter and I'd really appreciate it if you could let me know what you think of this story, I spend a lot of time making it perfect...and though it's still not that, for an amateur who ended her education in English Literature at A-Level, I don't think it's too shabby.**


	51. Chapter 51

Bella, bloodied and broken, on the floor, was the first thing I saw. Angela was barely picking herself up off the floor as we came in with Mr Rosier approaching her. I couldn't see Bella moving at all, and her face was beaten and covered with blood, as was most of her body. I barely noticed Jasper leap at Mr Rosier, throwing him into a wall as I ran over to her. I could hear them scuffle and fight, but all I saw was the broken little Miss laying as still as death in the corner.

"I'LL MURDER YOU!" I heard Jasper bellow, punches being thrown left, right a centre, but the domination being obvious.

Mr Rosier put up a good fight, but Angela seemed to have done some damage to him, and he made a wrong move. All I heard was the crunch of bones breaking and a sharp thud as Mr Rosier fell to the ground…lifeless.

As I turned from Bella, unable to touch her for fear of hurting her further, I saw Jasper stood, panting heavily with a murderous look in his eye. He didn't look right…he looked on the edge of madness, his body void of all flush and colour despite his physical exertion.

I looked down to Mr Rosier's dead figure lying on the ground and that was all the time I spared to him. Jasper fell to his knees beside Bella, bringing her body to cradle on his lap. He called her name and touched her face, but she was unresponsive.

"Bella…Bella, _please_…" He said, his voice cracking. "Come on!" He said, laying her down and pressing his lips to hers, blowing air into her chest as he pushed on it.

I moved back, watching him try and resuscitate her. I had been next to her a moment ago and I had not heard her breathing…we didn't know the extent of her injuries, we didn't know how long she had been there being beaten by her husband. Angela cried, still on the floor as she watched Jasper and Bella together. Everything moved in slow motion as I watched the once strong man I knew break into hysteria.

"Get a doctor!" He yelled to us, still pushing on her chest. The blood from her lips smeared across his face. "Edward!" He bellowed when I didn't move.

My heart sank. He was trying so hard…but she was unresponsive. I watched her pale skin almost glisten in the sun coming from the window and I thought of all of the time we had wasted. _If we had been here sooner…maybe…_

But we were too late.

"Jasper…" I managed to mouth, a very feint sound coming from me. I was surprised Jasper heard me.

"No!" He snarled. "She's not dead!" He cried, his pain evident as he moved to cradle her head. "She's not_ dead…_" He said, his voice breaking on the last word as the fight left him an empty man. He sobbed. I watched a grown man sob over his lost love, holding her head close to him as he rocked back and forth. His uniform was soaked in patches of her blood and I could do nothing but watch.

My heart broke, watching the scene before me. Jasper continued to hold her and sob as he rocked, until he stilled. I moved closer to him, reaching out to touch his shoulder, and hesitating slightly, before letting my hand fall. He was a strong man, but in that moment I felt like my touch was about to shatter him into a million pieces.

He fell forwards, his face falling to hers, as he whispered to her. I watched his lips connect with her forehead ever so gently, but he didn't remove them. He held her to his lips, savouring the moment and mourning her all in one. He shook.

"_What a fine world you live in, Miss Swan. Maybe, I shall join you._" He said bitterly against her forehead.

I closed my eyes. Jasper had accepted her death, but he would be bitter over it for the rest of his life. However long that would be. In that moment, I knew that the town would mourn her for years to come…just as they had her mother. She would be a beacon of stability, and hope, for all those who dealt with trials in their life.

Isabella Swan was the strongest woman I had ever known, the brightest spark of them all and her only flaw was the size of her heart. Whatever the world threw at her, it was never enough to knock her down, or destroy her soul. I knew now her secret, how she came to be so accepting of _the way things were_…it was Jasper. He held a piece of her with him and she clung to that. He may not have always treated her well, or like an angel, but he had loved her…truly loved her.

I watched one of my oldest friends make a decision in that moment. He turned to me and murmured the words I wished I had never heard…but it was his last request of me. I respected him greatly, and this was his defining moment. This was the moment that Jasper would be remembered for by all in attendance. It wasn't a moment shared with many, and eventually it would be just him and Bella…the way they had always been.

"_Burn the house_." He said.

"Jasper…" I said, reaching out to him.

"She'll die a hero…not a _scared_ _woman_ murdered by her husband." Jasper said, not looking at me, but her. He cradled her head in his arms, gathering up her rapidly cooling body.

It hurt me to say it, and I would always remember that scene for the rest of my life, but I stood from my place on that floor in an emotionless daze. I gathered Angela, with a little difficulty, and handed her over to the maid that had flagged us down. Her name was Mrs Cove, and she had at least saved one life that day.

As I walked to the door, hearing that Angela had been removed from the house, I turned to say goodbye to the people I had known so well, but not for long enough.

"She was lucky to have you." I said to Jasper. The last time we had spoken about Bella, I had told him that they were of different worlds and could never be…I felt a swell of pride to know he had defied me and had loved her anyway. "Thank you for proving me wrong." I said.

Jasper said nothing, but he didn't need to. Jasper was a man of few words, and he saved them all for her. He picked Bella up and moved her to the bed. He climbed inside with her, seemingly not fazed by the blood…all he saw was the girl he had fallen in love with all those years ago. He held her close, and I left them to their final moments. Jasper was going to die with her, and they would go to a place where they could finally be together.

Three people knew what had transpired on the Swan Estate that day. Everyone else mourned the sad tragedy of a young couple taken by a house fire. No remains were found, but _I _knew what had happened.

I looked back on the people I had known, and the love they shared without broadcasting it to the world. In a world filled with so much hate, and so much misery, Bella had seen the light in Jasper and he had discovered it within himself. In his decision, he had given himself to her completely and they would be together, from that day forward, for all eternity.

_Farewell, little Miss Whitlock_.

**There we are, that's the end of this very sad tale. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed sharing it with you. Let me know how you felt throughout and whether you'd like to hear more from me. I often use dark humour, a strong female lead and a very devoted love in my stories...it's just what I can never find to read on these sites because they're so difficult to write well. As you can see, I'm still working on finding my own style but I really liked how this story turned out. **

**Now, I'm not promising anything...but did you notice how Edward said that Jasper seemed 'off'? And Bella hadn't received any letters from Jasper in a long while...and the evacuation would have happened about the ending of this story? **

**I'm just saying that no remains were found, not even Jacob's, and I didn't specifically state that this was an entirely AU-Human story. Perhaps there is space for a sequel...or even a prequel with more information on their time together. I don't want to ruin this story for being what it is, make up your own mind on whether they became something otherworldly or not...let me know what your beliefs are. **

**Thanks for reading my story and taking the time to review if you did. I loved reading all of your responses and I'm sorry that my first upload was a little code-y and was difficult to read. Feel free to message me with suggestions on my stories, and I'm working on another piece at the moment that is very different to this story...but still written in the same kind of style. Let me know if you'd like to hear more from me. **

**Jade x**


	52. War Horses (Sequel) First Chapter

War Horses

It was dark. It was oh so very _dark_. Everything felt heavy - my arms, my legs, my chest - as though lead weights had been strapped to every fibre of my being. Yet...it also felt like nothing at all. The conscious knowledge of the weight did not match the inability to really feel suffocated by it. Speaking of which, my mouth was filled with a foul-tasting substance that was dry and crumbly...yet gave way for no air to pass through it.

Although, I did not hunger for air. My lungs did not scream in protest, even after hours passed by. I was not sure why I lay so dormant, only that I was unsure of what else I was to do. What was this, where was I, was I conscious, was I sentient, did I exist? The questions that were usually so easy to answer seemed impossible to determine.

_Who am I?_

The questions mounted, filling my mind. Surely,_ laying_ here - if that was what I was doing - would yield no answers for me. The first question of sentience - the most important - could be answered if only I would move. Chancing a twitch, what I perceived to be my arm burst into an area of light that flooded down to me. It did not burn the way I expected, though I was not sure how I had the audacity to expect anything right now. Instead, the light seemed to be tunnelled away as the crumbling blackness filled it in once more. It entered my eyes, irritating them somewhat. Shaking my head, I found that the base of what I had been resting my head on shifted and moved, my head slipping further into the darkness.

I _did not_ want to go there. I wanted to go towards the _light_. It drew me in, whereas the darkness seemed to consume me. In a panic, I began to move other supposed limbs in an effort to clamber back to the light.

With some effort, the light began to be a little more permanent in my vision, the crumbling blackness seeming to fall under me and act as a elevation point the more I moved. I yanked my legs from the vacuum, clawing my way fully into the light.

I looked out into _the world_.

It was not a lightness I had been expecting - once again taking liberties - but yet it seemed so much more wonderful. I could see the crystal blue sky, dotted with fluffy white clouds here and there, yet they looked completely different to any I had seen before. Had I seen them before? They were called clouds, were they not?

_I'm so confused._

Lowering my vision, I spotted masses of greenery surrounding me. I hunted for their name - the name of the brown and green giants that sprouted from the ground. Images flickered across my mind of them browning, losing their coasts, being covered in white and then flourishing when the sun shone.

_Trees..._

That was right. _Trees_ were all around me.

My eyes flicked to the ground next, taking in the same colour as the_ trees_, only in a different shade - millions of different shades, I noted - and searched my thoughts for another name. I knew it - I knew the name of this soft plant. I ran my hands over it, feeling the blades tickle my palms and another image invaded my mind.

_Hands, significantly smaller than they were currently, caressing the grass and pulling up blades of it. I threw it in the air, some of the clippings landing in my hair. A childlike giggle escaped me. _

Ah, that was the name..._grass_...

I took time to find the names of everything around me. It was not done quickly for most items. The trees and the grass, the_ dirt_, _soil_ and _earth_ that was piled around me, and the _flowers_ that seemed to come in every colour I had ever seen dotted around the hole I was sat in. Furrowing my brow, I came to a slightly more difficult task.

_What is this?_ I asked myself, turning from my sitting position to a crouch and crawling along the dirt bed to a wooden cross. I did not need to get any closer to look over the markings on it, but it seemed to trigger something within my mind._ Are these words?_ I questioned, searching my thoughts. _Words...English words...you read them..._I looked over the letters again, and how crudely they were carved.

_'Here lies Isabella Marie Swan. In her dream world.'_

Another vision flicked across my mind, this time against a certain set of words.

_"Isabella Marie Swan!" I heard a strange man yell. He had strong facial hair and a disapproving look on his face. He looked positively livid...at me. _

_"Papa, I'm sorry! I did not mean to-" I began to say, abruptly being cut off._

_"What we mean to do and what we do are two different things, Bella. Thanks to you, the groundsmen will be out all night looking for those horses..." He went on, the vision fading._

I shook my head, furrowing my brow. That was an obscure thing to happen, but the involuntary visions and images seemed to be rather helpful at the moment. From that I had been called Isabella...or Bella...I was not quite sure. I liked the second one more; it seemed to almost call to me. Was I Bella Marie Swan? What exactly did that mean?

Sitting a little longer in the pile of dirt, no longer in the hole I had discovered myself in, I rattled my brains for anything else that was useful. As it happened, only those things I had figured out seemed to stick in my mind..._trees, dirt, flowers, Bella, Papa..._

Glancing at the cross once more, having given up trying to find answers, I was thrust into another blurry vision.

_"Where did Mama go?" I questioned, looking up at the same man from the previous vision. He looked younger this time, his face decidedly solemn. _

_"Nowhere, Bella...she's gone." He explained cryptically. _

_I furrowed my brow, looking down at a stone cross, not unlike the wooden one I had only recently been looking at, and ran my fingers over the script. It was indented, feeling solid and finite in itself. 'Here lies Renee Swan. Mother, wife and beloved friend'._

_"When will she be back?" I questioned persistently, more confused than I had been thus far. _

_"She won't, sweetheart...she's dead. She's gone to live with God and the angels." He explained, crouching down to come to my eye level. He seemed to be struggling with something, but it was something I just couldn't understand...I wanted to, but it seemed impossible. _

_"Why didn't she want to stay with us?" I asked. I felt pain, like something inside my chest had been squeezed in a vice. It was not a pleasant feeling._

_"Sometimes people don't get a choice when they die. Your mom wanted to stay, but God needed her more." He explained, pulling her into a hug as the vision ended._

This one left me winded, catching breath that seemed unnecessary. Perhaps it was because I had not yet taken a breath? It seemed that, from what only my mind could tell me, that I had come to live with this God and his angels as well. My mother, was she here? Was this normal? Would she mind that I could not remember her? Would she remember me? I took a deep breath through my nose, trying to calm myself.

An influx of sensations filled my mind at the action, however. These were scents. What a glorious thing to behold. There were too many to identify, and yet even focusing on one would not yield an answer. Some were sweet, others sour; some pleasant and others not. I breathed in again and caught a hint of something absolutely mouthwatering. It was perhaps the best thing I had smelled in my life.

I _could not resist_ it.

Up from my sitting position in a heartbeat, a movement so fast that there was no transition period. I had thought about standing and then I was. I looked down at my body, marvelling as it moved under my command. I recalled the movements. Yes, I had done this before. At one time or another, I had taken a step. Pushing back a fear - a fear from an unknown source but still just as real - I lifted one foot into the air and shifted my weight. It wasn't clumsy or fumbling - something that I had been expecting - and the surprising gracefulness of the act caused me to take a few more steps in quick succession. I was filed with joy for an unknown reason, but it caused laughter to bubble up from my chest.

I was laughing. I was laughing so much that there were tears falling down my face. I wiped at them, feeling embarrassed to a small degree.

"That hurt!" A voice called. It was familiar - I knew it - but from where? It was decidedly male, but sounded young. I felt warm inside, as though a blanket had been placed over the previous ache in my chest - I had not even realised it was there until it was gone.

"That's what you get for being so bold!" I called back, another bout of laughter erupting from me as I doubled over.

Coming back to the present, I took another deep breath. The pain in my chest returned. This time, it did not seem to fade into the background. Thinking back, it had been ever-present, even since laying in the darkness. It was a curious feeling that I did not think I would get used to at all. Furrowing my brow, I took another deep breath to try and locate the scent that had distracted me from my negative thoughts the last time.

I caught it immediately.

Grinning devilishly, I began to run in the direction of the scent. It was intoxicating - all consuming - and I was powerless to halt my body in its search for its source. I was in a frenzy was I struggled to locate it exactly, circling a large area before zeroing in on what appeared to be an animal of some kind. I acted first, thought later, as I leapt at the elk. It fell to the floor with a thud, the sheer force of my impact shattering nearly every bone in its body.

I pulled my head back, my hair spraying out wildly with the action, and snapped it forwards in order to clamp my jaws into its flesh. My teeth melted through it like soft butter, hot liquid pouring down my throat almost too fast for me to drink it. It was the best thing I had ever tasted - it was like the finest wines and the most devious desserts in one go. All to quickly, the taste ceased and the frenzy ended.

Stepping away from the elk, my mind seemed to return to me. My hands went to my face, covering my mouth in shock. I could feel blood dripping down my neck, onto my chest, and a sick feeling rising in my stomach. I had merely witnessed myself murder an animal with my bare hands - without a second thought - and had only come to my senses once it was over. I hadn't even considered what I was doing until the animal was bled dry.

I had drank its blood.

I had feasted on its liquids, not it's meat.

_What am I?_

**IMPORTANT A/N: Alright, guys. It's been a long time coming...and I know that some people are going to bit nit-picky about how I got to this. Don't worry, it will _all_ become clear as the chapters. This time, I'm going to be doing an update a week (I have a full-time job now, so I have to be more of an adult). **

**I'm not really sure what I'm going to call this fic yet (War Horses just being a stand-in for now), since it's a sequel, but I'm going to make sure I get it right - as you all know, I like to make sure everything is filled with meaning and has a reason.**

**This story is going to be predominantly from Bella's side, as Abaccus was, but I'm going to throw a few little scenes from Jasper time as The Major (the actual Major, not vampire-Major) to hopefully clear up the timeline for him a bit. This also means there's going to be some Peter/Charlotte/Emmett back stories, some character development, etc. **

**Once again, you all know I like to write dark fics so this isn't going to be for the faint-hearted...there's going to be tears, tantrums, humour and oh so many grizzly bits for you to get your teeth into (yes, that's an Emmett joke). I really hope you like this teaser. I've decided that the actual story set up (including chapter 2) won't be up until I get a few reviews in response to this. I'm not being a review whore, I just want your guys' honest opinions on where you see this fic going - where you'd like to see it going - and whether you like this version of future events. After all, Abaccus ended a little cryptically and some people liked that. **

**I hope to see you for a new journey with old and new characters in the coming few weeks...then again, that's all down to you guys. **

**I'd like to personally thank sunnygirl08 for writing me a very moving message and giving me the motivation to take up this story again. All messages/comments welcome. **

**Living in a Casket.**


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